Detached
by Raphaelfanguy4real
Summary: After an argument, Raphael runs. But when he doesn't come back his brothers know something's wrong. An amateur team has to find their missing brother, then deal with the horrific results that come from weeks of mental torture. Vows are spoken, secrets revealed, and apologies made. But will it be enough to fix what was broken? Rated for violence! Raph-Centric! Raphril later on. :)
1. Seized

_**It is July Tenth. you know what that means! MY NEW BOOK IS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! This is Detached, Raphael-Centric and one of my proudest achievements. I hope you all enjoy! If you didn't see the trailer on youtube search for JJ Hayweird and my chanell should pop up. You'll see 'Trailer' in the title of the right video!**_

 _ **Small note, anything in**_ _italics_ _**but not bolded is either a memory in a dream, which gets a bit confusing in this book but I think you'll catch on. I don't think there is any but if anything is in**_ **bold** _**but not italics is writing, and anything in both as you see right now are AN'S!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TMNT CHARACTERS OR THE WORLD!**_

 _ **And now… enjoy!**_

* * *

Raphael struggled against the thick metal restraints that held him suspended in the darkness. This was definitely not what he'd planned to do today, at all. He growled in annoyance and kicked a foot forward, making himself swing. Where the shell was he? This sucked. It was his own fault, of course, but it still sucked. He sighed and let himself hang limply from the clamps. He had no idea how long he'd been here, or where his brothers were, or if this was even something other than a dream. No, not a dream. A nightmare, stupid nightmares. A shock of pain ripped through Raphael's body and he grunted, clenching his teeth. But this wasn't a nightmare, this was real. Which meant that what had happened before this was real as well...

" _Shut up, Mikey! I can't believe you sometimes!" Raph growled, pushing his brother away._

" _It's not my fau-" Mikey's protest was cut off._

" _I said shut up! You're always screwing up missions, getting us caught, I'm sick of it! Why don't you just grow up already?" Raph snarled, folding his arms in annoyance._

" _Raph, that's enough," Leo said from where he and Don were standing. "It's not Mikey's fault and you know it." Raph spun to glare at his brother, clenching his fists._

" _Not his fault? Are you serious, Leo? Did you even see what happened? Oh wait, you didn't because you were too busy making goo-goo eyes at Karai!" Leo flushed, glaring at him._

" _That's not true, I-"_

" _Just shut up already, fearless," Raph growled, turning away in disgust. "I don't wanna hear it!"_

" _Raph, you're being unreasonable." Donnie butted in, earning himself a glare as well. "Sure, Mikey blew our cover by knocking over a trash can, but Karai came in after that. And you have no business telling us what to do, alright?" Raph snorted._

" _Yeah, that goes to Romeo-nardo over there." he snarled, waving a hand at Leo. "geez, I can't believe you guys sometimes!"_

" _Raphael, that is quite enough!" Splinter said, slamming his cane on the floor. All four brothers spun, faces guilty. "If your mission failed then it is all of your faults, you are a team and you must act as such." Raph scowled._

" _Well, I didn't sign up for this!" he snapped, stepping away from his brothers. "I don't need a team, or a leader, Sensei! I can take care of myself, I quit!" his brother's eyes grew wide as Raph spun around and stormed away. "Adios! See you never!" he snapped, glaring back at them. Splinter sighed, putting a hand to his forehead._

" _Oh, my son...when will you see…" he murmured to himself, then turned to the other three. "What happened, my sons?"_

" _Well, we were on our stakeout when Mikey accidentally knocked over a garbage can, and then Raph freaked out at him, and then we were spotted." Don relayed, "and Raph thinks nothing can be his fault." he finished with a sour face. Splinter sighed, watching his son disappear into the sewers._

" _Raphael just needs some time." he decided softly. "Do not worry, my sons. If he is not back by morning we will search for him." Raph snorted as he started running through the sewers, a scowl on his face. He was done with this team! All they ever did was watch, wait, and run away. Some fearless leader Leo was, he couldn't do anything right, ever! And how on earth could what happened tonight be Raph's fault, anyway? He snorted again in disgust and started to the surface, still distracted by his anger. They could try to get him to come home, but that wasn't going to happen. Not now and not ever. He climbed up onto a rooftop and started running, enjoying the feel of wind across his face. This was the life, no annoying brothers, no mother hens, just him and the city that never sleeps. Raph let out a whoop as he jumped across the alley, landing lightly._

" _This is more like it!" he said aloud to himself, grinning. "And just what I need!"_

" _Indeed." a voice behind him said, and Raph skidded to a halt, eyes narrowed as his hands hovered over his sai. Who was that? Figures walked out of the shadows and Raphael held up his sai in defense. The foot, this day just kept getting better and better._

" _I could beat you foot ninja up all day." he taunted with a grin. "Easy as pizza pie." none of the ninja attacked him, and Raph scowled. There was a ring all the way around him, but it would be easy to escape once he-_

" _You can? How interesting." the voice said again, and Raphael's blood ran cold. Shell. It was Shred-head himself! Raphael spun to face the man in metal as Shredder walked out of the midst of the foot ninja. "But I think you overestimate yourself, turtle." Raph narrowed his eyes._

" _Is that a challenge, blade-boy?" He taunted, Shredder narrowed his eyes and unsheathed the blades from his gauntlets._

" _You will regret those words, mutant." he growled, getting into stance. "You won't leave this rooftop unharmed." Raph gripped his sai tightly, watching the shredder carefully. In a flash, the man in metal darted toward him, Raphael barely had time to dodge to the side, let alone try to get a hit in. Raph jumped up over Shredder's helmet and landed lightly, spinning to kick the man. Shredder caught his foot and Raph's eyes widened, well crud. Raph tried to pull his foot away but Shredder flung him into the midst of the foot ninja, who instantly started attacking him. The red-masked turtle cried out in pain and he tried to get to his feet and fight, but there was too many and he'd been unprepared._

" _Get offa me!" he snarled, punching one in the stomach. Then something hit the back of his head, hard, and Raphael's world dissolved into darkness._

Light suddenly filled the room and Raphael squinted, still hanging painfully from his wrists. A silhouette he recognized as Shredder himself walked in, and Raph glared at him. Once his eyes grew adjusted to the light, Raph saw Tigerclaw and Karai standing behind him.

"What do you want, Shredder?" he growled, swinging toward them and weakly trying to kick the man. Shredder chuckled.

"I told you he has spirit, Father," Karai said, nodding at her father with a smirk. Shredder crossed his arms, narrowing his half-blind eyes at Raph.

"Turtle. You will tell us where Hamato Yoshi is," he grumbled, Raph sighed.

"Oh, okay sure." he shrugged. "He's in nun ya."

"What-"

"Nunya business!" Raph spat, smirking. Shredder growled and Raphael's head jerked back from the ringing slap he'd received. "Ow...geez. Anyone ever tell you that you have anger issues?" he snorted, shaking his head. "I'm not telling you zilch, Shred Head. Get used to it." Shredder growled in annoyance again.

"My daughter is right, you do have spirit." he snarled. "I will enjoy breaking it, so very much." Raph rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, sure. My brothers will find me, Shredder. And probably kill you." he muttered, glaring at him. Shredder chuckled.

"I doubt very much that your brothers will find you." he hissed, grabbing Raph's plastron and pulling him to eye level. "Because you are across the globe from New York City and your family." Raph's eyes widened in horror. They must be in Japan, shell.

"Like that'll stop them," Raph said, feigning confidence. "Keep dreaming, Shredder. I'll never betray them." Shredder shrugged as if this did not matter, and Raph scowled.

"That is not a problem, freak." he declared. "If your brothers truly would look here and find you, they will be extremely outnumbered." he continued, "and if they do not look here, and you are of no more use to me, you would be perfect bait when we return to New York City." Raph grit his teeth in anger, glaring at Shredder.

"Master, would it be wise to begin the first trial run of Baxter's new serum?" Tigerclaw suggested. Raph scowled. What serum?

"Yes, you may begin." Shredder rumbled, turning to walk out with his cape billowing behind him. "Karai, come. We have much to discuss." Raph glared after them, then looked over to where Tigerclaw was filling a syringe with some liquid from a small bottle, Raph grimaced.

"What's that, painkillers?" he said sarcastically. "Great, my arms are killing me." Tigerclaw ignored him but sneered as he approached.

"You will learn the meaning of pain, turtle," he said softly, eyes narrowed. "And you will never forget it, either." Raph scowled and then gasped as Tigerclaw plunged the syringe into his arm, injecting the liquid into him. Within moments, darkness crept into Raphael's vision as he glared at Tigerclaw, trying to kick him as his movements grew weak.

 _Raphael blinked his eyes open, blearily looking around. Where the shell was he, again? Oh yeah, shredder's lair in Japan. Great, just great. He groaned and shook his head, peering around again. Figures that he'd screw up and get captured, shell, he was such an idiot. Raph frowned, realising that he was no longer tied up by his wrists. Instead he was seated on the cold stone floor, chains held his arms, neck and feet to the wall behind him, but he could move a bit. Like a dog on a leash. Raph grimaced. Suddenly, a door opened and Raph squinted against the sudden light, Shredder himself entered. Raph got onto his knees, as far forward as the chains would allow._

" _I'll never betray them, Shredder!" he snarled. Shredder chuckled._

" _I have no need for you to betray them, turtle." he snarled, "your father is dead." Raph's eyes widened and he fell back, hands shaking against the chains._

" _You, you're lying!" he yelled, yanking on them again. "You're lying and I hate you!" Shredder didn't react, just watched as Raph tried to free himself. "Let me go!"_

" _There would be nothing for you to return to, mutant." Shredder snarled, "your father is dead and your brothers have joined me, you are nothing to them."_

" _Liar!" Raph yelled again, pulling harder on the chains as the metal cut into his skin. "They would never join you!"_

" _Wouldn't we?" a chillingly familiar voice asked, three figures walked out of the shadows and Raph's eyes widened, he sagged back against the wall, breathing quickly._

" _L-Leo…?! Mikey, Donnie!" Raph gasped, staring between his three black masked brothers. "Wh-what are you doing?"_

" _We finally saw the light, just like you did," Leo said, shrugging. "Taking it easy on anyone is bad, we didn't need Splinter's ridiculous traditions, he was holding us back." Raph stared at him._

" _Y-you betrayed our father?" his voice cracked slightly, "are you insane? And if so, why am I still chained up, let me go!" Raph yanked on the chains, hard, gasping as it cut off his air supply._

" _We don't want you." Donnie said in disgust, "you're reckless and impulsive, and Baxter Stockman wanted to dissect one of the four of us, for research." Raph blinked, shaking his head._

" _No, Donnie please no!" he pleaded, eyes filling with tears, "you can't do this! Mikey, tell them!" Michelangelo just looked at Raphael, remaining silent. "Mikey, please!"_

" _Why would I." the freckle-faced ninja finally said, "why would I ever help you?" Raph stared at them, not understanding. This couldn't be happening!_

" _Luckily," Leo said, pulling out a chain that had a small weight on the end, "Baxter didn't say what condition you had to be in when we handed you over for dissection, right Don?" Donatello nodded, pulling out a bo, and Raphael's eyes widened in horror as they closed in around him._

" _N-No! Stop!" he gasped, "th-this isn't fair! I'm injured, I'm restrained! You can't just-" whap. Donnie hit Raphael across the face with the end of the bo, Raphael cried out in pain as he fell to the side, arms being tugged painfully. "P-please!"_

" _I've wanted to do this for a long time, Raphael," Leo growled, spinning the chain around to hit the back of Raph's skull. Raphael cried out in pain, trying to pull his hands up to shield his head, but the chains restrained them too much._

" _Please stop…" Raph whispered as his brothers continued to attack him, "please…"_

* * *

"Where is he?" Donnie whispered, leaning over the table, staring at the map of new york city. "We've looked everywhere, Sensei, where is Raphael?" the room was silent for a moment.

"There has to be a place we didn't look." Leo finally said, pushing Donnie aside to look at the map, eyes darting from side to side. "Maybe he left the city?"

"I've checked cameras in all the surrounding cities and states, but he wouldn't get caught on those," Donnie said, tapping his fingers. "I don't know anything, Leo!"

"THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING!" Leo yelled, looking up at Donnie with white eyes. "He has to be somewhere, Donatello!"

"Well then where is he?" Donnie retorted, "we've checked everywhere Leo, and there's no sign of him! Where on earth could Raphael possibly be?"

"Donatello, Leonardo." Splinter stepped between his sons to separate them. "You must not fight each other when one of your brothers is already missing, understand? Raphael has been gone for a week and you have better things to do than argue!" Leo and Donnie kept eye contact for a second longer, then turned away; Donnie back to the map and Leo to face the wall, arms folded.

"Dudes, Master Splinter's right." Mikey said softly, "we gotta focus on finding Raph."

"We've looked everywhere!" Donnie said again, staring at the map, which was a pincushion full of different darts. Multiple in every square inch, all over the city and surrounding area. Wherever Raph was, he wasn't in the city anymore. So where could he be?

"Raphael is not in the city." Splinter said, lowering his arms, though still glancing warily between his two sons. "Where would he have gone, my sons?"

"I don't know!" Donnie said, clenching his hands into fists on the table. "We live in the city, we've never left the city, why would he leave the city?"

"Maybe he meant it this time…" Mikey said softly.

"No!" Leo said, whirling around. "Raph wouldn't quit on us, Mikey! You know that!"

"Leonardo." Splinter warned. Leo scowled.

"He wouldn't! He has to be somewhere!" He said forcefully, "Raph would never abandon us! What if something happened? What if he's hurt, or, something!"

"Do not jump to conclusions, Leonardo." Splinter said softly.

"Sensei, what if Leo's right?" Mikey asked, "what if Raph got captured by the kraang or some human scientists or something? We have to figure out where he is, Sensei!" Splinter looked around at his sons. Leonardo was watching him with intense fire in his eyes, Michelangelo with fear, and Donatello was still staring down at the map as if he could see his brothers location there.

"I...I must meditate." Splinter said softly, "I fear you are correct. Raphael has either left the team permanently or," he added at Leo's outraged look, "or he has been taken from us by force." The old rat walked out of the kitchen, leaving his sons to stand in silence.

* * *

 _ **OOOOH! I didn't take very long to spice things up did I? Thoughts? Thank you for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	2. Bruised

_**Hey everyone! It's Friday and yeah, I'm gonna post the second chapter even though the house is in chaos! We're going on our annual weekend family trip! I'll be back in time to post on Tuesday, but I'll be offline ALL WEEKEND! Anyway yeah. Forgot to mention on Tuesday about my fabulous Beta-Reader, WaffleNinja412, who posted a review to give you guys anxiety. XD. so yeah, there's plenty of angst and torture in here today so I hope you guys make it through! ;)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or it's characters.**_

 _ **And now, enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

Raphael's breaths were shaky, rough, they scratched his throat which was already raw from screaming. Shredder grabbed the front of his plastron and forced the turtle to look up at him, Raph narrowed his eyes in defiance.

"You will tell me where they are!" he roared, holding his gauntlet beneath Raph's chin. Raphael narrowed his eyes further, pressing his lips together as he refused to speak. Shredder let out a scream of anger and shoved Raph away, Raph swung back on the chains around his wrists and slammed into the wall, grimacing. "I am tired of this silence, turtle!" Raph just watched him with narrowed eyes, refusing to respond at all. Shredder growled in anger, smashing a bladed fist into the wall next to Raph's head. Raph flinched, barely. Shredder narrowed his eyes. "I want to hear you scream." he slashed the blades across Raphael's face and Raph let out a grunt of pain, tears stinging his eyes and the wounds they slid over as they fell. Shredder snarled in anger and slashed the other side of Raph's face, gaining the same result. No scream, Raph refused to give his captor anything he wanted. Shredder stood back, narrowing his eyes as thin streams of blood ran down Raphael's face. They weren't deep cuts, but they still hurt like shell.

"Father, what's the point in all this?" Karai asked from where she was watching. "He hasn't spoken since he was administered that serum." Raph grit his teeth. The serum, it had made him see horrible things...experience horrible things. "Stockman could easily probe his mind." Raph's eyes widened.

"No!" Shredder snarled, whirling to glare at Karai. "You are small minded, Karai! A mind probe, as you proved to me, can be misled by simply telling yourself something different than what is true! The turtle must be broken, whether or not he discloses the location of Splinter!" Raph glared at Shredder, pushing himself slightly off the wall with his unrestrained feet. No one noticed, and he pushed himself off with greater force the next time, swinging his feet forward and kicking Shredder in the back of the head, the metal helmet flew off and Shredder whirled, face contorted with fury. Raph, now against the wall again, looked at him innocently. Though on the inside he was smirking, congratulating himself on probably getting himself hurt more.

"You filthy mutant!" Shredder snarled, pinning Raph's neck between two blades on his gauntlet. "I should kill you right now!" Raph stared back at him definitely, almost daring him to finish it. Shredder narrowed his eyes, stepping back. "But I want you to suffer, Raphael. Tigerclaw, release the chains." Raph scowled, that was new. Tigerclaw stepped forward and undid the clasps around Raph's wrist, the red-masked turtle crumpled to the floor, but was on his feet in an instant, wiping blood from his face. Raphael got into a stiff stance, eyes narrowed.

"Father, what are you doing?" Karai asked, brows furrowed. "He's the strongest of them."

"The turtle hasn't moved much for weak, he is languishing," Shredder replied, then turned to Raphael. "Attack me, mutant." Raph narrowed his eyes but remained still. He wasn't going to give Shredder anything he asked for, even if it meant looking like a coward. "Well? Attack me!" Shredder snarled, stepping forward and unsheathing his gauntlets. Raphael held his battered arms up defensively, feeling that he was indeed getting out of shape. How long had he been unconscious and in Japan? How long had his brothers been looking for him, if at all? Shredder roared in anger and slashed downward, slicing a long cut in Raph's plastron. It didn't get deep into the flesh underneath but cut all the way through the thick material. Raph let out a scream, falling back onto the floor. The pain ebbed up through his abdomen, and blood began to ooze from the cut. Shredder turned and stormed out, Tigerclaw and Karai right behind him. He dimly heard the door slam shut, and the multiple locks engage, dots danced in front of his eyes as he pulled himself into a sitting position on the wall, looking down to inspect the injury. Raph hissed in pain, pressing one hand against it to stop the bleeding. It probably wasn't fatal, unless he lost too much blood. Raph reached up with his other hand and yanked off his mask, pressing it under his fingers along the cut. It was long, reaching almost all the way across his chest.

"Shell." Raph grimaced, settling himself into a corner so he could use his hands more effectively. He couldn't deal with this! Donnie was the person who always patched them up, not Raph. All Raph knew was that bleeding out was bad and that he should apply pressure and get medical help. He could apply pressure, but no one here would help him. Raph grimaced again, hands shaking as he pulled the wrappings off one of his feet. "Could use these, even though it's probably unsanitary," he grumbled, then snorted. "Sound like Donnie now…" the memory of his brother hitting his temple with a bo forced its way into Raph's head and he clamped his eyes shut, halting for a moment.

"It's not real, Raph, it wasn't real," he told himself softly, then opened his eyes again and started wrapping the ragged cloths that used to be white around his chest, layering over the mask. He knew that removing a bandage was bad unless you were professional, or Donnie. Raphael couldn't risk dying before he got out of here. "Just a stupid dream." Raph took a deep breath and tightened the bandages, hands still shaking slightly. Pain burned through him, and breathing was beginning to hurt. A small whimper escaped and Raph scowled. "Shut up, it's not...ow...that bad…" He growled, securing the bandages and leaning back, breathing heavily.

He hadn't realized how much energy that took, shell. He needed something to eat, he needed to get out of here. The turtle groaned tiredly, feeling his eyelids droop. Then he forced them back open. No! He had to stay awake, he had to be alert and ready for anything that could happen! Not to mention, sleep brought nightmares. A shiver ran down Raph's shell as he glanced around the dark cell. There wasn't much to see, the chains against one wall that he'd been hung on, dripping water onto a patch of moss in one corner, gross. and...Raph grimaced. Spiderwebs. By the ceiling, with a spider on them. Luckily he was across the room from his newfound roommate, and he had bigger things to worry about than freaky bugs. Raph sighed, leaning his head back against the wall again.

There was a creaking noise, and Raph jumped, then grimaced as his chest burned. A small metal hatch on the bottom of the door had flapped open, and a metal plate had been pushed through before it locked again. Raph stared at the plate the few yards away, mouth-watering slightly. It was just rice, and some unknown meat, but it was food. The only problem was he had to move to get to it. Raphael clenched his teeth and forced himself forward onto his hands and knees, wincing. He glanced down to see red slowly seeping through the bandages. Great, could his day get any better? Raph shook dots out of his eyes and dragged himself to the door, where the plate of rice was waiting. When he got there Raph collapsed, grimacing. How was he so weak? Why was he so flipping tired all the sudden? He'd been able to stand up just ten minutes ago, so why couldn't he now? Raph shook his head to try and get the blur in his vision away, but the room still seemed foggy.

"Just eat the stupid food, Raph…" Raphael told himself, then obeyed himself. Once he had cleared the plate he sighed, feeling more tired than ever, and leaned back against the wall. Why was his vision so foggy? It was almost like the room was filled with fog! Raph blinked, then reached up and rubbed his eyes. Why was there fog in this room? Why was he so freaking tired? The turtle yawned widely, letting his head drop down to touch his plastron. He'd figure it out later...after he got a small nap…

" _Raph, please stop!" Michelangelo pleaded, Raph narrowed his eyes, pausing with his fist cocked back and the younger mutant pinned to the floor. "Snap out of it bro!"_

" _Shut up, freak," Raph growled, driving his fist forward and punching Mikey in the face. Mikey let out a yelp of pain, tears welling up in his eyes._

" _Raphie please!" he yelled, "we never hurt you!"_

" _Liar!" Raph snarled, "you left me to die, Michelangelo! I hate all of you! You'll pay for what you did just like Leo and Donnie did!"_

" _Y-you killed them!" Mikey sobbed, trying to get away. "You killed your own brothers, Raph!"_

" _They aren't my brothers!" Raph yelled, "and neither are you!" Michelangelo started to sob again, twisting to get away._

" _Raphie, please!" he begged._

" _I said shut up!" Raph punched Mikey again, Mikey cried out in pain again. "You're pathetic, you know that? Stupid, idiotic, weak, a pathetic burden who should have never been born!"_

" _Raph, please!" Mikey said desperately, staring at his irate older brother. "We looked for you, but we couldn't find you and we thought you-"_

" _SHUT UP!" Raph screamed, grabbing Mikey's head and slamming it back into the ground. Michelangelo's eyes widened and then rolled back in his head as his body went limp. "I HATE YOU!" The red-masked turtle yelled, slamming the green-skinned head into the ground a few more times, blood trickling from multiple wounds in its surface. Once sure Michelangelo was dead, Raph got to his feet, breathing heavily. "Good riddance!" he spat, kicking the body into a pool of water, where Donatello and Leonardo's bodies already were. Then the assassin turned and fled, mask tails trailing behind him as he ascended to the surface._

No, what was he doing? Raphael grimaced, trying to open his eyes. Where was he? He was in a cell in shredder's dungeon, he wasn't really killing his brothers. He was still so tired, though...why didn't he want to sleep, again? The creased eye ridge on Raphael's face slowly smoothed as he forgot the details of the dream, finding himself already in another one.

" _Choose one to die." Shredder snarled, Raph's eyes widened as he stared at the three figures before him. His brothers were tied up and gagged, eyes wide as each tried to volunteer themselves silently._

" _What? No!" Raph snarled, fighting his own restraints. "Never!"_

" _Choose one or they all die!" Shredder snarled, unsheathing his gauntlet. Raphael choked back a sob, shaking his head._

" _Kill me, please kill me!" he begged, "let them go and kill me instead!"_

" _That is not the arrangement, Raphael," Shredder said, eyes narrowed. "You must choose one of your brothers to die, and the rest of you will be released once it is done."_

" _NO!" Raph yelled, "I would never!"_

" _Then they will all die, their blood is on your hands!" Shredder said in anger, stalking toward Mikey. "Who should perish first? Eldest? Youngest? Smartest?"_

" _NO, Please no!" Raph sobbed, tears streaming down his face, "please just let them go!" his brother's faces were stricken with fear, and he met Donatello's cinnamon brown eyes. The message was clear, but Raph could hardly bear it._

" _Choose, then!" Shredder yelled, holding a blade to Mikey's throat. Tears flowed down Raphael's face and he whispered, horrified at himself._

" _I...Donatello…" he gasped, Leo and Mikey stared at him angrily, and Donnie nodded, Raph could see him smile against the gag. What had he done? Instead of going over to Donnie, Shredder stormed to where Raphael knelt and sliced through the ropes holding him back. "What…?" a sai was thrown down next to him and Raph's eyes widened in horror. No, he couldn't. He wouldn't!_

" _Kill him, then." Shredder snarled gleefully, watching Raph's shaking form. "Kill Donatello with your own weapon and you and your other brothers may return back to New York."_

" _I…" Raph stared at the sai, then over at his brothers. Mikey and Leo looked horrified, while Donnie just seemed tired. Raph couldn't do this!_

" _Do it now, or I will kill them slowly one by one in front of you!" Shredder warned, holding his blade toward Mikey again. Raph saw the youngest turtle shaking in fear and swallowed thickly, picking up his sai. Leo made loud noises against his gag, probably telling Raph to kill him instead. Raph got to his feet slowly, shaking his head while tears streamed down._

" _Th-they...they need you, Leo…" he whispered, taking small steps to Donnie. Shredder pressed his blades against Mikey's neck, the meaning clear. Hurry up. Raph swallowed again, wiping tears from his face as he stood over his brainiac brother, Donnie looked up at him with soft eyes, then bowed his head._

" _Do it!" Shredder yelled._

" _I...I…" Raph stood where he was, sai poised over the back of Donnie's neck where a well-placed wound would kill him instantly._

" _NOW!"_

" _I…" Raph's hand shook, but he steadied it and tightened his hold on the sai. "I'm sorry Don…" Raph let out a strangled cry as he brought back the weapon and slashed down, severing his brother's neck and spine in one blow. Donatello's body fell forward, limp, as blood spurted from the wound. Raph stared at it, at what he'd done. "No...what did I…" the scene shifted to him, Leo, and Mikey. Leo and Mikey were sitting beside each other, backs to Raphael. Raph felt his heart lift with relief. They were home, they were safe...but at what price… when he thought this both brothers turned, glaring at him._

" _What are you doing here, Raph?" Leo demanded. Raph's eyes stretched wide. "We don't want a murderer in our house!" Raph took a step back, heart thumping wildly._

" _L-Leo, I didn't-"_

" _You killed Donnie!" Mikey yelled, tears rolling down his cheeks. "You kill our brother, Raph! How could you!"_

" _I...it's not like I wanted to!" Raph protested, eyes brimming with tears at the thought. "I couldn't let you all die!"_

" _Yeah, you could!" Leo snapped. "What's wrong with you? No turtle left behind, remember that little rule? I'm starting to think you were never part of this team!" Raph stared at him open-mouthed._

" _Leo…"_

" _Just get out of here, Raph!" Leo snapped, pointing to the exit of the lair. "You aren't our brother!"_

" _I-"_

" _I don't want to see your face ever again!" Mikey suddenly screamed, throwing himself at Raph violently, but Raph stumbled back, eyes wide. "Get away from us and never come back!"_

" _Mikey, I'm sorry!" Raph gasped, stumbling back. "I had to try and save you!"_

" _I wish you didn't!" Mikey screamed at him, "I wish Shredder killed me!" Raph stared at his brother, heart aching._

" _Mike…"_

" _I hate you!" Mikey yelled, "get away from us!" Raph staggered back and then turned, running out of the lair. Tears streamed down his face and sewage splashed up against his legs, but the mutant didn't care. They hated him, Mikey hated him. He had to get out of here. Raph's mind grew hazy as he ran through the sewers, not even paying attention to where he ran. After what felt like hours, his legs were numb and his lungs were aching, Raph found himself running straight into the lair again. He'd gone in a circle. He halted, frozen at what he saw. Leo and Mikey lay next to each other on the floor, each one's hand was on the handle of a katana that was embedded in the stomach of the other._

" _No…" Raph gasped, tears sliding down his face. "NO!" Raphael flung himself to his knees next to them, grabbing Leo's head and cradling it gently. He was cold, they'd been dead for hours. "Leo, please No!" Raphael sobbed, "I'm sorry! I didn't want to! Please come back to me!" Raphael's body began to shake with sobs and he bent over his brother's bodies, "MIKEY! LEO! PLEASE!" He screamed, clamping his eyes shut. There was no reply, only the steady drip of water in the pipes. No turtle left behind, but they left Raph behind. Sobs ripped from the turtle's throat as he clutched his brother's corpses, how could he have done this? It was all his fault, he killed Donnie. He Killed Donnie. How could he have done that?_

" _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" Raphael choked out, holding them tighter than he ever had in his life. "I'm sorry, I never….I'm sorry."_

* * *

 _ **OH, that was a dark one… forgot about how dark I get in here. 0_0 wrote this when I wasn't in a great place, but it's all good! What didja think? Will the guys find Raph in time? Will Raph break? What's Shredder's plan? Thank you for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	3. Warped

_**Hey guys! It's Tuesday, and I am not feeling too good. My extroverted self is just going through friend withdrawals because I've been with only my family for a few weeks now. Blergh. This is why I do NOT like summer vacation. I like warm weather, but I also like friends. It's a struggle. Anywayyyyy enough about me! This chapter we get to see a bit more of how this is all affecting the guys…. Specifically a certain orange masked turtle. *wicked grin* after that we get some more torture scenes. I promise all these heartbreaking moments have a purpose, I'm not just hurting him for the fun of it. (though It IS fun to write)**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: ah yes. Sadness is an emotion alright! ;) Sorry if I made ya sad tho… I generally like making people happy. 0-0**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: oh, of course, he's not! As for his bros finding him… well… I don't wanna spoil anything but some might say they never do. :D Thanks for the review and have fun dealing with the dread I just gave you!**_

 _ **Thanks, guys for reviewing!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or any of the characters/universe of it**_

 _ **And now…. The chapter. *bows***_

* * *

"I'm trying to find any recent reports or sighting of anything that could be Raph," Donnie said, not looking away from his computer screen. "So far all I've gotten is Bigfoot and 'el chupacabra' sightings." Leo scowled, looking down at the table like it had personally wronged him.

"Try harder, Don, there has to be something!"

"I've _been_ trying harder!" Donnie said, looking up angrily. "I've been trying harder for two weeks now! Would it kill you to get on a computer and look as well, Leonardo?" Leo sighed, letting his hands fall to his sides.

"Okay, fine. I'll just go use the computer you forbid me to touch, probably messing up a bunch of experiments while I do it!" he snapped, "sue me for respecting your wishes!"

"Well if you were respecting me you wouldn't be telling me to try harder every shelling minute!" Donnie shot to his feet. Michelangelo looked up from where he'd been moodily stirring a bowl of ramen, frowning. it was the fifth huge argument Leo and Donnie had gotten into since Raph disappeared.

"Well sorry, I just want to find our missing brother!" Leo snapped back, getting in Donnie's face. "He's been gone for two weeks! Fourteen days! Donnie, we need to find him!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Donnie asked, pushing Leo roughly away from him. "I've been on my computer twenty four-seven doing anything I can think of to find him! Do you have any idea how many different things I've searched for? It's kind of hard to find that many things that people could describe a giant walking talking turtle as! Alien sightings? Not helpful. Strange reports? A bear climbed up a freaking water tower in Nashville! There isn't anything, Leo!"

"There has to be something!" Leo snarled back, clenching his hands into fists. "No one just disappears like that, Donatello! There has to be something!"

"Stop," Mikey said softly, but neither seemed to hear him.

"Well, I'm not a psychic, Leonardo!" Donnie said shrilly, "I don't know where he went, I don't know anything except that he ran out of the lair and vanished! We're ninja! We're trained to leave no trace! What do you want from me?"

"I just think you could be trying harder!" Leo said loudly, Donnie narrowed his eyes. "Alright? I have a bad feeling that our brother is in danger and I can't do a shelling thing about it until we get a clue!"

"Guys, please stop," Michelangelo said a little louder, he was again ignored.

"Trying harder?" Donnie asked incredulously. "I've hacked into every national database there is, Leo! I've even hacked into the flipping white house computers! How am I supposed to try harder? There's no way I can try harder!"

"I'm sure there is!" Leo said loudly, "there's always room for improvement, Donatello!"

"Oh, so now you know everything?" Donnie asked, glaring at his brother. "Well, then why don't _you_ find Raph!"

"I've been trying too!" Leo growled, "I haven't slept for five days, I've been searching every street and sewer and cave under New York City! We've all been trying and we all need to try harder!"

"Well, I can't!"

"Please!" Mikey said, a little more urgently before, he saw his brothers stances and knew it was about to get physical, they ignored him again.

"Yes, you can!" Leo pressed a finger into Donnie's chest. "Don't you want him back?" Donatello's eyes narrowed and turned white in anger, he shoved Leo violently back, Leo stumbled and then got into a defensive stance as Don lunged at him.

"Of course I want him back!" he shrieked, "He's my brother! How dare you-" lightning fast, something darted between them and held both ninjas apart with a pressure point, Splinter looked between them, ears back and eyes narrowed.

"Leonardo, Donatello!" he said in annoyance. "How many times have I told you not to let yourself be distracted!" he released the pressure point and both the turtles relaxed, rubbing their necks with hostile looks at each other. "You are doing Raphael no favors by attacking each other!"

"Sorry, Sensei," Leo muttered, Donnie echoed him, Splinter sighed, head bowing.

"I have not found anything in my meditation, but this is not rare when a person is closing themselves off, or in a place far away from where you are," he said softly. "There is nothing more we can do to find Raphael except keep searching the city and continuing our efforts in what Donatello has been doing." no one replied. "We have all been working hard but…" his shoulders slumped and for the first time, the three turtles saw their father look utterly defeated. "If Raphael has truly closed himself off from the astral realm, he may not want to return. We may have to accept that he won't return." the three mutants stared at him, Leonardo's eyes narrowed.

"He would never leave us," he said firmly, stepping away from their father. "Raphael is loyal to us, I know he is! We have to find him, and that's what I'm going to do!" the blue-masked turtle whirled away and stormed out of the lair, Splinter's ears drooped and he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I'll search some more," Donnie said softly, returning to his chair. Mikey looked back at his now cold ramen, feeling like he was being ripped apart from the inside out. Where could Raph be? He had to be somewhere, and he knew Raph would never abandon them, not for this long. Something had happened, Mikey was sure of it. A cold worry settled into the youngest turtles stomach and he got up from the table, leaving toward his bedroom. Neither Donatello nor Splinter noticed him go.

* * *

" _Get off, get OFF!" Raph screamed, brushing the hundreds of insects off his arms. "Get off of me!" he tried to run, but they were everywhere. "Please!" his entire body shook in terror and disgust, and hot tears were beginning to well up in his eyes. "G-get off!"_

" _We like you, Raphie." Leo's voice said in his ear. Raph screamed and slapped the blue beetle away, hands shaking. That was insanely creepy, why was his brother a bug?_

" _Don't be like that." Donatello chided, Raph screamed again, running as fast as he could through the darkness. The bugs stayed, they wouldn't come off. Why wouldn't they just leave him alone? A small one bit into Raph's neck and he screamed again, stumbling to his knees._

" _You taste good." Karai's voice whispered, making Raph scream again. What the heck was going on? Why was Karai a bug too?_

" _Get off me!" Raph screamed, scratching up and down his arms again. "Please get off me!"_

" _But you're such a nice place to live." Mikey's voice complained, Raphael shuddered and tried to brush the insects away, but nothing seemed to affect them. "We love you, Raphie."_

" _Please!" Raph sobbed, scraping up his arms on the ground in an attempt to get them off. "Please get off!"_

" _Miss me?" Leo the beetle was back, Raph screamed again as bugs crawled into his throat, covering the inside of his mouth and stomach. The turtle was paralyzed with fear as he continued to scream, more of the bugs bit him, injecting venom and pain into his body._

" _PLEASE!" Raph screamed, collapsing to the ground. "Please just leave me alone!" sobs shook his body as he curled up into a ball, feeling the hundreds of tiny feet all over his body. "I..I c-can't… I can't…" Raphael screamed one more time and then felt himself fall onto a hard surface._

"That was entertaining." Karai's voice said Raph's eyes snapped open. Where was he? Karai wasn't a bug anymore, what the heck? Had that all been some insane hallucination? The female ninja was standing over him with a smug smile on her face.

"Wh-wh-what…" Raphael forced himself to sit up, wincing as his chest throbbed. The wound was scabbed over, but far from healed. Especially after it got infected. His arms looked like they'd been scratched up and down...Raph shivered as he remembered the creepy sensation.

"Father, the mutant is awake!" Karai called over her shoulder, Raph narrowed his eyes as the door to his cell swung open and Shredder entered. Raph glared at him.

"Turtle." he snarled, grabbing Raph's neck and slamming him against the wall. Raph gasped, eyes widening as he struggled to breathe. "You will tell me where Hamato Yoshi is hiding." Raph narrowed his eyes now, still gasping for breath.

"N-n-never…" he choked out, shredder growled under his breath and tightened his hold.

"I underestimated you, freak." he snarled, Raph grit his teeth. "You are much more resilient than I expected. But no matter, every time you are administered the serum Baxter Stockman advances it. It is only a matter of time until I break you." Raph growled under his breath, shaking his head as much as possible. Shredder snarled and threw him down to the floor, Raph felt his plastron crack painfully, feeling blood pulse against the dirty bandages. Great. Then Shredder grabbed the back of Raph's head and shoved a leather strap around the front, it clamped his mouth shut and Raph's eyes widened indignantly. A muzzle! What the heck! Why would Shredder put him in a muzzle if he wanted Raph to tell him where the others were? After fastening the device, Shredder strapped Raph's hands behind his back and his ankles together, then threw him roughly into a wall, Raph slumped down into a very uncomfortable position.

"Should I go get Tigerclaw to administer the serum?" Karai asked. Shredder shook his head.

"Let the freak wallow in his misery for a while longer." he snarled, "then administer it. You do it this time, daughter." Raph saw Karai's smug smirk as the two ninjas left, slamming the door to his cell behind them. Once they were gone, Raph let out a choked sob, trying to lift himself off his stomach. His chest was bleeding again, he had to add some of the bandages he'd hidden, but his arms were behind his shell and his legs were tied. Raph whimpered softly, feeling the cold dirty stone press against his face. He rubbed his face against the stone, trying in vain to get the muzzle off. Unfortunately, that only irritated the healing wounds on his face, so Raph stopped. After lying there for another moment, feeling blood slowly ooze through his bandages, Raph gathered all his strength and violently forced his body weight to one side, but only succeeded in rolling partly to the side and flopping back down, a muffled scream of pain forced its way through the muzzle, and another tear slid down his face. This was so stupid, he was pathetic. He couldn't even remember when he came here, or how he got here, or what hallucinations had actually been real. Why was it so hard for him to remember? The metal door opened and Karai walked in, holding a syringe. Raph glared at her from his spot on the floor as she smirked and knelt next to him. Before Raph knew what was happening, she'd grabbed his shoulder and forced him into a sitting position against the wall.

"Aw, is the little turtle bleeding?" she mocked, sticking her bottom lip out in a pout as she ran a gloved hand over the wound on Raph's chest. Raphael couldn't hold back the cry of pain that was muffled by the leather around his face, and Karai laughed. "Poor little baby." she taunted, lifting the syringe to Raph's neck and inserting the needle. "Sweet dreams, _Raphael._ " Raph felt the effects of the serum faster this time, his eyelids were already drooping as he fought to stay awake. No more dreams, he didn't want any more dreams! Despite how much he fought, Raphael saw Karai's smug smile last before being enveloped by darkness.

" _Until you can get this sorted out, we just can't trust you." Leo's voice said. Raphael jerked his head up, eyes wide. It was dark, there was a blindfold around his face. What was going on? "You're too reckless and impulsive, Raphael." Raph tried to open his mouth in reply, but it was strapped shut with a thick leather muzzle. What was going on?_

" _Yeah, dude, you seriously have anger issues." Mikey's voice chimed in, Raph's eyes widened even more under the blindfold as he tried to untie his hands and feet. Why was he tied up?_

" _I'm going to sedate you, Raph." Donnie's voice said closer to Raph than he wanted. "You'll be able to feel everything, but you won't be able to move or attack us. Like a strong muscle relaxant." Raph stiffened, shaking his head back and forth quickly. "Now don't worry, it won't hurt very much I promise." a needle was plunged into Raph's neck and he screamed, though it was muffled._

" _Geez, drama king." Mikey snorted, Raph felt himself begin to lose control of his body. He couldn't move his head anymore, and he fell limply onto one side from where he'd been kneeling. There was a comforting pat on his shell._

" _Don't worry, it'll wear off in a few hours." Donnie promised, "but I think it won't really matter by then, right Leo?"_

" _Yeah, come on guys." Leo's voice replied. Raph felt someone grab the ropes around his hands and drag him across rough ground, what were they doing? Where were they taking him? What was wrong with these guys? Raph couldn't move, why couldn't he move? Soon, they stopped. Raph heard a strange rushing sound, what the shell?_

" _I'll miss teasing you Raph," Mikey said, patting his shoulder._

" _Yeah, it's a shame we have to do this." Donnie said, "but it's necessary. You're too much of a burden on the team, too dangerous."_

" _Safer for everyone." Leo agreed, resting a hand on Raph's head. "Look on the bright side, Raph, You'll be helping everyone." Raphael didn't know what they were talking about, doing what? And then they shoved his immobilized body off the side of something, sending him crashing into the cold water. Raphael felt his heart pump faster, knowing what the rushing sound was. They wouldn't...they couldn't! He couldn't move as he felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into the large body of water, feeling the liquid fill his lungs as he breathed; one of the only things he could still do. Pain burned through Raph's entire body as he felt himself drowning, though unable to stop it. He couldn't hold his breath when he was immobilized, his brothers were killing him! No, this couldn't be real this couldn't be real! Pain wracked the turtle's body as he sunk deeper, and if he could have sobbed he would have. They were killing him, he was too dangerous. By dying they'd be safe, he was keeping his brothers safe. But he was dying, he'd never see them again. How had he even gotten home? Hadn't Raph been somewhere before this? Raphael's thoughts became jumbled as he felt his body begin to shut down, bumping against the bottom of the pool. He was dying, he was drowning. His own brothers had killed him...Raphael's thoughts phased out and all he felt was the pain until he didn't feel anything at all._

" _Is he okay?" a voice asked. Raphael scowled, feeling pain ebb through his body. Where was he? What was going on?_

" _I hope so, I'm just glad we got to him in time." another voice replied. "Don't worry, Raph, you're alive."_

" _Some life." a third voice sighed, "we failed him." Raph frowned. He couldn't feel his arms or legs, why couldn't he feel his arms and legs? Raph's eyes shot open and his eyes darted from side to side, his brothers stood over him, faces lighting up._

" _You're awake!" Mikey gasped, hugging him tightly. Raph didn't feel it. His breaths quickened as he saw that all his limbs were in place, but he could only feel his face and head. He was paralyzed. Tears welled up in Raph's eyes as he tried to open his mouth, but it wouldn't budge. How had this happened?_

" _The shredder tortured you for two years," Leo said gently, laying a hand on Raph's head gently. "But we got you back, we just didn't find you fast enough." Raph's mind whirled. The Shredder? Two years? What? When had he been captured by the shredder? How long were two years? Nothing made any sense, why couldn't he just hug the saddened looks out of his brother's eyes?_

" _We've been keeping you alive with kraang tech." Donnie said, "I'm just relieved you woke up in time for us to say goodbye because we're running out." Raph's eyes widened. No, he couldn't die! He had to stay with his brothers. "I have a painless death ready for you, don't worry." Donnie soothed. "We just wanted to tell you how much we were going to miss you." the room fell silent as Raph's eyes darted from side to side, and then Mikey started to laugh._

" _Haha, sorry guys," he wiped a tear away. "I can't believe he actually thought we'd say that!" what? What did Mikey mean? Leo smirked._

" _We found you by accident Raphael, we never wanted you. We found that we were better off without you anyway." he taunted, Donnie walked over with a needle in hand. "We brought you back so we could be the ones to finish you off." this couldn't be true! It couldn't be! Tears rolled down Raph's face as his brothers laughed at his reaction._

" _Good riddance," Donnie said, plunging a chemical into Raph's body. Raphael's head felt like it was on fire, and if he could feel the rest of him it would have felt like that all over. His brothers laughed, and their unsympathetic faces were the last thing Raph saw before he felt no more._

* * *

 _ **Bwahahahahaha! Just some more hallucinations for you guys to mull over. Were they created synthetically by Stockman… or Raphael's own dark fears? You may never know. *evil grin* and what about the others? Will they make it through this as a team or will they fall apart without one of their own? Only time will tell…. Thank you for reading and PLEASE review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	4. Marred

_**Friday! Friday! It is Friday! New chapter! Today we get some angst, angst, and a little more angst. Less torture, though, but you'll see. This chapter ACTUALLY moves the story along, lol. I struggle with that sometimes. Anyway, yeah. I think you'll all enjoy this…**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: Does anyone deserve what they've gotten? :)**_

 _ **To my guest reviewer: I think you reviewed last week and it only now showed up… sorry about that! Good to know you're with us! :D**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or the characters**_

 _ **And now… enjoy it if you can!**_

* * *

Donatello scowled, leaning closer to the screen, there had to be something. There had to be some connection, there just had to be!

"Come on, what is it?" he muttered, then sighed and picked up the phone when it rang for the third time. "Hello?"

"Hey Donnie, it's April."

"Hi, April." Don sighed, scrolling through the list of articles again.

"Don, have you found anything yet?"

"You and the whole world keeps asking, and I keep saying no." Donnie sighed. "I-I'm sorry April. Things are just tense." He paused, hovering over an article before shaking his head and moving on. "I don't suppose you had a miraculous revelation from on high?"

"Actually," the word made Donatello freeze and focus his sole attention on the phone he was holding; something that rarely happened. "I might have something."

"What? What is it?" Don demanded, not caring he spoke harshly.

"When was the last time you guys saw the foot?" the question struck terror into Donatello's soul.

"Th-the night Raph disappeared…" he whispered in horror. "April, you don't think…?" he didn't finish, he knew exactly what she thought. And what he now thought. "Shell."

"I'm sorry…" April said softly.

"No, April, that's the first lead we've had in nearly three weeks," Don said, shaking his head though she couldn't see him. "I just...if Raph's been with them all that time...this is just shell-tastic isn't it?" Donatello rifled through papers on his desk, eyes narrowed in concentration.

"Do you want me to come over and help you figure it out?" April asked. Don frowned.

"You have tests tomorrow, April, I couldn't ask you to do that." he said firmly, "we'll do it, now that we have a solid lead things will be faster. I hope. You stay and study for your tests, we'll tell you if we find anything else. Thank you so much."

"No prob." April agreed, "see you around Donnie."

"See you," Don said, hanging up as he scribbled down some notes, then he spun around and ran out of the lab. "Leo! Mikey! Master Splinter!" he called, running to the kitchen for better lighting, his family came quickly, wide-eyed. Donatello hadn't sounded quite like that for a long time.

"What is it, Donnie?" Leo demanded immediately, Donnie took a few deep breaths to calm himself.

"My son?" Splinter prodded, and Donnie looked to face his family. Leo looked tense, expectant, Mikey just looked tired, as he had for a few weeks. Splinter seemed hopeful that Don had found something out, Donnie hated having to tell them what he did.

"The last time we saw any of the foot was the night Raph disappeared," he said, cutting to the chase, no one replied. "Raphael seems to have just vanished from thin air, even though we managed to track him to downtown."

"Don…" Leo looked stricken. "You mean...how did we not think of this earlier?" Leo punched the table, hard.

"Raphael...my son…" Splinter gasped, leaning on the wall for support. Donnie could see the guilt in his father's face. Splinter had been thinking for a while that Raph had simply abandoned them. Mikey said nothing.

"If Shredder took him and the foot back to Japan," Don continued, "then you wouldn't be able to reach him in the astral realm and no reports about giant green monsters would be made. It just...fits."

"How were we so stupid!" Leo yelled, whirling to punch a wall. "We've left my brother in the hands of that monster for weeks!"

"Leonardo!" Splinter held Leo back from punching the wall again. "Injuring yourself is the last thing you should be doing!"

"He's hurt, Father!" Leo said, tears in his eyes. "He's hurt, we didn't think to look for him with the foot until three weeks after he vanished! I should have thought of it, I should have looked for him, I should have gone after him when he ran out!"

"If you did that you may have both been taken!" Splinter said forcefully. "Now that we are nearly sure Raphael is in the hands of the shredder, we may make a plan." they fell silent at this.

"How are we supposed to get to Japan?" Mikey finally asked, speaking for the first time in days.

* * *

Raph didn't understand. He didn't understand why he was here, or how long he'd been here, or even where here was. Time didn't really seem to matter, except it apparently decided when he was allowed to eat. All his memories were fogged and marred, he didn't know what was real, if anything, anymore. His entire body ached with pain as he sat in the dark, a thick muzzle around his face and coarse rope holding his ankles and wrists together, forcing the mutant into an uncomfortable kneeling and bending back position. He knew the person who did this was called the Shredder, his daughter was Karai, and the giant cat was Tigerclaw. He knew Shredder wanted to know where other turtles and a giant rat were. Their names were Leo, Mikey, Donnie, and Splinter. Raph had to keep reminding himself that they were his family, that he loved them. Love was a strange concept if he really wanted to think about it. He couldn't really remember it, but he knew it was good. That he shouldn't betray them. And even if he hated them, there was a problem. Raph couldn't quite remember where they were, much less how long it had been since he last spoke to them face to face. The cell door opened and Raph turned his head to look at Shredder, who was followed by Karai and Tigerclaw.

"Hello, mutant," Shredder growled, Raph stared back at him in determination, the man chuckled. Karai walked over and sliced the ropes around his hands and ankles, then ripped the muzzle off his face. Raph winced, falling to his hands and knees as his chest wound, which he couldn't quite remember getting, throbbed. Shredder grabbed Raph and held him up to eye level, Raphael twisted to try and escape to no avail. "Will you tell us where Hamato Yoshi is?" Shredder called Splinter 'Hamato Yoshi', but Raph wasn't sure why. Raph shook his head, grimacing. Shredder growled in anger, throwing him to the floor. "Tell me where he is!"

"I...I...I can't…" Raph whispered softly, looking up with wide eyes, Shredder narrowed his eyes, like he was trying to read Raph's mind.

"Why not?" he asked scornfully, Raphael grimaced in pain, grabbing his chest.

"Rem-remember…" he murmured softly, arms shaking with the effort of holding him off the ground. The statement was met by silence.

"He can't remember?" Karai asked in shock, Shredder growled under his breath.

"Blasted scientist!" he yelled, slamming a fist into the wall. "His serum has destroyed the mutant's mind!" Tigerclaw narrowed his eyes as Raph pulled himself to the wall, then to his feet, legs shaking in exhaustion.

"Are you sure the creature is telling the truth?" he asked, Raph stared back at him fearfully, trying to remember. He wanted to remember, he wished he could. Not so he could tell them, Raph just wanted to know what was real. What _was_ real, anyway? Was real a thing? A place? Raph grimaced, rubbing his head as it began to ache. Oww, headache. What had he been thinking about, again?

"Raphael, do you remember who Hamato Yoshi is?" Karai asked, folding her arms. Raph frowned. Was Raphael his name? It was similar to Raph, so that would make sense. He nodded slowly, she scowled. "He killed my mother, did you remember that?" Raph's eyes widened in surprise.

"H-he, he ki-killed…?" he asked, shocked. Did that make the bad things real? The times Splinter had beaten him and disowned him and let them kill him? "I...don't remember…" he whimpered, sliding back down the wall to his knees.

"Tigerclaw, take the mutant to Stockman for treatment," Shredder ordered, having finished his attack on the wall. Tigerclaw looked at him in shock. "The turtle can still be of use to us unless he dies." the man in metal snarled, turning on his heal and stalking away. Raph watched him go in slight confusion, mind feeling muddied. What was going on…?

* * *

"The mutagen in his blood has probably kept the infection from spreading." Baxter Stockman said, looking Raph over as he sat nervously on the metal table. This was so different, and he knew it was real. Why was it so different? "It will be easily treated with an antibiotic, and if you want to have his memory restored-"

"No." Shredder rumbled, everyone looked at him, Raph included. Didn't he want to know where Splinter was? Not that Raph would tell, but, what? "Do nothing of the kind, Stockman. Get him back in health, that is all I require. When will he be able to function fully?"

"Soon, once he is fed and takes the antibiotic. Maybe tomorrow?" Stockman shrugged, walking to his desk and pulling out a bottle and a clean syringe. Raph's eyes widened at that. He knew he didn't like needles, he knew that for sure.

"Father, what are you planning?" Karai asked, watching Shredder curiously. Shredder ignored her. Stockman walked over with the syringe, now filled with a strange substance. Raph shrunk back, eyes wide. Tigerclaw grabbed his shoulders and held him still, Raph struggled to get free, but Tigerclaw held him firmly. The turtle's breath became quick as Stockman plunged the syringe into his arm, injecting what he'd called an antibiotic. Raph was pretty sure that was medicine, but he had too much experience with needles.

"That should take effect soon, and we need to do it for seven days," Stockman said, discarding the used needle.

"Good." Shredder rumbled, then turned to Raph. "turtle, do you remember your ninja training at all?" Raph frowned, thinking back. Was he a ninja? It sounded familiar, yeah. He was a ninja. But could he pull off doing it? He shrugged half-heartedly, not sure what Shredder was getting at. The guy might think Raph would attack his family because he couldn't remember everything, but Raph knew that he wouldn't do that. Shredder hummed under his breath, eyes narrowed. "Tigerclaw, take him to the other cell and give him food and water." with that, Shredder whirled around and walked out of Stockman's lab. Raph swallowed nervously as Tigerclaw grabbed his arm, yanking him off the table.

"Follow me, cub," he growled, Raph glared at him. He felt hostile, probably because these guys had been torturing him for who knew how long. They couldn't possibly think he'd join them because they gave him food, could they? Tigerclaw pulled him up a flight of stairs to the catwalks that were above Stockman's lab, pushing him roughly into one of the glass cells, it wasn't like the others, that had trees and crap. This one had a bed and a few blankets. The glass slid upward, trapping Raphael inside. The turtle whimpered softly, crossing to sit on the bed. His body hurt, and his brain was still muddled. He just wanted to remember, why couldn't he remember? Raph groaned in frustration, lying down and burying his face in the pillows. They were softer than the cell floor, and he felt oddly tired. The turtle yawned, curling into a protective ball facing the glass, and let himself fall asleep.

 _Where was he? Raphael opened his eyes and sat up, slightly confused. He was sitting on a bed in a large ornate room, shiny weapons, sai, were hung on the wall, along with many other ninja tools. He got to his feet, mystified, and walked over, picking up the red handled sai. It was comfortable and familiar in his hand, Raph smiled. He glanced down at his chest, a thin scar snaked across his chest, but it didn't hurt. How had he gotten here?_

" _Master Raphael." someone opened the door and Raph turned, surprised. "You are needed by Master Shredder." Raph nodded, somehow knowing exactly where Shredder was. He slid the sai into his belt and followed the ninja down the hall to a large room surrounded by statues, Shredder was in the center, and on their knees, in front of the man in metal, someone familiar. Raph knew who that was, that was his brother Leo. but, it was distant. Like he no longer cared. That was weird, Raph frowned as he walked to Shredder's side. Leonardo stared at him in horror._

" _Raphael?" his voice cracked, "you're alive?"_

" _Leonardo." a voice Raph didn't recognize as his own replied. "It's been a long time." had it been a long time? Why couldn't Raph control himself? It was like he was watching a movie or something!_

" _Raph, what happened to you? Why do you have tattoos and a black mask, you didn't join...you couldn't!" Raph glanced down at himself, slightly surprised to find that Leo was correct about his appearance._

" _Raphael does not remember you." Shredder snarled, Raph looked at him in surprise, he didn't? He felt like he remembered Leo, right? "We have told him just enough that he knows you are an enemy." Raph scowled, though his body didn't. But, Leo was his brother. Not an enemy, why was Leo here all tied up? "Raphael, kill him." Raph felt numb in shock. Kill Leo? No way! He could never kill Leo! But, he didn't seem to care. Raph stepped forward, pulling a sai from his belt. Leo's eyes grew wide._

" _Raph, Raphael please!" he begged, "it's me, Leo! I'm your brother!" Raph wanted to scream, he knew who Leo was! Why was he following Shredder's orders? This couldn't be real! Raphael held his sai back, eyes narrowed. "RAPH!" Leo pleaded, but Raphael didn't care, he plunged his sai into Leo's stomach, blood spurting out over his arm. "R-Raph.." Raph pulled it out and Leo fell forward, coughing up blood. "H-how-how could you…" Raph stared at what he'd done, panicking. He couldn't kill Leo! How could he do that to his own brother? He was a monster, a freak, he didn't deserve any of this! Raph stumbled back, finding he was in control of his body._

" _L-Leo!" he gasped, tears forming in his eyes. "No!" Raph fell to his knees and reached to staunch the bleeding, but Leo fell forward, dead, onto him. Raph screamed, feeling life seep from his brothers' corpse._

" _Well done," Shredder said behind him, Raph shook his head, grabbing Leo's body in his arms as he began to sob. "You will get over it, Raphael. Just as you got over the others." Raph took a shuddering breath, looking around to see, to his horror, a familiar purple mask, orange mask, and green cane. No, shell NO!_

" _I..I…" Raph clutched his brother tightly. "N-no...no...no...no!" but Leo was gone, dead. And Raph had killed him. "I didn't mean to!" he sobbed into Leo's bloody chest, "I didn't mean to, Leo! It was an accident! I tried to stop!" Shredder laughed cruelly from behind Raph, and searing pain entered Raphael's back through his shell. Raph screamed, tears streaming down his face as he collapsed, inches from being able to reach Leo again._

" _I have no more use for you, freak." Shredder snarled, kicking Raph roughly toward Leo's corpse. "I want to watch you die." Raph took a shuddering gasp, dragging himself to Leo's side._

" _L-Leo…" Raph coughed heavily, blood dribbling down his lips. "I...I didn't mean...to…" Raph collapsed over his brothers body, sobbing in pain and misery. His brothers thought he hated them, he didn't. How could he? How could he kill them?_

" _Pathetic." Shredder snarled as Raphael's vision fuzzed out. "You disgust me, turtle." Raph ignored him, holding as tight as possible to his brother's body. If he let go, he might never see Leo again. He had to see Leo again. He had to._

* * *

 _ **Dun dun dun….. So the guys think they know where Raph is now, will they find him in time? What is Shredder planning for him? Why hasn't Mikey been talking? You'll find out next chapter, which I'm sorry to report won't be here on Tuesday. Or even next Friday. I'm going on a week-long camping trip that's strictly and completely 'unplugged' so I won't be online next week at all. Sorry to do that to you guys… but I swear the next chapter will be on the 31st! Thank you all for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until the 31st,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	5. Trained

_**IT'S THE 31ST! I really am sorry I had to do that guys, but if I don't have access I don't have access. Sigh. oh well, I'm here now! I have to say, this is one of my favorite chapters. And it ends on KINDOF a cliffhanger… mwahaha.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I DON't OWN TMNT or ANY OF THE CHARACTERS!**_

 _ **And now… enjoy it if you dare!**_

* * *

Raphael struggled against Tigerclaw's grip, fighting to get away from wherever he was being taken. The mutant tiger was bigger, stronger, and meaner than he was. It didn't go over so well. They walked into the room Raph had seen in his dream, it was surrounded by statues and the turtle's eyes widened as Tigerclaw pulling him off from hanging over his shoulder and set him on the ground.

"Next time I suggest you cooperate, Raphael." Shredder, who was waiting, growled. Raph glared at him. "Kneel." Raph frowned, folding his arms across the bandages on his chest. Tigerclaw snarled, shoving Raph forward. Raphael stumbled, falling to his knees inches in front of Shredder. His eyes widened and he quickly bent his head, hands shaking. Shredder lowered a blade under Raph's chin and Raph let him lift it, looking up at the man in metal. Raph narrowed his eyes into a glare. "You remember next to nothing about the turtles and Hamato Yoshi," Shredder growled. "So how do you know you can trust them more than me?" Raph pursed his lips, refusing to answer. Shredder snarled in annoyance, slapping him across the face. Raph grunted in pain, falling to one side. "You will answer me, or you will lose the ability!" Shredder snarled. Raph just glared at him again. In seconds, someone had pulled a familiar leather muzzle around Raph's face, securing it tightly behind his head. Raph pulled away from their large furry hands, glaring.

"Why don't we just get to training?" Karai asked, walking in. "I've been dying to fight someone." Raph narrowed his eyes, getting to his feet.

"Very well," Shredder growled, stuffing sai into Raph's hands. "Turtle, attack her." Raph scowled, holding the sai at his sides. "This, again?" Karai shrugged and lunged at him, Raph's eyes widened and he dodged her tanto blade, barely. When she struck again, he caught the blade in his sai, keeping it inches away from his face. The turtle's eyes were wide and his arms shook, Shredder watched carefully. The fight continued, getting more and more violent. Raph found it harder to breathe with the muzzle on and had to keep backing away and jumping to avoid Karai's attacks. Finally, the girl pinned him against the wall with a blade to his throat. Raph stared at her in fear, hands shaking slightly. "That is enough," Shredder growled, Karai got to her feet and Raph followed suit, only to be hit hard in the legs and sent flying back down. "You will remain where you are, mutant." he snarled, "on the floor where you rightfully belong." Karai laughed. Raph glared up at them, clenching his hands into fists. Shredder walked to the door. "Continue his training, Karai. I have better things to do." Karai nodded, bowing.

"Hai, Father," she said, Tigerclaw followed Shredder out, and Raph got to his feet. He could handle Karai. The female ninja swiped her legs under him, sending him crashing back down. Or not. "I'm training you, turtle." Karai said with a smug smile, "stand up." Raph narrowed his eyes but grudgingly obeyed. Karai smirked. "Good boy." Raph clenched his fists, glaring at her. "Now don't be like that," Raph growled slightly, mostly because he couldn't say anything. Karai laughed, getting into a stance. "Copy me," she said, in a much firmer tone. Raph folded his arms. Karai narrowed her eyes, straightening slowly. Raph shivered slightly, that was a dangerous look. "Do it, freak!" she snapped, Raph found himself getting into the stance, and Karai smirked. "Good. follow my lead." she began a slow kata, Raph followed along at the same speed, feeling like he'd done that before. Why was his whole past one big blur? All he knew was that he was captured by their enemy and that he had no clue where he was or where his family was. A shiver ran down Raphael's shell as he performed the kata again, Karai leading him through it. Why was he even listening to her? Something felt wrong about it like he usually wouldn't. But they'd hurt him if he didn't, they'd attack him, torture him, maybe kill him. Raph wanted to see his family again, he couldn't die. He had to do what they said.

"Good." Karai halted, Raph followed suit. "Again, follow this one. It's a bit more complicated." she started again, and Raph found that this one was harder like he should know it but didn't. He stumbled a few times and looked nervously at Karai, but she didn't seem to notice the mistakes. Raphael felt numb like he could only focus on what was happening right then. Don't search for the past, don't think about the future, just do the kata right. He had to do it right.

* * *

Raphael sat on his bed, staring numbly at his hands. Stockman had injected him with something else today, it made him feel strange. He was afraid of what would happen, he was afraid of Shredder and Karai and Tigerclaw. He was afraid that if he didn't do what they said, he'd get hurt. The turtle pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on them, staring out the glass wall of his cell. They'd been training all day, and he was getting stiff and sore. He wanted to do it right, he wanted them to stop hurting him. Raph grimaced as he gently touched the bruises on his arm, shaking his head, he didn't want to go to sleep. But, they had told him to sleep. Raph clamped his eyes shut, breathing shakily. He just wanted to go home, but he didn't know where that was. He knew it was safe, and there was usually the smell of baking, incense, or an explosion in the air. It had brothers and a father, and a tiny little turtle he couldn't remember the name of. Home had a dojo that was warmer than Shredder's, it had beanbags and a kitchen and a lab that was different than Stockmans. It didn't have glass sliding walls and guards in black, it just had four turtles and a rat. But Raph didn't know where it was. He whimpered softly, burying his muzzled face in his arms.

 _I want to go home._ He thought longingly. _I want my brothers_.

 _Raphael?!_ Raph's head jerked up, staring around the room. What had that been? Who said it? _My son, can you hear me?_

 _Wh-what's going on? Where are you? Who are you? Don't hurt me!_ Raph thought back desperately, hugging himself tighter.

 _Be calm, Raphael._ The voice soothed. _I am your father, Master Splinter. I was meditating when I came across your spirit._

 _Splinter…?_ Raph wondered in surprise. _I...remember your name…_ there was a pause, in which he felt a pang of anguish. He'd forgotten, he'd forgotten them.

 _That is good, Raphael. That you remember my name. Do you know your brothers?_

 _Leo, Mikey, Donnie._ Raph thought immediately. _Shredder wants them, and you._

 _Are you with the shredder?_ Splinter questioned, Raph nodded, eyes darting from side to side nervously.

 _He wants you. But I don't remember…_ He thought, curling up in the corner against the wall. _Can't remember what's real…_

 _It will be alright, Raphael. Do you know where you are?_

 _In my cell._ Raph replied promptly.

 _Where is your cell?_

 _In the shredder's lab._ Raph responded. He sensed that Splinter was annoyed and physically recoiled. _I'm sorry! I did it wrong! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!_ Fear clouded his mind and while he thought the other voice replied, he couldn't hear it. Raph's shoulders shook as he began to sob into his arms. He'd done it wrong, he should have tried harder. Raph couldn't do anything right, that's probably why he ended up where he was. The green-eyed terrapin curled into a tighter ball and let tears slide out of his eyes. He just wanted to go home, he wished he could be home.

* * *

Splinter's eyes shot open, mind whirling with what his son had said. He had not seen Raphael's spirit in the astral realm, only heard his voice. It concerned him, and Splinter got to his feet, stroking his beard in thought. Raphael must be closer than he had been these past weeks, almost three and a half now, which meant that he must no longer be in Japan. The mutant rat's eyes widened and he walked briskly out to Donatello's lab, where his smartest son was trying to find a way to travel across the world. Leonardo was with him, though Splinter did not see Michelangelo.

"My sons," he said, they both turned in surprise, he saw how tired they were.

"I'm trying sensei, but it's hard for four mutants to-"

"I have made contact with Raphael in the astral realm." Splinter said, his son's eyes widened and they shot to their feet.

"You talked to him? Is he okay?" Leonardo asked immediately. "Is he really with the shredder? I thought you couldn't contact people so far away!"

"He's back from Japan." Donatello realized, understanding dawning on his face. "He must be in New York or something, father, this is great!"

"Your brother's spirit did not join me." Splinter said softly. They both looked at him. "I was meditating when I heard his voice but did not see any astral form. He was wishing for home." Leonardo's face crumpled.

"What did they do to him…?" he whispered, leaning on a table for support.

"Raphael did not understand who I was, at first." Splinter continued, "but when I told him my name...he realized who I was. He was proud to tell me he remember my name...as well as you three."

"Shell." Donatello fell back into his chair, looking exhausted. "Raph…"

"He said that the Shredder wanted him to betray us." Splinter relayed softly, "but he could not remember. He did not know where he was other than with the Shredder, in a cell. Your brother's mind and spirit have been severely damaged, my sons."

"Raph…" Leonardo gasped, holding a hand over his mouth. Tears were welling in his cobalt eyes. "Sensei, we have to save him. We have to get Raph back!"

"I agree, my son." Splinter nodded. "But where is Michelangelo?" Donatello and his brother exchanged glances.

"In his room." Donatello said softly, "he's been there since we figured out Raph was in Japan...he hasn't said a word to either of us since." Splinter's ears drooped at that, nodding.

"I will speak to him, my sons," he said softly. "Be ready to go find your brother tomorrow night, my sons." they nodded, and he walked out toward the bedrooms. He went to Michelangelo's door and knocked, then opened it without waiting for a reply. His youngest son lay on his bed, back facing the door. "Michelangelo." he didn't reply. Splinter walked gingerly through the disastrous room to his son's bed, sitting on the edge. "Are you alright?" he shook his head. "Do you wish to speak to me?" another shake of the head. "Michelangelo." finally, the orange masked turtle rolled over to look at his father, baby blue eyes full of despair. "What is the matter, my son?"

"Raph's far away," Michelangelo whispered, picking at his elbow pad. "And we don't know how to get him back." Splinter smiled gently, resting a hand on Michelangelo's shoulder.

"That is what I have come to tell you, my son." he said softly, "we believe that Shredder has brought your brother back to New York City." Michelangelo blinked, not seeming to understand. "I contacted Raphael in the astral realm. He is...not well."

"Raph...he's here?" Michelangelo sat up slowly, voice very soft. "In New York?"

"He does not know where he is." Splinter replied, "but he is close enough for me to reach him." Michelangelo blinked, as if trying to process something, then he turned to his father.

"Master Splinter…" he said softly. "I need to tell you something." Splinter looked at his son in concern, now worried. "After Raph vanished...I started feeling weird. I guess it was because...I was so used to being able to feel him here, and then he was gone."

"Feel him." Michelangelo nodded.

"In here." he hovered a hand over his plastron. "But when he went away...it wasn't there. I...I started having nightmares...about him. About us hurting him, him hurting us, y-you hurting us...I don't understand why…" Michelangelo slowly drew his legs up to his chest and hugged them. "And for a while, it hurt too much to talk...without him. and...I feel funny...and...and I ache. He's missing, Sensei. I feel a bit better now, but it still hurts to talk, and...it's still empty." he looked pleadingly up at Splinter, who was now staring at his son with some wonder. "Tell me why?"

"Michelangelo." Splinter said, drawing his son into a gentle hug. "I believe that you and Raphael share a bond even you did not understand."

"What do you mean…?" Mikey wondered softly.

"You and Raphael had a connection very few have, and in english, they call it a soulmate. There is no perfect translation, but this serves it some justice."

"I thought that meant in love…" Mikey wrinkled his nose in slight disgust, Splinter chuckled.

"Michelangelo, it simply means that you two have a bond between your spirits and your minds. Once you meet your soulmate, being away from them hurts very much. When you have a very strong connection, you may have the same pain as they do, do you understand?" Michelangelo nodded, slowly.

"So...this whole time…" he whispered, rubbing his chest gently, Splinter frowned in worry. "I've felt...what Raph felt…?"

"Only a shadow." Splinter replied softly, hugging Mikey tighter. "Do not worry, my son. Tomorrow night we will get Raphael back, and our family can begin to heal." Michelangelo nodded against his father's chest, tears stinging his eyes.

"Hai, Sensei," he whispered softly, hugging his father tightly. "Thank you."

* * *

 _Raph ran through the dark tunnel, something splashing on his legs. It smelled foul, but he didn't care. He was going home, he was so close. The turtle skidded around a corner, then up some steps. This was home, it had to be home! He remembered this, he had to remember it! There! His three brothers and his father were all sitting in a sunken pit, watching a television screen. A grin broke over Raph's face and he ran toward them, they turned, and their faces melted into shock and horror._

" _What are you doing here?" Leo jumped to his feet, outraged. Raph halted, eyes wide._

" _I…"_

" _You betrayed us, Raph!" Don yelled._

" _You joined the shredder!" Mikey said nodding. "We don't want you here, go away." Raph stared at them. But, this was home. He'd tried so hard to get home. Why didn't they want him anymore?_

" _But, I…" Raph's voice shook. "I want to be home...I didn't mean to...please…"_

" _You never do anything right anyway." Splinter added, eyes dark in disapproval. Raph stumbled back, eyes filling with tears._

" _Why couldn't you just stay with the Shredder?" Leo added, "You hurt us for him, why don't you just stay?"_

" _I didn't I didn't I didn't…" Raph gasped, clamping his eyes shut. "I didn't."_

Raphael's eyes snapped open to find himself in Tigerclaws grasp, his eyes widened in terror. He couldn't do what Shredder said. If he did what Shredder said his family wouldn't want him anymore, they'd hate him!

"No!" Raph growled, trying to pull away. Tigerclaw snarled, yanking Raph down the stone hall toward Shredder.

"Move, Cub!" he snarled, "Master Shredder wants you tranquilized."

"NO!" Raph screamed, struggling harder. Tigerclaw snarled and pulled him into Stockman's lab, Raph screamed again, tears rolling down his face. "Let me go! Please!"

"Strap him down," Stockman said in irritation. "It won't work well if he struggles like this." Tigerclaw slammed Raph onto a metal table and pulled thick straps over him. Raph screamed again, realizing that a shredded muzzle hung around his neck, that his fingers had scratched along his face and neck. Raph screamed, trying to push him off of the table.

"What is he doing?" Shredder demanded, storming in. "why is he panicking?"

"He started screaming in his sleep, father," Karai replied, when had she gotten here? "He tore the muzzle off himself and started slamming his head into the wall." had he done that? It would explain the aching in his head.

"Let me go!" Raph screamed, trying to lash out. Shredder snarled under his breath.

"It must be the blasted damage to his brain, Stockman!" he yelled, "this is what you've done! Wasted resources!"

"I couldn't have known-"

"Silence!" Shredder roared, Raph screamed again. He had to get out of here!

"I may have a solution." Baxter suddenly said, pulling out a syringe. Raph screamed at the sight. "This is an early version of brain serum I've been developing, it makes the recipient obey everything you say, Master Shredder." there was a moment of silence, Raph's breathing was ragged as he tried to pull against the straps.

"Administer it." Shredder finally growled, Raph screamed.

"NO! PLEASE NO!" He pleaded as Tigerclaw held him more still, Stockman walked over with the syringe. Raph screamed, trying to shake his head, as Stockman plunged the needle into his neck and inserted the strange chemical into Raph's veins. Raphael's vision went foggy, his body fell limp, and his scream echoed around the room as he fell into the darkness.

* * *

 _ **Dun Dun Dun…. I figured it couldn't hurt to have some Season 3 action in here even though it's based between Season 1 and 2, whaddya think? Will the serum work? What will happen to Raph and his brothers? Y'all gonna find out on FRIDAY! I PROMISE! Please don't hate me… Thank you for reading and PLEASE review!**_

 _ **Until FRIDAY,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	6. Crippled

_**Hey everyone. I saw some good theorizing in those reviews… mwehehehehe. Glad I could hurt your hearts a little. Anyway. In this chapter… well, let's just say things don't go as planned…. ;).**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: You'll see…. Keep in mind this was a very primitive version of the serum.**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: I did consider killing Raphael in this fic but decided to restrain myself. Not to say there isn't death…**_

 _ **I know other people reviewed, but Fanfiction has been eating them. 0-0 just know I appreciate it all and I really hope you enjoy this chapter.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or the characters.**_

 _ **And now, enjoy if you can.**_

* * *

His eyes opened slowly, blinking at the faces above him. Where was he? What was going on?

"Turtle." the man above him said, "sit up." he frowned. What? Sit up? The turtle slowly, slowly lifted himself into a sitting position, his body felt numb and it took him forever to process anything. Why did the man want him to sit up? He lifted a hand, staring numbly at the green skin. Was skin green? He blinked slowly, not understanding.

"What's he doing?" a female voice asked in disgust. He blinked, slowly, slowly turning his head to look around.

"That's not right." a dark-skinned man said. "He shouldn't be lethargic, he should be ready for service! Something went wrong!" what did lethargic mean? He blinked, feeling tired as he lowered his hand.

"Stockman!" the first man roared in fury, the turtle lay back down, closing his eyes. Sounds above him, shouting and crashing nearly overwhelmed him. Then it was silent. "Tigerclaw." a voice growled through the silence. "Knock him unconscious and leave him somewhere the turtles are sure to find him. We have no use for it and seeing his son in this state will make Splinter pay." blinding pain shot through his head and his senses went dark.

* * *

Michelangelo stumbled, catching himself on the wall, a small cry of pain echoing through the lair. His brothers spun in shock, and Splinter ran to his side.

"Michelangelo!" he held his son gently, "are you alright?"

"It hurts…" Mikey gasped, holding his head. "It...they hurt him." Leo and Donnie exchanged scared looks, having just learned of their other brothers' close connection.

"You must distance yourself, my son." Splinter said, looking stricken. "You must remember it is not your pain to bear." Mikey nodded, rubbing tears from his eyes.

"We have to go get him." he whispered, "we have to." the others nodded.

"He's right, Master Splinter." Leo said, "it's almost sundown anyway, we have to go get Raph back. If they're really hurting him…" Mikey took a shaky breath as they watched their father. Splinter nodded.

"Go, my sons. I will prepare the medical bay for your brother." He helped Mikey to his feet, Mikey nodded, eyes hard in determination.

"Hai." The three ninjas said in unison, turning to run out of the lair. They grabbed their weapons and ran through the sewers toward the lair.

"We stay underground as long as possible," Leo instructed. "Once we get to Shredder's lair we get in no matter what. Raph's probably going to be too injured to get home, we'll have to carry him or something. Get ready."

"Yeah." Donnie nodded. "I can't believe we've taken so long, it's almost been a month!" Mikey didn't speak, just focused on running as fast as he could.

"Mikey wait up!" Leo called, Mikey ignored him and ran around a corner, faster than ever. "Michelangelo!" Leo sighed. Mikey ran faster, around another turn, and then stopped in his tracks, eyes wide in terror. A scream echoed down the tunnel and Leonardo looked at Don, eyes wide.

"MIKEY!" They screamed in unison, running as fast as possible. Michelangelo had fallen to his knees in the sewage, cradling a jade green head in his lap. Tears streamed down his face as he looked at his brother, at Raphael.

"Raph what did they do?" he gasped, holding Raph gently. "What did they do to you?"

"Mikey!" Leo and Donnie came gasping to a halt. "RAPH!"

"He's hurt." Mikey gasped, staring at the scars and scabs on his brothers face. Scratches ran around his face and what looked like a torn up muzzle hung around his neck. There were needle marks in his neck and arms, and a large bruise on the side of his head. "They hurt him." tears burned his eyes as they lifted Raph gently up. There was a long scar across Raph's chest, it looked slightly infected.

"We need to get him home." Donnie said. " _Now."_ The three turtles ran as fast as possible back toward the lair, minds whirling in shock and fear. Why was Raph abandoned in the sewers, injured and unconscious? Mikey stared down at Raphael's sleeping face, it looked way too peaceful concerning the bruises and scars that decorated it. Tears burned in the youngest turtles eyes and the three of them started running faster, as if they telepathically spoke to each other.

"Father!" Leo all but screamed as they dashed into the lair. Splinter was immediately by their side, how he got there so fast Mikey didn't know, and didn't really care.

"Raphael!" he gasped, eyes wide in fear. "Into the dojo, my sons. Hurry!" they nodded, running Raph to the dojo where a softer rug and a pillow had been laid down. "Where did you find him?"

"He was a few blocks away from the shredder's lair, in the sewers." Leo choked out miserably. "He's unconscious and hurt badly, we don't know why he was there." Donnie pulled out a gadget and started scanning over his brother.

"Looking for trackers." he explained, then shook his head. "None. that's insane, why was Raph away from Shredder? Did he escape?" Mikey had grabbed his brothers hand, not caring about the tears that streamed down his face.

"Donatello get the medical kit, Leonardo get rags and warm water." Splinter commanded, holding a hand over Raph's mouth. "He is breathing, though unconscious." both brothers nodded and got up, leaving the dojo quickly.

"Is he gonna be okay, Master Splinter?" Mikey asked softly, it hurt to speak and that scared him. "Look at what they did. They left him in the sewers, I don't think Raph would have been running in the middle of the sewage, father." Splinter shook his head, adjusting Raph's limp form to a more comfortable position.

"We cannot be sure until he wakes up, if then, Michelangelo." he said softly, resting a hand on Raph's forehead. "Your brother has suffered severe physical, mental, and spiritual damage. He may never be the same." A shiver ran down Mikey's shell, Leo ran in with water and rags. "Start cleaning the sewage off of him, especially around his wounds. Gently." Splinter instructed, taking a wet cloth and beginning to gently clean Raph's chest wound.

"Hai." Leo breathed, washing Raph's face gently. He took in a quick breath, and Mikey saw what he was staring at. Needle marks. At least fifty needle marks in Raph's neck, along with some on his arms. What had they done to Raph?

"You'll be okay, Raphie." Mikey whispered, holding Raphael's hand tighter. "You have to be okay."

* * *

 _He was running. He was running as fast as possible. Something was coming, but he didn't know what. He didn't know where he was, what was coming, what it would do to him, or what he'd do to defend himself. His movements became sluggish and Raph grimaced, forcing himself to move like he was stuck in thick mud. He knew he had to get to his destination, there was something important just around the corner. It took Raph forever to move a single footstep, and the thing chasing him was faster. Pain encased his body and Raphael screamed, feeling himself become paralyzed. Scratches and aches, burning sensations coursed through him as tears streamed down his jade green skin. His red mask was soaked, when had he gotten his mask back? Raph screamed again, feeling hundreds of insects crawling along his arms. He tried to scratch them off but they wouldn't move, why wouldn't they move? The turtle fell to the ground, still screaming._

" _PLEASE!" He screamed despite his aching throat. "STOP!"_

" _Raph?" one of the bugs asked in shock, "Raph!" now worried. Raphael slapped it away, screaming again._

" _Raphael lay still!" another insect commanded, growing in size to hold Raph down. Raph screamed louder, struggling against him. "Raphael, you must calm yourself!"_

" _What's happening?" a bright orange dragonfly asked in worry. "What's he doing?"_

" _Mikey let's go out." a blue beetle commanded, Raph screamed. Why were they talking? Bugs weren't supposed to talk!_

" _GET OFF OF ME!" Raph screamed, writhing to escape. "Get them off! Please! They're everywhere!"_

"He's hallucinating!" the first bug was back, Raph let out a sob. Why wouldn't they just leave him alone? "Raph it's me, Donnie! You're safe now!" Donnie? Donnie was important...Raphael suddenly stopped moving, stopped screaming, stopped anything. Donnie, Donatello! Donnie was here, all he had to do was open his eyes.

"Raphael?" that was his father's voice, Raphael nearly shook with emotion. Things were processing too slowly, he could barely force himself to keep breathing unless that was all he focused on. "Can you hear me, Raphael? Please open your eyes." Raph was afraid, what if they were actually bugs? But the sound of his father's voice made Raph slowly, slowly open his eyes, blinking in confusion. Two worried faces stared down at him, and he could see tree leaves above, and a grate showing early morning light. Raph blinked slowly again, not quite understanding.

"Raph!" Donnie gasped in shock. Raph blinked again, his entire body felt like it was made of lead. Fears and terror flooded into the green eyed terrapins head and his breathing hitched, tears filling his eyes. What if this was just another hallucination from the shredder? Were they going to kill him? Torture him? Was he going to hurt them? "Thank goodness you're awake!"

"He's awake?!" a voice yelled, footsteps ran toward them. "Raph!" Leo's face appeared next to the other two, Raph stared at him, slowly gaining feeling in the rest of his body. A silent face that Raph was pretty sure shouldn't be silent joined as well, baby blue eyes bright with worry.

"You had a nightmare, my son." Splinter said. "A night terror, possibly. But I assure you that you are safe, you are home now." Raph blinked, taking a moment to understand what his father had said. Home, safe? He was home, didn't Shredder want to know where that was? Raphael frowned in confusion.

"Please talk." Mikey said, voice weak. "I wanna hear your voice." Raph blinked. Please talk.

"M-Mi-key…" he choked out, forcing his attention on his voice. "'M...he-he-here…" Michelangelo's eyes filled with tears and he hugged Raph around the neck, beginning to sob.

"I missed you!" he choked out, "w-we were so afraid!"

"Mikey be careful!" Donnie chided, Michelangelo sat back, rubbing tears off his cheeks. Raph let out a faint whimper, closing his eyes. He was so tired...so very tired.

"Don't go back to sleep already!" Mikey gasped, "you just woke up!" the green eyed turtle forced his eyes open again. Don't go back to sleep.

"It would actually be better if he slept, Mikey." Donnie said softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Trauma, not to mention infection and who knows what else, he needs time to recover." Mikey frowned.

"But-" then he nodded. "You're right." Raph blinked in confusion. What did they want him to do then?

"Raph, shell, it's good to have you home." Leo said, shaking his head. "We were worried about you." Raph blinked, trying to decide if this was a dream or not.

"We should give him space so he can sleep." Donnie said, Splinter nodded.

"Donatello is right, and you three need rest as well. I will watch over Raphael." The old rat said, Raph's brothers looked like they were about to protest, but Leo sighed.

"Hai." he said, bowing. "Come on guys, see you later Raph." they walked out and Raph felt a burst of panic. What if they didn't come back? He grunted, trying to sit up.

"Raphael!" Splinter pushed Raph back down. "You must rest, my son. You have been through a lot." Raph let his head fall back onto the pillow, relaxing. "I will be here, you must sleep, my son." Raph breathed deeply, then nodded slightly, closing his eyes. But he couldn't sleep, no matter how much he wanted to. If this wasn't really a dream, he didn't want to have a dream. But if it was a dream, he didn't want to wake up. "You are safe, Raphael." Raph let out a slow breath, knowing he would fall asleep anyway. "I will stay here."

* * *

Leonardo watched as his brother fell asleep in the dojo, Don and Mikey were right by him, also wanting to stay by their brother. Splinter's back was to them, but a twitch of his ears told them he wanted them to go. Leo sighed, turning away from the dojo.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Mikey asked softly, walking over to hug Leo's arm. Leo hesitated, how was he supposed to answer? None of them had been captured by an enemy for that long, heck, barely at all really. And Raph had been through so much, they were only fifteen.

"I don't know." he said in defeat, shrugging. "I hope so." Donnie bit his lip, drawing Leo's attention. "Don?"

"Leo, Raph was hallucinating in his sleep, he scratched up and down his own arms really hard." Donnie whispered, hugging himself slightly. "That's what made the wounds on his arms and face, Raph went through things that made him lose touch from reality. The needle marks on his neck, I don't even want to know what they injected into him, really." he took a shaky breath. "But Raph isn't going to be the same anytime soon." the group of three fell silent, and then Mikey spoke up.

"Doesn't matter if he's the same, he's still Raph." the younger turtle said determinately. Leo nodded in agreement. Don nodded as well, but he still hugged himself and looked at the ground.

"Why do you think they left him in the sewers?" Don asked after a moment of silence, they all looked at each other. Leo had a growing pit of unease in his stomach. "No tracker, he was alone, why would they just give him back?" they fell silent for a moment.

"Do you think they got rid of him because…" Leo couldn't force himself to say what he was thinking.

"Because they couldn't use him for anything anymore." Michelangelo said, tears springing to his eyes. Mikey buried his face in Leo's plastron, trying not to sob. "Leo, Leo what did they do to him?"

"I don't know." Leo said softly, hugging him back. "But he's safe now, okay? We won't let anyone touch him again." Mikey nodded, but still took a shaky breath.

"Can we all sleep out here…?" he asked softly, looking up at his brothers. "I don't wanna be alone…"

"Absolutely." Leo agreed, "come on. I want to be close to Raph anyway." they walked over to the couch, Don left for a minute and then came back with pillows and blankets. Mikey immediately distracted himself by arranging a big nest of blankets on the floor. Leo smiled and lay down in the middle, his two brothers snuggled up on either side of him almost immediately.

"Wake me up if…" Mikey yawned. "Anything happens…"

"Of course." Leo agreed, Michelangelo snuggled his head against Leo's chest, eyes sliding shut. It had been a long day, Leo sighed, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"What will we do if Raph…" Donnie swallowed thickly, curling himself up into a smaller ball. "What if he doesn't get better?" Leo sighed slowly.

"He's still our brother, and nothing can change that. No matter how changed he is, how better he gets or not, we'll never stop being his brothers." he replied. "What we'll do...I don't know. We'll figure it out."

"Okay…" Donnie sighed, yawning as well. "Long day…." Leo nodded in agreement.

"Go to sleep, Don." he said softly, "It's okay." Donatello didn't need to be told twice and soon he was snoring, a faint whistle from the gap in his teeth. Leonardo sighed, turning his head slightly to look in the dojo. Dim light shone from candles, and he could see his father's silhouette. "Goodnight Raph." he whispered softly, closing his own eyes. Raph would get better, he had to be okay. He had to.

* * *

 _ **So what do you think? Plot twisty enough for you? Raph's… home already? But Jelly! There's still thirteen more chapters! I know, don't worry. I have many evil plans. Just stay calm. *evil grin* That being said… what do you guys think? Thank you for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	7. Fragmented

_**Okay first off I am a horrible person and I am VERY sorry I didn't post yesterday! I literally forgot until I was almost asleep, so here I am at six thirty in the morning getting it all ready to post for you guys! I really am sorry. On a lighter note, all the reviews Fanfiction ate were regurgitated and I'll now be able to reply to them all! Lol.**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: haha, what would give you that suspicious? ;) You right.**_

 _ **To mysterious-Becci-D: Yay! I'm glad you love it! 3**_

 _ **To a guest reviewer: not sure if all yours had been eaten or if you read this all at once, but reading through your little commentary made me smile! I'm glad you like this story! And don't you worry… there's more feels where that all came from. Hehehe.**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: hahahahahaha I just like to keep you guys on your toes. You guessed it head on, but you'll see more of that in the chapters to come… mwahahahahaha!**_

 _ **Thanks for the awesome reviews and support, guys. It really means a lot. And again, I'm sorry it's late.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

Donnie woke up and lifted his head gently, looking over at Leo and Mikey. Mikey was sprawled out dramatically, head on Leo's plastron and arms splayed out across the floor. Don smirked. Leo was lying peacefully, almost like a mummy. The gap-toothed turtle gently lifted himself away from them and got to his feet, heading straight to the dojo where he knew his brother and father were waiting. Don peaked his head into the dojo. Splinter was still lying at Raphael's side, one hand resting on his forehead. Raph was asleep, but Splinter was watching his son tiredly.

"Sensei." Don walked over and kneeled beside his father. Splinter looked at him.

"Donatello, did you rest, my son?" Don nodded, looking down at his brothers sleeping face. Raphael had long scars along both sides of his face, they were thin and faint, not made from his own fingers. They were made by three blades, Shredder's gauntlets. A shiver ran down Donnie's shell as he reached forward to gently touch Raph as if to make sure he was really there.

"Did he wake up at all?" Don asked, glancing at his father. Splinter shook his head.

"Your brother did have some nightmares, but he was not aware of his true surroundings," he replied. "Would you get a cold cloth for him, Donatello? He has developed another fever." Don nodded, getting to his feet.

"Of course sensei." he headed to the kitchen, even though he didn't want to leave Raph's side. He was worried, why wouldn't he be? Raph had been in the Shredder's hands for nearly a month, he was obviously going to be hurting for a long time. Don shook his head and wet a cloth before hurrying back to the dojo. It was just as he'd left it. When Don lay the cloth down on Raphael's head the turtle let out a faint whimper. Donnie winced at the pathetic sound. Splinter sighed wearily.

"You need rest too, father," Don said, looking up. "I'll wake you if I need you, but I can sit with him." Splinter looked at his son, clearly torn.

"Raphael needs me near him," he said softly, shaking his head wearily. Donnie frowned.

"Why don't you lay down on a rug next to him then?" he suggested, Splinter sighed.

"You are stubborn, Donatello." he chuckled. "And I know I need sleep, very well. Do wake me if anything happens." Donnie nodded as his father lay down on one of the rugs beside Raph.

"I promise I will, sensei," he vowed, Splinter smiled, then sighed and closed his eyes. Donnie looked down at Raph, who had grimaced in his sleep. What could the green-eyed turtle be dreaming, hallucinating? A small whimper escaped Raph again and his hand crept toward Donatello. Don glanced at it, then grasped it firmly. "Don't worry, Raph," he said softly. "I'm right here." Raphael clutched Don's hand tightly and whimpered again, looking like he was in pain. "You're okay." but was he? Did Raph even know where he was? Donnie held back tears of his own as Raph shook his head back and forth, making small distressed noises. "I'm right here."

* * *

" _I'm here for you." an ominous voice hissed in Raphael's ear. He gasped, spinning around. Nothing was there. "I'm right here." it taunted from behind him again. Raph swallowed and struck out with his elbow, whirling around. It was gone again. "Yes keep spinning, that will work," Raph growled under his breath, lowering his fists. Where was this thing? "Don't worry, I'll take good care of you, Raphael." it hissed, breathing on his neck. Raph cried out in fear, spinning despite himself. This time he saw a flicker of shadow in his peripheral vision._

" _Wh-what do you want?" he stuttered, breathing heavily. "Who are you?"_

" _Don't you recognize me?" the voice snarled on his neck, Raph shivered. "I am the person that did this to you." Raph's eyes widened._

" _Sh-Sh-Shredder?" the voice laughed, and its laugh didn't sound like the shredder's laugh. "Wh-what is this? Who are you!"_

" _Remember me?" Mikey's voice asked, but it was twisted in uncharacteristic sarcasm. "Your special little bro? Not so little anymore!" something heavy hit Raphael in the side and he cried out in pain again, stumbling._

" _Wh-what?" he shook his head blearily. "Why would you…?"_

" _You killed me!" the voice hissed, slapping Raph around again. "You killed all of us! I hate you!"_

" _No, no please!" Raph begged, trying to stand and getting shoved down again. "I didn't mean to! I...I never wanted to!"_

" _You betrayed us, Raphael." Leo's voice growled, Raph gasped in pain as an invisible katana ran through his chest. "We would never forgive you, and we never want to see you again."_

" _P-please!" Raph protested, tears filling his eyes. "I just- I just wanted to-" he screamed as something stabbed his stomach. "Please!"_

" _Stop blubbering, Raphael!" Donatello's voice growled as a staff pinned him to the invisible ground. "You're weak! You've always been weak! We've had enough of you, why don't you just go back to the Shredder where you belong!"_

" _I'm sorry!" Raph gasped, trying to breathe. "I...I'm sorry!"_

" _Sorry does not fix the past." Splinter's voice reminded. Something pressed a pressure point in Raph's neck and his body seized with agony. He let out a small scream as he tried to get away. Why were they hurting him like this?_

" _I-I'll do anything!" Raph begged once the point was released. "Please! Anything you say!"_

" _Then die." Leonardo snarled, Raphael let out a sob._

" _I- please!" he cried, "I just want to be home! Let me go home!"_

" _You want to go home?" the first voice was back, breathing down Raphael's shell. The staff vanished from Raphael's neck and he gasped, sitting up. "You want to go home, Raphael?"_

" _Yes!"_

" _Then go home!" it hissed, blinding pain wracked through Raphael's body and he screamed, eyes flying open._

"Raph!" Donatello's brown eyes were wide as Raph stared up at him, trying to process what had just happened. "Raphael, are you okay? You screamed and you were seizing in your sleep and, you were thrashing around but-"

"Donatello." Splinter's voice interrupted. "It is over, Raphael needs time to recover from the terror before he can do anything else."

"But-"

"Why don't you go prepare your brother something to eat?" Splinter suggested, Donnie sighed.

"Hai." he left, and Raph stayed where he was, still paralyzed with fear. Slowly, he regained feeling and a hand crept to his chest, where he'd felt a katana stab him. There was nothing but the slightly infected wound from the Shredder. But it had been so real, why was he still confused? He was home, right? Was it a dream still? Raphael lowered his hand and looked up at Splinter, trying to figure out if he was real or not. Splinter looked down at him worriedly.

"Raphael," he said. "Do you know where you are?" Raph swallowed. He wanted to be home, he thought he was home, but was he?

"C-can…" he took a deep breath. "Can I be...home? Please?" Splinter smiled sadly.

"Yes, you are," he promised. "You are safe, Raphael." Raph swallowed. Isn't that what the dream would say? He gingerly and slowly lifted a hand up to touch his father's face. One thing he knew was that he couldn't touch the hallucinations, but they could touch him. Splinter looked surprised, but let him. Tears sprang to Raph's eyes. They were real, he wanted them to be real so badly.

"F-f-father…" he gasped, tears running down his face. "I….I missed you…"

"I missed you as well, Raphael." Splinter said, smiling. "Do you think you can sit up?" sit up. Raph frowned, focusing his energy on pushing himself into a sitting position. He let out a gasp of pain and grimaced, but pulled his battered legs into a lotus position. At least he thought that's what it was. "Do not harm yourself!" Splinter warned Raph shook his head. He had to do what they said, or they might hurt him again. Just in case none of it had been a dream…

"Hey, Raph!" Donnie said as he entered, holding a bowl of ramen. "I have ramen for you- are you sure he should be sitting up, Sensei?" Splinter looked at Raph for a moment before nodding.

"If he wishes to sit up, he may." he finally said. Raph glanced at the ramen in Don's hands and tried not to show how hungry he was.

"Want your food now?" Don asked, holding out the bowl. Raph just looked at it. "Take it, then." take it. Raph reached forward and accepted the bowl, immediately beginning to eat. "Wow, you were hungry." Raph nodded, looking up at them. He saw Donnie flinch and frowned, putting the bowl down.

"D-Don?" he questioned, Donnie looked at his hands.

"Sorry, I just...I hate seeing what they did to you," he said softly, rubbing his arm. Raph blinked, not quite understanding what Donatello meant. He reached up instinctively and touched the side of his face, feeling the thin bumpy scars across each side.

"I…" Raph felt his throat tighten. They weren't going to hate him, were they? For... getting so hurt? For being weak? "Sorry…" Donatello's eyes widened.

"Raph, no, it's not your fault, of course, it isn't!" he shook his head vigorously. "You...you're still you. Nothing can change that, I'm sorry." Raph nodded, but his mind was still weighed down with doubt and fear, even some guilt.

"You're awake!" someone yelled, Raphael flinched, jumping. Pain throbbed through him and the turtle hunched over, groaning slightly. "Oops, you okay Raph?" Mikey knelt next to him with wide eyes, Leo stood behind him anxiously. Raph grimaced, nodding. They wanted him to be okay, he had to be okay. Mikey's face lit up as he seemed to remember something. "I know what'll make you feel better!" within seconds he was on his feet, running out of the dojo. Raph watched him, face still twisted in pain.

"Raphael, are you alright?" Splinter asked, eyes full of concern. Raph took a deep breath, which just sent another jolt of pain through his chest. But he forced himself to straighten, nodding.

"I'm glad to see you were eating." Leo said, nodding to the abandoned bowl of ramen. "You're thin." Raph glanced down at himself, feeling the fear creep back. Would they not want him unless he was the same as before?

"But you'll get better," Don said quickly, shooting Leo a glance that Raph didn't quite understand. "Do you want any more?" Raph shook his head, he felt sick. "Okay…"

"Here we are!" Mikey sang, skipping back in. when Raph saw what was cupped in his hands, his green eyes widened in surprise. He knew what that was, it was… what was it? Raph scowled, reaching up to rub his head. He knew what it was. "Spike missed you!" Raph looked at the creature his brother held out, wracking his memories. He had to remember what it was - Spike?

"Are you okay Raph?" Leo knelt and put a hand on his shoulder. Raph nodded, still staring at the small turtle. Spike. His best friend, how had he forgotten? Raph reached forward timidly, and Mikey placed Spike in his hands. A small smile appeared on his face but melted quickly as he tried to remember more about it. When had he gotten Spike? Was this small animal really his best friend? He remembered his name, that he was a pet, and that Raph loved him more than anything. But that was it. Tears filled the turtle's eyes and Spike looked up at him, blinking.

"Raph?" Mikey asked, "what's wrong?"

"I...don't remember…." Raph choked out, putting Spike on the floor in front of him. A silence fell as they all stared at the turtle, who settled down and fell asleep in front of his owner's leg.

"Oh...that's okay!" Mikey said bracingly, hugging Raph with one arm, Raph cringed at the physical touch. No one noticed. "Spike remembers you! And I bet playing with him will help you remember, right guys?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Leo nodded in agreement.

"Absolutely." Don agreed, Raph could tell he didn't believe it. Tears filled his eyes again as he realized what was happening. He was broken, and his family didn't like it. They wanted him to get better, to be the same. But Raph couldn't be the same, he knew he couldn't.

"Boys, you should go." Splinter said Raph looked up with wide eyes. His brothers looked at him in surprise, and the turtle realized he was crying. "Raphael needs rest and space. You may come to see him later."

"Kay…" Mikey pouted, getting to his feet.

"Take Spike with you." Splinter instructed, Leo nodded and scooped Spike up, Raph watched them leave, not caring to wipe his tears away. Then they were gone, they left. "Raphael, my son?" Raph looked at him fearfully.

"Sorry," he whispered, rubbing the tears off his cheeks. "I..I didn't mean to…" Splinter gently took his sons face in his hands, looking directly into his eyes. Raph let out a whimper, shaking slightly.

"Raphael." the old rat said softly. "You did nothing wrong, my son. I understand that you must be going through much." Raph just kept staring at his father, what did Splinter know? Did he know how broken Raph was? "I do not know all that happened to you, what that monster did to you, but you are my son." Splinter suddenly embraced Raph tightly, Raph sat frozen in surprise. "You will always be my son, Raphael."

* * *

Leo stood just outside the dojo after Mikey and Donnie went to the kitchen, watching his brother and father sadly. He was surprised that Splinter hugged him, Splinter was rarely the one to offer up affection like that. Of course, Leo realized sadly, Raph might be afraid to. Raph might be afraid. The thought struck horror into Leo's heart. What exactly had his brother gone through? He'd been injured, injected with unknown chemicals, and he kept having vivid hallucinations whenever he fell asleep. Leo sighed and turned away, looking down at Spike, who was asleep in his hands. Raph didn't remember this creature, that had been his best friend for years. A shiver ran down Leonardo's shell as he walked to put Spike down by his lettuce. Splinter said Raph had been proud he remembered his family, but he didn't remember Spike.

"Oh, Raph…" Leo sighed softly, getting to his feet. "I miss you." Raphael was in the dojo, not ten yards from where Leo stood. But was it really Leo's brother? Leonardo quickly banished the thought. Raph was in there, he was just hurt. It was up to them to help him fix himself. Leo walked to the kitchen, Where Mikey was softly crying into Donnie's shoulder.

"They hurt him, Donnie…" Mikey whispered. "They hurt him so much. Because he wouldn't betray us! He protected us and now look at him, look at what they did to him!"

"I know, Mikey," Donnie said softly, rubbing his brother's shell. "I know."

"And he knows!" Mikey choked out. "He can tell we don't like it!" Leo shivered, realizing Mikey was right. Raph was ashamed, he was ashamed of what Shredder did to him.

"I know," Donnie said again, holding back tears. "But we'll help him, he'll get better." Mikey nodded, but still sobbed into his brother's shoulder.

"Mikey…" Leo walked over and hugged his two brothers gently. "It's still just the second day, bro. Things'll get better." Mikey nodded, but then looked up at him sadly.

"What if they don't?" he choked out, "what if Raph is like this f-f-forever?" Leo frowned.

"Then we'll still take care of him and love him," he said firmly. "Don't worry, Mikey. Raph's our brother, and he's our brother no matter what."

* * *

 _ **Very nice sentiment Leo, but as always you forget to tell the right person. Sigh. Anyway, what did y'all think? Raph's still having nightmares and no one really knows what to do about it. Shredder hasn't been eliminated from the picture, either. Hehehehe, much more feels is to come next chapter. Thank you guys for reading (even though it was late) and please review! I promise I'll get the next one posted right ON FRIDAY!**_

 _ **Until FRIDAY,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	8. Altered

_**Heya, everyone! It's Friday and as promised… I didn't forget. :) This chapter is pretty heartbreaking…. But you'll also see the beginning of some Raphril near the end there. 3. My ship of choice even though it's never ever been canon. :)**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: Oh don't worry. Not many filler chapters in this one… just angst and fluff and many cruel things. :) Aww, thanks for saying I'm not horrible XD. Mental health is a fickle thing in my world.**_

 _ **To Lone Warrior2: You may have posted this review weeks ago because it's on Chapter 3, but maybe not. The thing is I just got it, so I'll respond now, lol. As for them not thinking it was the foot…. Um….. I was banking that on the fact that this is set after season one, and before two. When they were still very young, and before the foot was really their one enemy… I think. Maybe I should go back and watch, we'll see. So sorry if that's kind of OOC for them. Also, get some sleep, my friend. Sleep is good.**_

 _ **IDK if there were any other reviews, fanfiction has a habit of eating them recently. So sorry about that.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or it's characters.**_

 _ **And now, enjoy if you can!**_

* * *

" _What the heck is wrong with you?" Leo snarled, leaning over Raph in annoyance. Raph stared up at him with wide eyes. "You could do this before! Try again!" he yanked Raph roughly to his feet and Raph grimaced. "Do it!" Raph nodded and got into a stance, Leo raised his katana and ran at him. Raph dodged, then tried to swipe a leg under Leo's. But Leo was too fast. He hit the back of Raph's head with the hilt of his sword and Raph screamed in pain, falling to his hands and knees. "You're weak."_

" _Leo, I'm sorry!" Raph pleaded, looking up with wide eyes. "I'll try again! I'll do better!" Leo's lip curled in disgust, holding his sword between Raphael's eyes. Raph stared at the blade in terror. "P-please!"_

" _Better isn't good enough!" Leo said firmly, "You have to do the best! You can't just get to where you were before, You need to get better. Stronger. You need to prove yourself."_

" _How?" Raph's voice cracked, "how can I?"_

" _You?" Leo laughed bitterly. "You can't. You failed, Raphael. You're too weak, we can't have weakness." Raph felt his heart stop in terror at what his brother was saying. "We don't want you."_

" _B-but…"_

" _He's right." Donatello appeared beside Leo, "Your mind isn't as strong as it was either, not that it was strong before." he laughed cruelly and Raph cringed. "You're an idiot, you can't even remember how you got your best friend. You can't even tell reality from fantasy. Why would we want you?"_

" _I…"_

" _You're not my brother anymore." Michelangelo was there as well. "My brother was strong, you're weak and pathetic." Raph felt his arms shaking. "I don't like you, I don't want you, I might even hate you. Look at yourself, you're nothing. Thin, broken, hurt, and scared. You are nothing like our brother."_

" _So what will we do?" Leo asked, grinning maniacally, "we'll get rid of the dead weight."_

" _N-no!" Raph gasped, tears flowing down his face. "P-please! I-I'll try harder!"_

" _Too late." Leo snarled, stepping closer. Raph scrambled back, only to have four-fingered hands grab his arms from behind. He gasped, turning to see his father holding him down firmly._

" _N-no!" he choked out, shaking all over. "L-let me go!"_

" _Shut him up, Mike." Leo snarled, Mikey knelt and wrapped a leather muzzle around Raph's head. Raph screamed through the cloth, tears streaming down his face. "Don't struggle, Raphael. It's just going to make this harder." Raph whimpered pathetically, falling limp in his father's hands as Leo and Donnie walked forward, blades aimed at his throat. "One…" Raph stared up at them with wide eyes. "Two…" panic set in and Raph began to struggle furiously, shaking his head back and forth. "Three!" Raph screamed as they plunged the blades toward him, and then his vocal chords were severed and pain shot through his entire body, blood spurted out and Raphael fell limp again, darkness overcoming his vision._

"Raphael!" something was shaking him. "Raphael wake up, my son. Raphael!" the sound of his father's voice sent terror through every fiber of Raph's being and his eyes snapped open, he cringed away from the mutant rat watching him in concern.

"N-no…" he whimpered, eyes wide. "I-I'm sorry…"

"Raphael, my son…" Splinter reached toward him and Raph screamed, scrambling backward after checking to make sure no one was there. "Raphael…?" footsteps thundered in.

"What's going on?" Leo demanded, running in with his brothers right behind him. "Raph?" Raphael flattened himself against the dojo wall, shaking his head back and forth.

"Raph dude, what happened?" Mikey walked toward him, beginning to kneel down. Raph screamed again, lashing out toward his brother in terror. Mikey froze, eyes wide.

"Don't!" Raph sobbed, shaking his head again. "D-don't touch me! P-please stop!"

"Raph, what's going on?" Leo asked Donnie was kneeling next to Splinter, talking to him quietly while the old rat stared at Raph, eyes wide. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry!" Raph gasped in terror, trying to press himself into the wall more. "I...I didn't...p-please…"

"Dude, calm down," Mikey said, easing toward Raph gently. "We aren't gonna hurt you." Raph wanted to believe that, but how could he? They were going to kill him. Hold him down and muzzle him and hurt him again.

"St-stay away!" he screamed, scrambling away toward the tree.

"What do we do, Sensei?" Leo asked, turning to their father. "He's afraid of all of us."

"Your brother has just experienced another hallucination." Splinter said softly, Raph pulled himself up into the branches of the tree, only half listening to them. "I believe he was experiencing an ultimate betrayal from us…" there was a pause. "We were not satisfied with his improvements and we were doing something to your brother." Raph let out a choked sob, perching himself between two branches.

"Raph, come down!" Donnie called. "Please!"

"N-no!" come down. "No!" Raph grabbed his head. Come down. "NO! I don't want to! Don't tell me to!"

"Okay, okay!" Donnie said quickly, "stay there, then, it's gonna be alright." Raph's breathing eased somewhat, but he still hugged himself tightly and clamped his eyes shut.

"Call April, Don." Leo said, "maybe he's not afraid of her." Raph scowled at the name but turned his head away from them.

"Good idea." Donnie left, Raph shivered. He glanced down at the three others, who were watching him sadly. They wanted to hurt him again, he just knew it.

"It'll be okay, Raph." Mikey said, "I promise." Raph buried his head in his arms, shaking it in refusal. They were lying, he knew they were lying.

* * *

April hurried through the sewers, quickly making her way into the lair. It was quiet, mostly. She could hear soft voices and sobs from the dojo.

"Guys?" she called, hurrying toward it. Don had called and said they needed her right away, and she was worried. Had they gotten bad news about Raph? That might explain the crying.

"April!" Donnie ran out to greet her. "Thank goodness! We aren't sure what happened but Raph's suddenly afraid of all of us, we thought that you might-"

"Raph?" April asked in shock. "He's back?" Donnie blinked.

"Oh, I forgot I didn't tell you yet!" he slapped his forehead. "Raphael is back, but he's been hurt badly. He wasn't afraid of us last night, but he had this nightmare and won't let us get near him. He thinks we're gonna hurt him. We thought he might not be afraid of you, uh, could you try and get him out of the tree? He's still recovering from various wounds and-"

"Of course," April said, knowing Don was about to go on a tangent. "Let's go." they walked into the dojo. Just as Donnie said, Splinter Leo and Mikey were standing under the tree. Gently coaxing their brother down, or trying to. Raph was sitting in the tree, softly sobbing. "Guys, you should give him space," she said, immediately feeling that their close proximity was only making things worse. "Okay?" they all looked at her, then nodded. April walked past them to the base of the tree, looking up at Raph. "maybe out of the room, if you can." Raphael's sobs softened as he watched his family leave, then he turned to April with wide eyes. He didn't seem to understand what he was looking at. April frowned.

"Raph, it's me." She said, "April." there was a flash of recognition in his eyes and Raph seemed to relax a fraction, looking at her curiously.

"April." he echoed, shaking his head. "I…" his face contorted in frustration. "I should remember!" he snarled punching the tree. "I know you! We- we saved you! But…" he shook his head. "I still…" April started up the tree slowly, Raph didn't seem to mind. "Can't...remember...when." April seated herself across the branch from him.

"Raph, what's wrong?" She asked gently, reaching forward slowly. Raph's eyes widened and he flinched, but he let her put a hand on his arm.

"I…" Raph looked down at his hands. "I'm broken, April. They don't like it."

"Who?" April asked, confused.

"They." Raph looked to where the dojo doors were through the leaves. "Th-they…" his voice cracked. "L-Leo and Mikey and Donnie d-don't want me if I'm broken." he shook his head and April felt her heart break. Then Raph's arm began to tremble. "They...they were going to kill me April, they were holding me down and…" tears filled his eyes. "And making me be quiet with a muzzle, and killing me. Again and again."

"If they killed you, you'd be dead," April said in confusion. Raph blinked.

"I...yeah…" he realized softly, looking at his hands. "But…" he frowned. "I'm not."

"That's right." April nodded, moving her hand up to his shoulder. She could feel that something was off, she'd been practicing with Splinter to develop her powers, and this was strange. "Raph…"

"Yes?" Raph looked at her.

"Close your eyes." she had no idea why she felt prompted to say that, but Raphael's eyes immediately snapped shut. He whimpered. April's eyes widened in horror. After a few moments of silence, he forced them back open and buried his head in his hands. April didn't want to do this, but she had to be sure. "Look at me." Raph's head lifted and he watched her with watery eyes, he was shaking.

"Please…" he whimpered softly. "D-don't tell me to…" April stared at him, then reached across the branch and hugged her friend tightly.

"Raph, I'm so sorry," she whispered. "They did this to you, those monsters did." Raph took a choked breath and nodded.

"Can't really…" he paused, "remember. Wanted me to...work for him...didn't work." he whispered softly, April felt her shoulder grow wet with his tears.

"You have to do what someone tells you, don't you?" she asked, Raph pulled back, grimacing.

"Most times…" he said softly, shaking his head. "I don't...I just…" he closed his eyes. "Don't like it."

"You shouldn't like it," April said, folding her arms. "We'll figure out how to stop it, Raph. I promise. But your family isn't going to hurt you, okay?" Raph looked away. "They're worried about you." Raph sighed, shoulders slumping.

"I was scared." he said softly. "they...I thought they hurt me."

"They would never hurt you," April promised, then paused, thinking. "Do you want to get out of the tree now?" she tried her best to not tell him what to do, and it seemed to work. Raph didn't answer. "Raph?"

"Tell them first?" Raph suggested, glancing at her. "Can you tell them?" April nodded, understanding what he meant.

"Yes Raph, I'll tell them what we talked about." she promised, "then will you come down?" Raph frowned, glancing at the branches.

"...not comfortable here anyway." he agreed grudgingly, April smiled and jumped to the dojo floor. She walked out to find the rest of them gathered around the door, waiting for her verdict.

"Raph…" she sighed, rubbing her arm. "I don't know where or when or how you found him, but Shredder injected him with something…"

"The needle marks told us that." Donnie said, "we just don't know _what_." April shot him a look.

"Raph knows what it does." she continued firmly, they all looked at her. "It makes him obey," she said, hugging herself. "He says Shredder wanted him to join him and he wouldn't, so they injected him with something to make him obey." Their looks fell into ones of horror, Donnie leaned against the wall, eyes wide.

"Shell...that's why…" he covered his eyes. "Poor Raph. This whole time...Mikey asked him to talk, we asked him not to go back to sleep, I asked him to come down...I told him to eat...he was forced to do all that?" April nodded, shivering slightly.

"If you know it's there and try to make him do things its worse," she whispered. "I had to make sure...and he hated it. But he understood I had to figure it out."

"But why is he afraid of us?" Leo asked in distress, April looked away, biting her lip. "April?"

"He thinks...he thinks you don't want him." She sighed, "because he's…'broken'. that's what he called himself Leo, and he thought you were going to hold him down and muzzle him and hurt him or something, and kill him. But I told him if it really happened he'd be dead, and he realised it was a dream."

"Raph…" Mikey whimpered, hugging his father tightly.

"He wants to come down, he just wanted me to tell you first." she sighed, "so that you wouldn't make him do things. If you ask if he wants to do it, then he can choose. But don't command him." they all nodded, Leo looked at the dojo in distress. Then his eyes widened. April turned to see Raph standing a few feet inside, looking at the ground.

"Raph!" Mikey gasped, running toward him, Raph took a step back before letting his brother embrace him. "I'm so sorry!" he choked out, Raph closed his eyes and leaned his head on Mikey's shoulder, remaining still. April bit her lip, looking at Leo and Donnie, who were staring in shock at their brother. She sighed.

"Staring won't help, guys." April said softly. "You need to work this out. I can stay and help if you want." Donatello immediately shook his head.

"You have school tomorrow." he said, "thank you so much April. Now that we know what happened we can figure it out." April nodded, glancing at the clock.

"I guess you're right…" She sighed, then turned to where Mikey was still hugging Raph. "Hey, Raph, I have to go but I'll be back tomorrow okay?" Raph nodded, eyes still closed. "Okay, see you then!" the red head turned and walked out of the lair, mind still preoccupied with worry for her friend.

* * *

"Raph…" Leo said softly as they helped Raph sit on the couch, the green eyed turtle was hugging his legs tightly. "I'm sorry, we didn't know…"

"I know."

"We didn't want to force you to do things." Donnie added from his other side, "we just wanted to help you get better." Raph took a breath.

"I know." the group fell into a comfortable silence and Raph glanced up at them, then back down at his knees. He took another deep breath, picking at a bandage. "I...can't remember what's real…" he finally said softly. They all exchanged worried glances. "I mean….I know that you guys didn't really kill me and hurt me but...I remember it." he bit his lip and looked away, Leo felt his heart break. "And I can't tell a difference, which one is real."

"We would never want to hurt you." Leo said, putting a gentle hand on Raph's shoulder. He flinched but didn't pull away. Raph nodded with a shaky breath.

"I...I'll never be the same…" he whispered softly, burying his head in his knees. No one knew what to say to that. "I'm sorry...you don't like me...like this."

"Raph…" Leo whispered, throat becoming tight.

"Raphael, we love you." Donnie whispered softly, Mikey nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you're our bro!"

"B-but…" he shook his head. "In the dreams…"

"They aren't real." Leo promised, "we would never want to hurt you, I promise. None of us would." Raph nodded, lifting his head to rest his chin on his knees, green eyes switching from one family member to the other.

"I-I'm still afraid…" he said softly. "Because sometimes it shows me...myself. I hurt you…" Raph confessed, then leaned over and buried his face in Leo's shoulder. The lair fell silent at the statement, and Leo realised just how damaged his brother really was.

* * *

 _ **Re-reading through this stuff… I realize it's a little OOC. So my bad. Ah well, what did you think? Raph's still having horrible… like really bad dreams that still affect how he sees the real world. April managed to help him… but how successful was it? You may never know… MWAHAHAHA! Yeah. Next chapter has some funsies as well, but it's after a small time skip. Thank you for reading and Please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	9. Barred

_**It's Tuesday and I'm exhausted. Great way to start an AN huh? Ah well, I'm sitting on my bed with my dog and my computer now so I should be okay. Lol. Anyway… this chapter gets pretty intense. Also, there's some stuff in here that probably isn't scientifically possible I just didn't know how else to explain it… but you'll see. Any geniuses out there can correct me if they feel the need. :)**_

 _ **To Lone Warrior2: My legion? Lol…. there's…. Not a legion is there? 0-0 Yeah man, I gotchu. *finger guns* *hand grenade* Yes this is based around the 2012 cartoon. Yeah, there's no spoilers except for what's already been spoiled. I'm sorry, my bad. Lol, and yeah, the darkest cartoon series has to be 2003 though. I'm pretty sure one of the original writers of the comics also helped write it and therefore got to make it darker. YAY! Anyway… thanks for the long review! I love reading long reviews. It makes my heart happy.**_

 _ **To CocokissesTMNT: It's all good, just glad you enjoyed it!**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: haha quite the opposite. Raphael's in for a bumpy ride. Mwahahaha. It's fine if you don't do Raphril, it's really minor in this fic. I'm also happy to hear you read my one-shot with them! 3 Idk why I just can't resist a good Raphril. Hopefully, I don't screw this up.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or it's characters!**_

 _ **And now, enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

"Raph, time for training." Leo's voice called, Raph sighed, pulling a pillow over his head, he didn't want to train, it reminded him too much of being in the Shredder's lair. And it wasn't really training, they were just 'getting him back in shape' like they had been for the past week. "Come on." Raph sat up, grimacing. Come on.

"Coming," he growled, getting to his feet stiffly. Raphael sighed, walking out to the dojo where Leo and Splinter were already waiting. He folded his arms moodily, keeping his eyes trained on the floor at their feet.

"Raph, you okay?" Leo asked, immediately worried. Raph bit back a retort, just nodded. Leo sighed. "Yeah, okay." he sounded doubtful, and Raph reflected that he'd been worse at hiding his true emotions recently, for some 'odd' reason. He wanted to find the Shredder and shove a sai down his-

"Raphael." Raph blinked, looking up at his father. "Wishing revenge is not a good path." Raphael scowled but didn't answer.

"Let's start with stretches." Leo decided, Raph bit back a groan. Stretches, stinking stretches all day every day. He was probably gonna have a mile of stretched out muscle by the time they were done with this 'recovery'. Splinter stroked his beard, watching Raph carefully.

"Leonardo, it might be better if you did something else today." Leo blinked, Raph felt him look over at him.

"Oh, okay." he nodded, thinking. "What about katas?" Raph cringed, shaking his head.

"Thanks no thanks," he muttered, his family members looked at him in surprise.

"Why not?" Leo asked, looking confused. "If you don't want to stretch and you don't want to practice katas then what do you want to do?" Raph shrugged, picking at his elbow pad. Leo sighed. "Raph, come on! Can't you just try to get better?" Raph didn't answer. "I thought you wanted to get better? Hello? Answer!" Raph's head shot up, eyes narrowed. Answer!

"Fine," he said through gritted teeth. "I don't wanna stretch because that's all the heck you'll let me do and I don't wanna practice Katas because I don't feel like remembering Shredder's little training sessions! Any other personal questions I have no choice but to answer?" he snarled, clenching his fists. Leo's eyes widened as he realized his mistake. "Good."

"Raph, I didn't mean to-"

"Of course not," Raph said, shoulders slumping. His short burst of annoyance fled and he sighed, putting a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry." there was a small moment of silence. Then Leo spoke timidly;

"Training sessions?"

"I don't really wanna remember those, remember?" Raph sighed, looking up at his father and brother. "I'm sorry Master Splinter, I've been trying to be better! I've been trying to be like myself, but I just can't!"

"Raphael-"

"I'm serious!" Raph said, putting a hand on his chest. "I tried to get angry, just then, but it didn't work for very long! I was angry at myself this time, which made it even worse! I just can't do it!"

"My son-"

"I told you." Raph sighed miserably. "I told you I'm never going to be the same but you just don't get it! Everything reminds me of it!" his voice cracked slightly. "Everything!"

"Raphael, be still." Splinter put his hands on Raph's shoulders and the turtle flinched. "I am sorry, you know you could have brought your concerns to me earlier." Raph looked down, rubbing his arm. He didn't answer, how could he tell his father that every time they were dismissed from training something kept him from going back to the dojo unless called? It was all so stupid and he hated it with every ounce of strength he had. Unfortunately, he didn't have much. Donnie had made him a special thing that let him sleep without nightmares, but that didn't stop him from remembering the other ones every time he saw his brothers. It couldn't keep him from freaking out whenever something covered his mouth.

"Can I go now?" Raph asked softly, not looking up. There was another moment, and then Splinter lifted his hands from Raph's shoulders.

"Yes, my son." he agreed. "You are dismissed." Raph nodded, turning around stiffly. He bit back a growl, it was happening again. Perfect.

"Hey, Raph!" Mikey called from the pit as Raph walked past. Raph looked at him and forced a smile before heading to his room, closing the door before anyone else could talk to him. The red-masked turtle sighed, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Tears pricked his eyes and Raph buried his face in his arms. He just wanted this to all be over already, he wanted to be better. But Donnie had no clue what had been injected into him, and none of the antidotes had worked on the brain serum.

 _Raph shivered, feeling suddenly cold. He lifted his head and his eyes widened in shock when he found himself back in the cell in shredder's dungeon. No, no! The turtle shot to his feet, only to find his hands and legs restrained, a muzzle tight across his mouth. NO! Tears welled up in his eyes as Raph struggled against the chains, feeling the air around him grow colder. Raph let out a muffled scream, shaking his head back and forth as the cold seeped into his skin. Let me go!_

" _Struggling is useless." Raph turned and his eyes widened in horror. Shredder stood by the heavy metal door, glaring at Raph. "you are too weak to escape the chains, and no one can hear you." he smiled. "Except me." Raph whimpered slightly, moving as far away as possible from the man in metal. "This room was designed especially for you." Raph scowled, what did that mean? "Some reptiles shut down into hibernation, and I think it would be interesting to see how much cold you can handle." Raph narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. They didn't hibernate, he'd just get hypothermia and then… his eyes widened in horror. Shredder was going to slowly freeze him to death._

" _I see you figured out my plan," Shredder said in a low growl, that might have been a chuckle. "No one is here to hear you scream, Raphael." he stalked over, Raph's eyes widened and he flattened himself against the wall, but there wasn't anywhere to go when Shredder placed his blades against Raph's throat. Raph felt tears well up in his eyes and his breathing began to be unsteady. He just wanted to go home, why couldn't he go home? Shredder pulled his hand back, eyes narrowed. "Watching you die slowly would be entertaining, but I prefer there to be blood," Raph screamed as the man plunged his blades into Raph's stomach, twisting them painfully. Agony crawled through him and the muzzle rubbed Raph's face raw as he screamed again, feeling Shredder's blade break through the back of his shell. Dots danced before his eyes and Shredder yanked his gauntlet out. The floor was stained with red and blood flowed down Raphael's legs as he stumbled. He let out a pathetic whimpering noise and shook his head pleadingly, feeling the room grow colder still. Shredder slashed him across the face, and Raph cried out in pain as his scars reopened. He fell to his knees, vision fading._

" _And no one will be sorry you are dead," Shredder growled as Raphael felt himself slump onto the floor, the world dissolving into blackness. "Not even your beloved so-called family."_

"Raph? Raph!" the door flew open, but Raph kept his eyes clamped shut. He was curled in a ball on his bedroom floor, arms wrapped protectively around his stomach. Someone touched his arm and Raph screamed, slapping them away.

"Raphael!" Splinter knelt next to him, Raph cracked his tear-filled eye open a fraction to look at him. "Raphael, you are safe." Raph whimpered, closing them again.

"What happened?" Donnie's voice asked from above, worried.

"I was playing video games and heard him scream!" the first voice, Mikey's, explained worriedly. "He just kept screaming and crying, and when he finally let me open the door he was on the floor like this!"

"Raphael, it was not real." Splinter said softly.

"Hasn't he been using his medication?" Don fretted, "I thought I figured it out!"

"Raph, open your eyes." Leo's voice said, Raph felt his eyelids flutter and screamed, clamping them shut as tightly as he could.

"N-NO!" he sobbed.

"Don't order him, Leo!" Donnie snapped.

"Oh, shell." Leo sighed, "I'm sorry Raph." Raph didn't answer. Splinter gently brushed the tears from his face. Raph felt his terror fading as he realized it had been a hallucination, so why did his stomach still feel like it was being ripped apart? And he was cold, the shell? Was he sure his family wasn't the illusion? A thrill of terror hit him. Had they been an illusion this whole time? Raph opened his eyes, slowly letting his arms relax.

"Raphael, it is alright." Splinter promised, "do you think you can sit up?" Raph nodded, holding back a groan of pain as he forced himself into a sitting position. As soon as he did so, they all figured out why Raph's stomach was still hurting.

"Ew, gross!" Mikey gasped as Raph hunched over, vomiting onto the floor. "I mean, dude, sorry Raph." Raph clamped his eyes shut, shaking his head. Why was he sick? He'd just been getting better, and now he was sick.

"I believe your brother has a fever." Splinter said, placing a hand on Raph's head. "One may hope that this is his body clearing itself of the toxic chemicals he was injected with, and not the medicine Donatello has created." Raph leaned against his father's robed chest for support, closing his eyes again. A fever would explain why he was so shelling cold, like in that dream. Raph whimpered slightly, remembering what Shredder had said to him before he snapped out of it. No one would care if he was dead...was it true? Raph scowled, trying to keep the thought out of his head. But he knew it was, he was a burden. If he'd died in Shredder's hands, his family would have had a funeral and moved on. Instead, they were stuck taking care of him like this.

"Raph, do you think you can drink this?" someone pushed a glass of water into Raph's hands, he took a sip without opening his eyes and then grimaced. "Good, do you want to get up and get in bed? We could leave you to rest." Raph's eyes snapped open. He didn't want to be alone, not right after that dream.

"N-no…" he whispered, "not bed…"

"Good choice." Mikey observed, "because it smells like-" Splinter shot him a look and the orange-clad ninja fell silent. Raph sighed, he felt tired. A thrill of fear hit him now, was it the same kind of tired as the chemical gave him? If it was, he didn't want to fall asleep. Splinter pulled Raph gently to his feet, Raph leaned against him for support, even though he felt pathetic.

"Raphael will rest in the pit." he decided, "Michelangelo, will you get him some things from his bed, please?" Mikey nodded and Raph walked with Splinter out to the couch. Raphael suddenly felt a pang of shame. He was supposed to get better, not worse. He clamped his eyes shut and silently berated himself. He just wanted to be like he usually was, was that too much to ask? Apparently, it was.

"You'll be okay Raph." Raph nearly jumped out of his shell when Leo spoke from near his head. "Oh, sorry." Raph sighed, cracking his eyes open in time to see a pillow inches from his face, right before it collided. He grunted in surprise as it flopped back on top of his chest, hiding the long scar he had there. "Mikey!" Leo snapped, followed by a nervous giggle.

"Hehe, whoops." Mikey jumped into Raph's line of sight. "Sorry bro, uh, I got your pillow and blanket for you."

"Yeah because he had no clue," Don commented sarcastically from near the kitchen, Mikey smiled and pulled the pillow from Raph's chest, gently slipping it under his head. Raph sighed, rolling over to face the back of the couch as Mikey threw the blanket in the air, it landed perfectly over Raph's torso and legs.

"Impressive," Leo said, rolling his eyes.

"It's what I do," Michelangelo replied humbly. Raph sighed, closing his eyes. He was just so tired...they snapped back open and he blinked quickly, trying to keep himself awake.

"Raph, let yourself rest," Leo said softly, Raph grimaced and Leo cringed. "I mean, ignore that. Uh…" Raph smirked slightly. Of course, Leo was just so naturally bossy he didn't know how to suggest things instead of ordering them. "You need sleep, okay?" Raph sighed, nodding. "We'll be right here, I promise." That was a bit comforting because having one of the terrors while he was actually alone seemed to be worse than when he had his family. Raph nodded again and let his eyes slide shut, wishing he could wake up and be back to normal.

* * *

Donnie sat next to his brothers and followed their gazes to Raph, who was sleeping fitfully on the couch between them. The genius turtle grimaced in guilt. He should have figured out the problem, why wasn't it working anymore? Then Donatello had a terrifying thought. What if the chemicals injected weren't chemicals at all, but something similar to the brain serum? But instead of making Raph do things, it made him see his fears. That would be possible if they did something to part of his brain, the part in control of his fears. Donnie shivered. What if the past few days, Shredder just hadn't bothered to activate them? What if Raph had this problem forever?

"Don, what is it?" Don blinked, looking up at Leo's concerned face.

"Oh, nothing." he lied quickly, "just...I realized something that probably isn't good." now he had their full attention, even Splinter walked over from where he'd been pacing. Don sighed. "So, I think…" he took a deep breath. "I think that Shredder still has control over what Raph dreams and when he does." they all stared at him and he cringed. "My antidote obviously didn't work, and I'm afraid that it may be something else. Something more like the brain serum…" they all paused and looked at Raph as he whimpered in his sleep. "And that these past few days Shredder just didn't activate it." he looked down, biting his lip.

"This is most concerning." Splinter said, stroking his beard. Leo nodded in agreement.

"What can we do, Don?" he asked, Don looked up sadly.

"I don't know. Nothing of mine seems to work on the brain serum, why would it work on the dream thing?" Raph suddenly cried out, shoving himself away from the back of the couch as hard as possible, he tumbled to the floor and his brothers shot up, surprised. But once falling still, Raph seemed to sleep peacefully, and Donnie frowned. What could he be dreaming now?

"Hello?" a voice suddenly called, they looked up to see April walking into the lair, smiling slightly. "Hey, guys!" Raph let out a blood-curdling scream and everyone flinched, April gasped. "Raph?" she ran over as the turtle began to pull on his arms stiffly like they were stuck. "I thought he'd gotten better!"

"That's the problem," Donnie said sadly. "I think I was wrong."

"Is there anything we can do?" Leo asked as Splinter walked over and tried to grab Raph gently because he'd been starting to scratch his face again. Donnie thought for a moment, different ideas flying through his head, then he nodded slowly.

"There has to be some way Shredder's activating it," he said slowly. "And it has to have a limit to the distance. If we could get far enough away, it might not work anymore. But we'd have to be out of the city, for sure." Raph started to cry softly, falling limp against Splinter, still asleep.

"Well, where could five mutants go for vacation?" Mikey asked, frowning. "It's not like we can just book a hotel room, Donnie." they all glanced at each other, frowning when April piped up.

"That's actually why I came over," she said, they all looked at her. "I thought it would be good for Raph and you guys to get out of the city, so my dad said you could go to our old farmhouse. It's pretty far away from the city."

"A farmhouse?" Mikey asked, perking up. "That sounds awesome!" Raphael let out a faint whimper, his face screwed up like he was in extreme pain.

"Where is it?" Don asked.

"Upstate somewhere, miles away from anyone," April replied with a smile. "I grew up there." Donnie nodded, thinking it over.

"That could work...it should probably work." he decided, they all looked over at Splinter. He was watching his son sleep sadly, like it physically pained him to see Raph in that state.

"Sensei?" Leo asked gently, Don willed their father to agree. Splinter looked up, Don was shocked to see him crying.

"Yes, my sons." he said softly, "I believe that is what we must do."

* * *

 _ **Oh yeah, Lone Warrior2…. There's also a farmhouse later. My bad. I swear that's the last spoiler, geez. I'm not very good at this, am I? Anyway yeah. Pretty sure it's scientifically impossible for Baxter to hijack Raph's brain in the multiple ways he did… but they are also Mutant Turtles. So cut me some slack. Lol. anyway… Raph's asleep again and not doing so good. The guys are about to go on a road trip… what will happen next? You'll find out on Friday! Until then thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	10. Moved

_**IT'S FRIDAY! And I almost forgot to post this. Luckily work was slow and I got off early, so here I am! YAY! This chapter is pretty fluffy, but there's some suspense in there too. Also some more minor Raphril… I just can't help myself. DX Anyway…. Yeah.**_

 _ **Not sure if no one reviewed or if fanfiction ate them all. 0-0**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or the characters!**_

 _ **And now, enjoy!**_

* * *

"And here we are." Mr. O'Neil said, pulling to a stop in the dirt driveway. Leo looked out the window, nodding slightly. There was no evidence that anyone had been here for years. Then he glanced at the other side of the van, where Raph was sleeping with his head in Splinter's lap. He hadn't woken up since he fell asleep the morning before, and it worried everyone.

"Thank you, Mr. O'Neil." Splinter said gratefully, lifting Raph up bridal style. Leo pushed Mikey's phone away before he could take a picture.

"Raph's having it bad enough as it is," he said softly, Mikey frowned but nodded. They all piled out of Kirby's old 'party wagon' and Splinter started toward the house immediately. Kirby unlocked the front door and led them inside, but Leo turned and grabbed a few of their bags before following. He felt guilty about leaving the city, but they hadn't been patrolling after Raph got home anyway. His brothers were important, Leo watched Splinter disappear into the house. He really hoped this was going to work. The leader in blue sighed, starting toward the house.

"Please wake up." he said softly, "I don't care if you are never the same, I just want you to wake up." Leo walked into the house, looking around. It was nice, but a layer of dust covered everything. April was spreading an old blanket out over Raph, who lay on a worn-out sofa.

"The bedrooms are upstairs, Leonardo." Kirby said, "you can put the bags there if you like." Leo nodded.

"Thanks, Mr. O'Neil," he said gratefully, walking over to the old set of stairs and going up. The house was big, plenty big enough for five mutants and two humans. Yeah, the O'Neils had decided to stay as well. April had wanted to, and since her dad was just a bit paranoid, he was staying as well.

"Dude, I call this room!" Mikey yelled, Leo halted and peered into the room, smirking.

"You share with Donnie, remember?" he dropped a bag in the doorway. "And next time carry your own stuff." Mikey looked over sheepishly.

"Oh yeah, sorry Leo." he giggled, "this place is so cool! And we can go outside during the daytime!" Leo smiled.

"Don't get used to it little brother." he warned, "as soon as possible we're going home and protecting the city again." Mikey nodded but seemed occupied with jumping on his bed. Leo sighed, walking down the hall to a room with two more beds, where he and Raph would be staying. He dropped the last two bags there and hurried downstairs. Splinter was sitting in an armchair, Raph was still asleep, and April and her dad were in the kitchen.

"Hello, Leonardo." Splinter said wearily, Leo nodded to him and then walked over to Raph, leaning on the back of the couch worriedly. "Donatello is moving his...things...into the barn." Leo smiled slightly. Don had practically brought his whole Lab up here, after hearing that the O'Neil's had an empty barn.

"You should get some rest, Sensei," Leo said as April walked past him and put a cool cloth on Raph's head. She looked down at him worriedly, and the two mutants looked at her. "April?"

"...the dreams stopped," she said softly, Leo nodded. Since Raph had fallen asleep yesterday, April could feel the dreams he was having. She'd flinched whenever he screamed, but milliseconds before.

"I hope that's good." Leo sighed, looking back down at his brother, who seemed a bit more peaceful than before. April sighed, nodding. They all sat there in silence for a few minutes before Raph screamed and fell off the couch. Everyone jumped.

"Where the heck…?" Raph asked groggily, rubbing his eyes. " _Ow_ …"

"Raph!" Leo said, face lighting up. Mikey's footsteps thundered down the stairs and he burst in, but then grinned when he saw his brother was awake at last.

"Anyone wanna tell me why we're in Little House On the Prairie all the sudden?" Raph groaned, leaning back on the couch. Mikey snickered. "Unless this is a freakin' dream…"

"We're at my old farmhouse." April said, "where I grew up." Raph sighed, nodding.

"Raphael, I am glad you are awake." Splinter said in relief, kneeling next to his son. Raph nodded, but Leo noticed he averted his gaze from Splinters. Everyone else noticed too. "We had begun to worry about you." Raph nodded again, picking at his knee pad.

"Why don't you get back on the couch," April suggested, helping Raph up. Raph sat back down on the couch, staring at his knees.

"Raph…" Leo walked around it and sat next to him. "It's okay, I swear. Everything's fine." Raph glanced up at him, and Leo was horrified to see terror and guilt on Raphael's face. What had he dreamed? Instead of saying anything, Raph just leaned on the arm of the couch, eyes examining the room, but skimming quickly over his family members. Leo frowned in worry.

"Where's Don?" Raph finally asked, anxiety in his voice.

"He's-" as if on cue, Leo was interrupted by Donatello walking in the door, the look on his face he always wore when in deep thought. "Right here!" Don blinked, looking up, he grinned.

"Raph!" he gasped, practically flying over. "You're up! Thank goodness!" Raph didn't respond, just looking at his brother for a moment before resting his head back on his arm, staring at the wall blankly. Leo watched him with growing concern. Raph had been trapped in his own nightmares for over twenty-four hours, not counting him still recovering for the near month he'd spent in a real-life one.

"You guys aren't vegetarians, right?" Kirby called from the kitchen, apparently oblivious to what was happening. "I was planning on hamburgers tonight if I can fix up that old grill…" he walked in. "oh, sorry for the bad timing."

"We eat meat, yo!" Mikey said, "ever heard of pepperoni?" Kirby nodded, quickly retreating back into the kitchen. Leo looked back to his brother, who hadn't seemed phased by the sudden interruption.

"Raph, what's wrong?" April asked gently, watching him in worry. Leo glanced at her, knowing she felt something off with Raph's mind. Raph didn't answer. "Raph?" Leo heard panic enter her voice, "Raphael...answer me." Leo cringed, but Raph looked over at her with a frown. "What's wrong?"

"I…" Raph hesitated. "I'm glad you guys are okay." Leo blinked, that didn't seem like a problem, but April seemed to understand exactly what he meant and nodded sadly as Raph rested his head on his arm again. The room fell into a slightly awkward silence, which didn't seem to bother Raph at all. He stared at the wall blankly until jumping when Mikey gasped.

"Dude! Is that a tv?!" he jumped over the couch and pressed the front button in a slightly violent way, "sweet!" April laughed as Michelangelo also discovered a crate full of old VHS tapes. "Let's see what's on these!"

"Those are from when I was little." she said, "you can watch them though, they're pretty okay," Leo smirked as Mikey cheered and started setting up the video player and television, Splinter sighed, shaking his head. Raph watched Mikey work with slight interest, and Leo felt growing unease about his younger brother. He was supposed to get better after coming back up here, not get...whatever this was. Raph looked over and saw Leo watching him, he looked panicked for a minute before ducking his head, hugging himself. April glanced at Leo worriedly, and Leo returned it.

"Raph, how are you feeling?" Donnie asked, walking over to feel Raph's forehead, Raph flinched at the touch, and then his face turned impassive. "You don't seem to have a fever anymore, that's good."

"Feel fine...Don." Raph murmured softly as Mikey cheered, the television flickered on. "Thanks." now Leo was very worried. It was obvious Raph didn't feel fine, and he'd never acted thankful for his brothers' concern. He hated feeling weak, what was going on? Mikey turned on the tape he'd put in and walked over to the couch, gently snuggling up against Raph. Leo was relieved to see a small smile take the place of Raphael's slack expression, even though it was only for a moment.

* * *

This show was completely idiotic. Raph watched the kids show from some ancient time that Mikey house found, though he didn't show his annoyance. Mikey was snuggled up next to him, Raph could feel him breathing and his heartbeat. Raph wanted it to stay that way for as long as possible. The turtle glanced around the room again, proving to himself that his family was safe. Leo, Donnie, Mikey, Splinter, all safe. April, safe. Her dad even, safe, though in the kitchen. That's all Raph wanted to be sure of, that they were safe. He wanted to be able to see them at all times, to make sure they were still there.

"Dude! This is my new favorite show!" Mikey gasped, Raph smiled for a split second at the younger turtle's exuberance. Mikey hugged Raph's arm to his chest, and Raph felt slight comfort. Leo chuckled from where he stood, even Splinter seemed amused. Raphael cringed, looking down at the floor. Splinter...he'd be so ashamed of Raph if he saw- Raph closed his eyes. It had been a dream, that's it! None of it was real, it couldn't be real. Splinter would know that he wouldn't care like that. But what if it was real and this was the dream? Raph focused his attention on Mikey's heartbeat and breathing again. No, they were real. He knew they were real this time. In fact, the details of the dream seemed blurrier now, even though the worst parts were still crystal clear.

"Raph?" Raph's eyes shot open and he looked at Mikey, who was watching him with concern. "You okay?" Raph forced a tight-lipped smile and nodded, patting Mikey on the head comfortingly with his free hand. Mikey held his gaze for a moment before looking back at where some barbarian guy was swinging his pet around by its tail. Raph suddenly grimaced in pain, a hand flying up to the side of his neck. He rubbed it gently, wincing in pain. Everyone looked at him and Raph blinked, realizing he'd made a small sound of distress.

"Raphael, what is wrong?" Splinter asked, Raph found himself looking directly into his father's eyes and gasped, seeing them only narrowed in anger and loathing. "Raphael?" Raph closed his eyes and opened them again, and Splinter looked at him in concern.

"I...I'm fine, Sensei." he lied, putting his hand back down. "Sorry."

"Are the injection sites hurting?" Donnie asked, ignoring Raph's claim, Raph looked away, then nodded. Don frowned. "Hmm, that may be a good thing, but maybe not. Keep me updated, Raph." Raphael nodded again but knew he wouldn't, not really. He could barely force himself to talk to his brothers after what happened, or what he dreamed had happened. A shiver ran down Raph's shell and Mikey cuddled closer to him, almost like he could feel Raph's anguish, but Raph knew that wasn't possible. The show ended, and just as Raph feared, Mikey went to put in a new one. He didn't seem to notice that Raph watched him walk across the room sadly, already missing the feeling of his brother there. Raph knew that Mikey was okay, they were all okay, so why did he still worry?

 _Because it might come true_ Raph couldn't help but think this, then shook his head slightly. It would never be true, never! He would never hurt any of his family members again for the rest of his life.

"Raph…" April looked over at him and Raph felt slightly self-conscious, he looked at his hands. "Whatever it was you dreamed, or saw, remember that it wasn't real." Raph nodded, glad that she was still an amateur with her powers and ninja training. If not, she might be able to figure out more that Raph was thinking, instead of just his feelings. Mikey sat back down and cuddled next to Raph once more, Raph felt himself relax slightly. Mikey did too and looked at him worriedly. The next show started and Mikey's attention was once again snagged, but he still made sure to hug Raph's arm to his chest, Raphael smiled a little longer this time. They were okay, it had just been a dream. It would always just be a dream. Raph would make sure of it.

* * *

"Where are you going?!" Leo asked in surprise, Raph cringed and turned slightly, Leo stood in the doorway to the kitchen. They'd all been eating, but Raph had been in the living room. He'd wanted to go outside and clear his head, but of course, Leo noticed. Raph pursed his lips and a made a 'so-so' motion with his hands before nodding at the door. Leo narrowed his eyes. "You can't just go off on your own, Raph. you still haven't recovered." Raph rolled his eyes. He knew that geez. "Wait 'till we've finished dinner."

"I'm done." April said, walking up behind Leo, "I can show Raph around the property if you want, don't worry." she added to Leo's worried expression. "The scariest thing up here are squirrels." Raph glanced at Leo, who sighed.

"Okay, fine." he shrugged, turning back to the kitchen. April walked over to Raph and he opened the door, stepping out onto the large porch. The sight of the woods nearly took his breath away. Raph was sure the only thing prettier than this was the sight of the stars that hung above it.

"It's beautiful, right?" April asked, walking to the railing next to him. Raph smiled. Okay, maybe not the only thing prettier. Then he frowned. Where did that thought come from? Donnie liked April, Raph was just her big brother protective type. At least he was pretty sure how that had been, seeing as he'd barely remembered her. April glanced at him. "What's the matter?"

"Huh? Nothing." Raph found his tongue freed from the near silence he'd forced himself into all day, then looked over to the trees. "Just thinking." April nodded, then started down the porch steps.

"Come on, I said I'd show you around," she said, Raph jumped over the railing and joined her on the grass. Raphael blinked at its texture, he couldn't remember ever feeling grass before. He was sure he must have, but it was still strange. April laughed. "That's the barn." She gestured to a large dark shape near the house. "Don's making it into a temporary lab." Raph nodded. That sounded just like Donnie, heh, he couldn't go anywhere without his research. "I used to be afraid that monsters would come out of the woods and attack me," April said as they walked closer to the edge of the yard. Raph frowned, slowing slightly. April laughed. "I was like, five."

"Oh yeah." Raph rubbed the back of his neck, nodding slightly. April looked at the grass as they continued walking, and the duo fell into a comfortable silence. After walking nearly all the way around the edge of the trees, she looked back over at him.

"Raph...you were asleep for a long time," she said softly. "Over a day. We were worried… what did you dream?" Raph didn't answer right away, even though he felt like he could, and April wouldn't be horrified. Then he sighed, halting and folding his arms. "Raph…"

"I...a lot." he shook his head in annoyance. "A lot of things, April. None of them were good." he looked up at her now. "Why?" April shrugged.

"just...I could feel them," she replied. "I knew when they stopped, when they got worse, that sort of thing." Raph grimaced, feeling guilty.

"I'm sorry." He apologized, April shook her head.

"It's fine, Raph. your family was grateful for it, they knew when you were about to freak out and stuff…" she trailed off and Raph grimaced, he'd forgotten that he reacted to the dreams in the real world as well.

"It was mostly just…" he shrugged and looked away. "I...April, in my dream I...I killed them." April's eyes widened in horror and Raph took a step back, anxious. "And...and Splinter...he hated me. And then I killed him too…" he whispered, looking down and covering his eyes. "And then you hated me….and I killed you. I...I couldn't live with myself if I…" he was surprised by April suddenly throwing her arms around him tightly. "A-April?"

"Raph, it was just a dream." she said softly, "I promise. I know you would never hurt any of us, I know you wouldn't." Raph felt something inside him relax and he hugged her back awkwardly. "And thank you for telling me, Raph...it must have been hard." he nodded slightly. "You'll get better, Raph. I know you will." She stepped back and smiled at him, Raph felt himself smile back. "But we should get back before they think you passed out again."

"Oh yeah…" Raphael had nearly forgotten the others in the farmhouse, and he nodded. "Yeah." they walked back without speaking a word, and neither really cared. Raph smiled up at the stars before they walked inside. For the first time in days, he felt sudden, random, and not to mention slightly giddy hope.

* * *

 _ **Oof, Raph was not getting much rest while he was asleep, was he? Shame…. *evil laughter* Things get better for Raph in the next chapter… until they get worse. That's for Tuesday though… hehehehe. Thanks for reading and Pretty Please Review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	11. Improved

_**Holy heck guys I am so sorry? I was working on this IN the fanfiction website on Tuesday... and my brain told me I posted it. THen I went to post today since it's Friday and everything... and it was just sitting here waiting for me. 0-0 I'm so so so sorry, School started this week and I guess my brain is kinda dying. I really can't believe I did that... gosh, guys, I'm really sorry. Hope you can forgive me...**_

 _ **To my guest reviewer: YAY! I'm so glad I cheered you up? Like I'm so happy you told me that's what I LIVE for! (hard to believe, I'm sure)**_

 _ **To Shamandy: oh, it gets terrible. *evil grin* no spoils from me, though…. *cough* karai *cough* ;)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT or it's characters!**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: I got your review and was really ConFUSED why you thought it was late. well, apparently my brain was just dying... I'm really sorry. Hope you can enjoy this late chapter!**_

 ** _To YouCanDoThis: omg... wow? Thanks? That like.. made my heart happy?! I nearly forgot to post today until I got my phone and saw your review btw. Good thing too, because I kinda failed this week lol._**

 ** _From Brian: Heyy, that's really cool! Thanks so much for words of encouragement. It's okay that you haven't been reviewing, I'm just really happy you like my stories! I'm actually working toward publishing some before I graduate next May... so I'll be posting updates on that if it goes anywhere. And to be perfectly honest, You really aren't a bad writer at all. You seem to be very smart, and I envy that you're good at math. I'm... not. heh. Thanks for the first review ever, it's literally making me grin so big right now! 3_**

 ** _sorry for not updating on Tuesday guys, I'm a mess right now._**

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!_**

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

"I've been working on the railroad, all the livelong day!" Mikey sang from down the hall, Raph sighed and pulled a pillow over his ears. "I've been working on the railroad just to pass the time away-ay!"

"Does he not understand the word vacation?" Leo complained from the other bed, Raph groaned in agreement.

"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, someone's in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow Someone's in the kitchen with Dinaaaaaaaaah," the singing grew louder and Raph sighed as hrealizeded what was about to happen. "STRUMMIN' ON THE OLD BANJO!" Their door flew open and Mikey slid in on his knees, holding out the last vowel in 'banjo' for a straight sixty seconds.

"Mikey…" Leo sighed, Raph heard him sit up. "It's six in the morning!"

"As Splinter always says," Mikey said, Raph sighed. "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man wealthy stealthy and hungry!"

"For one thing," Raph grumbled rolling over and chucking a pillow at his brother. "You got it wrong." Mikey ducked and stuck out his tongue. "For another thing," Raphael grabbed another pillow. "We aren't men!" he threw it and hit Mikey's right in the face, then smirked. "Payback."

"Aw, seriously?" Mikey whined, "that was like a week ago!" Raph groaned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Plus, April made pancakes!" now he had both his brothers attention. Mikey laughed, "last one down is double mutated!" He ran out and Leo scrambled after him. Raph yawned, considering falling back asleep. But now that Mikey pointed it out, he could smell bacon.

"Geez." Raph groaned, rubbing his face and getting slowly to his feet. "Six AM, who makes pancakes at six AM?" He grabbed his mask and tied it on over his eyes, still half asleep. If he didn't hurry, Mikey would eat everything. Raph walked out of the room to the top of the stairs, glancing around to acknowledge the improvements they'd made in cleaning since they arrived. On top of that, he finally seemed to be recovering, and Raph was glad. He still knew he'd never be the same, especially not after that last near-coma he'd been in. He shivered slightly, starting down the stairs. But things had been getting better.

"Hey, Raph," Donnie said from the table, where he had a cup of coffee in one hand and an old book in the other. Kirby had unearthed a whole box of old textbooks from the basement, and Don had been reading one constantly ever since.

"Hey." Raph sighed, slumping into a chair next to Leo, who was having an arm wrestling competition with Mikey.

"You slept well?" Splinter asked from his seat, sipping his tea. Raph shrugged nonchalantly. 'Well' would be an overstatement, seeing as his brain still gave him horror-fun-time reruns during the night. But they weren't as vivid, and not painful. Whatever Donnie had figured out really worked. Raph frowned.

"Don, how _did_ you fix it anyway?" he asked curiously, everyone seemed to freeze momentarily, until Mikey slammed Leo's hand onto the table and cheered.

"AW YEAH! I am the Champion!" Don lowered his book and coffee mug, looking like he was trying to figure out how to tell someone they had two days left to live. Raph frowned worriedly.

"Raph...those weren't chemicals…" he began slowly, "that Shredder injected into you." Raph immediately scowled, muscles tensing. "They were a kind of brain serum like the other one, one that made you hallucinate your nightmares." Raph remained silent. "He could activate it whenever he wanted, which is why you felt suddenly tired and had the nightmares. But by coming out here, we brought you out of range from him." Don continued carefully, "it was really April's idea, since this is their farmhouse."

"So," Raph said, trying to keep his voice tightly controlled. "If we go home…" everyone exchanged glances.

"Yeah…" Leo rubbed his neck. "We still aren't sure." Raph sighed, burying his face in his hands. Great, perfect. He liked the country okay, but he was a city guy!

"There are a few possibilities," Don said, "one, the burning you felt at the injection sites could have been whatever was in the serum dying from being cut off from Shredder's lair. If that was the case, we could go home no problem." Raph nodded, still not looking up. "Two, we could go home and you'd be okay until Shredder activated them again; if he hadn't already. That's the third. We could arrive in range and you'd instantly pass out into your own nightmare world."

"I vote number one," Mikey said. Everyone snorted a bit.

"Breakfast is ready!" April said, putting dishes on the table. "Help yourselves, I made a lot. After living in the lair, I know how much you can eat." Raph smirked as Mikey piled five pancakes and four strips of bacon on his plate before covering them in what looked like hot sauce, chocolate syrup, and pizza sauce. Raph made a face and started nibbling on some bacon.

"So, how do we figure out which one it is?" Raph finally asked. Donnie frowned.

"The easy way? We go back home." he said. "The hard way? We transport only the tech connected to the serums up here."

"More like the impossible way." Leo snorted. Raph shrugged.

"It's gotta be portable." he pointed out, they all looked at him.

"What makes you say that?" Donnie asked, tilting his head. "This is highly advanced technology, and while Baxter Stockman is a _near_ genius, I doubt he could pull that off." Raph glanced around at them, did they know?

"Well, I was in Japan for at least two weeks." he reasoned, "I guess that's why you didn't find me very fast. At some point, we ended up back in New York, but I have no clue when. I do know that they used that freaky chem- uh, serums, the entire time."

"We weren't sure you knew you were in Japan," Don admitted. "We weren't positive that's where you were, actually." Raph's face darkened.

"Shredder wanted to let me know you wouldn't come." he growled, getting up roughly, "so he rubbed it in my face that I was across the world. And so yeah, it's portable. I'm going for a walk." he turned and walked out of the house, trying to clear his thoughts. He'd just barely began to recover clear memories from and before the captivity, and that was one of them. It had to be portable, it had to be. Raph wasn't really paying attention to where he walked, but soon found himself at the end of the long driveway. The road through the mountains was deserted, so he stood there for a moment. He could leave. Raph realized with a jolt. He could go home and figure out which possibility was true. He could leave and go home. The thought had never appealed to Raph more in his life, but he still stood where he was.

"Raphael…" Raph turned to see April hurrying toward him. "What are you doing?" Raph shrugged, looking back at the silent mountain road. April halted next to him, then looked over at him. "You want to go home," she said softly, Raph nodded, not looking at her.

"I was home for a week, April." he said softly, "before that? I was in a living shell for a month. I want to go home." he sighed. "I sound like some kid, don't I?"

"No." April said softly, stepping a bit closer to him. "You don't." Raph glanced at her and then back out at the trees.

"I miss the city," he said softly. "I miss fighting crime. Shell, I just got my memories sorted out. What if I go back and this starts all over?" April didn't reply, so he kept talking. "I mean, I could go into a real coma this time. If I left, just walked away right now, I wouldn't even have my brothers with me. Shell, I'd probably die alone."

"Raph."

"But I want to, April." Raph continued. "I want to so badly, it's like New York's a giant Raph magnet. I want to see the lair, I want to play our video games, I want to smash in some purple dragons teeth…" he trailed off.

"Raph."

"But I also don't," he said suddenly, looking at her. April looked surprised. "I also want to stay up here forever. I want to go out in the sun, I want to feel the grass and climb trees and have fire nights in the living room…" he paused. "I want to have talks alone with you, in the dark under the stars."

"Raphael…" April looked at him curiously. "You don't have to decide right now you know." Raph shrugged.

"April, I can only have one." he said softly. "I could stop being a ninja, I could stay up here until I die. Or I could go back to the city, where I grew up. I could skateboard through the sewers with my brothers and go on late night patrols, I could protect innocent citizens from thugs and lowlifes…" he shook his head. "But only one of those lives might kill me."

"Raph, listen to yourself." April chastised, Raph looked at her in surprise. "For one thing, these are decisions that can change in an instant! And for another, you aren't the only person that matters." Raph's eyes widened.

"I didn't mean-" he frowned. "Huh?"

"You say you want to stay here, so you can be with me…" April shook her head. "When school starts again I'm going to New York even if you choose to stay. I want to stay near you too, I…" she fell silent and they stood there for a moment. Raph looked at the ground, feeling embarrassed.

"You...you're right April. I'm sorry." he sighed, "I wasn't thinking. I just…" he sighed. "You understand me better than they do." April looked surprised.

"Who?"

"Them." Raph gestured back to the house. "All of them. I mean, I heard about the whole soulmate thing with Mike, and they're my brothers, but…" he shrugged. "You helped me when they couldn't." he felt his face heating up. "I mean...shell…" Raph suddenly got flustered, he backed away. _Great job, you embarrassed yourself in front of her!_ He thought angrily at himself.

"Raph…" April watched him with wide eyes.

"I gotta go." Raph mumbled, then turned and sprinted into the trees.

"Raph!" Raphael ignored her call and ran through the trees, angry at himself. He just had to go and act like an idiot, didn't he? Ugh, Raph didn't know if he could show his face around April ever again. He was surprised she hadn't laughed at him, and if Donnie found out how he felt? That would be bad. The turtle in red jumped over a fallen log and then gasped as the ground gave way beneath him. He cried out in sudden pain as he tumbled down a rocky slope, his head hit a large one at the bottom of the ravine and the world vanished into nothing.

* * *

"What do you mean he's gone?" Leo shot to his feet, eyes wide. April looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"We were talking, and he got, I dunno, embarrassed…" she hesitated, "because he mixed up his words a bit and, he just took off into the trees! I wasn't fast enough to catch up to him so I thought I should tell you guys!"

"You did the right thing April." Don was quick to promise, April bit her lip. "Come on guys, we need to find him."

"I hope he's okay…" Mikey said, then suddenly gasped, grabbing his head. Leo turned and helped him steady himself, eyes wide.

"Mikey, what is it?" he asked, Mikey shook his head.

"I...I dunno...I think he hit his head on something…" he grimaced, "ow."

"Oh great, just what we need." Donnie groaned, "a head injury. Come on guys, let's go. Kirby, Splinter, you should stay here in case he comes back." Splinter inclined his head, and Kirby who was asleep on the couch didn't answer.

"Let's go!" Leo said, they all ran out of the house. "Uh, April you come with me. Show me where Raph ran to. Mikey and Donnie, go search for him…" he glanced at April and she gestured to the side of the yard Raph would probably be on. "That way." Don and Mikey nodded, immediately running toward the trees. Leo and April started down the driveway. Leo glanced at her, he had an inkling why Raph got embarrassed. He couldn't say he hadn't noticed the closeness between April and his younger brother this past week, and he couldn't say he disapproved. The only problem would be Don and possibly Kirby. That's why Don was with Mikey.

"I'm so sorry Leo!" April said, sounding closer to tears than ever. "I shouldn't have started talking to him, I was just worried and he was-"

"It's fine." Leo said as April led them off the driveway near the road. "But just so you know, I think what you two have is great." April blinked.

"What we...have?" she asked. Leo rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Raph hardly ever gets embarrassed." he said, "sure he does more often now, but I can tell he likes you. You like him too, right?" April didn't answer. Leo shrugged.

"Was it that obvious?" she finally asked as they walked around a fallen tree. Leo smirked.

"It is if you know your brothers inside and out." he said, "I know Raph better than anyone, plus I'm observant. Don't worry, I don't think Don noticed." he paused, "but if it goes anywhere, you'll want to clear it up quickly." April nodded.

"Raph!" she called, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Where are you!" no answer.

"Raphael!" Leo yelled, peering through the trees. "Raph come on!" then he paused, looking around. "April, his trail stopped." April stopped as well, and realised the same thing. The path of crushed and broken undergrowth Raph had made when he ran had vanished. Leo turned around and started back toward the driveway. "Raph!" he called. No answer.

"Raphael!" April tried. Leo shook his head as they rounded the fallen log again. Then noticed his brother's trail appeared again.

"There it is, so where does it lead?" he knelt, eyeing the faint path. There were deer and squirrels in these woods, making it hard to tell. But then he saw the telltale footprint that wasn't an animal. Leo frowned, following the path slowly. Raph hadn't gone around the log, he's jumped over it like a hooligan, of course. But there was no trail on the other side.

"What the heck?" April looked up at the trees. "Did he sprout wings and fly?" Leo had scowled and picked up a long fallen branch. "What are you doing?"

"He didn't fly." Leo said, stabbing the ground on the other side of the log, it crumbled and a dried weed fell from on top of a hole. It descended into the darkness below and Leo felt a horrible foreboding. "He fell." April's eyes widened as Leo took out his phone and shone a light, they could see the bottom. They could see a faint drop of blood on one of the large rocks, and they could see Raph's discarded mask. But they didn't see Raphael.

* * *

 _ **I love a good cliffhanger. BUT YOU DON'T GET ANY MORE UNTIL FRIDAY HAHAHAHAHA! *ahem* sorry about that… what do you think? Any ideas as to where Raph might be…? Ehehehehe. I'm sure you'll love the next chapter...my favorite plot twist is coming up! I promise not to space out on Tuesday LOL. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday (I promise really I do),**_

 _ **-Jelly 3**_


	12. Vanished

_**Hey guys… really sorry this is late. I was literally in bed about to go to sleep when I… remembered… to post. Lol, thanks for the friendly nudge CocoKissesTMNT! I truly did mean to post after school, but I got distracted because I was going on a… date. Which was really fun! And then I received mail I've been waiting for… and yeah. My brain is dead, I really need to get an alarm for posting days! I'll do that once this chapter is out. Lol. This chapter… oh this chapter is fun. I love this chapter. Really glad I didn't forget to post this chapter… mwehehehehehe,**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: yep! I forgot how much I loved these twists….**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and also I think fanfiction is eating reviews again…**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

"Are you kidding me?" Leo asked in shock, "Again?" he dialed his brothers' number, Don picked up instantly.

"You find him?" he asked. Leo sighed. "Leo that isn't a good sound talk to me what happened," Don said without breathing.

"Don, Raph's in trouble. The thing is, I have no idea where he is." Leo sighed. "Track my phone, we need your help before we can find him." Donnie sighed miserably.

"Okay, I hope he's not hurt…" he mumbled before hanging up. Leo shone his light into the hole further, the still wet blood on the rock glinted. He grimaced.

"Sorry Don…" he said to himself. "I think he's hurt." April was sitting on the log, a hand over her eyes. Leo knelt in front of her. "April, hey." he lifted her chin. "We'll find him, I swear. After all, the most dangerous things out here are squirrels right?" April smiled a bit, then frowned.

"That I knew of when I was five," she mumbled, Leo chuckled.

"Well, we'll find him," he said, sitting cross-legged. "We just need to wait for the others." She nodded and they fell into a silence, Leo felt his uneasiness grow the longer they sat waiting, and then he heard his brothers crashing through the bushes and stood.

"Leo!" Donnie gasped, out of breath. "Talk to me!" Leo gestured them over and shone his light into the hole. Mikey let out a small whimpering sound.

"Let's go," Leo said, pulling out his grappling hook. He attached it firmly to a tree near the hole and lowered himself into it. "Walk down the wall, April you next, then Don, then Mikey. Keep an eye out for anything important."

"Well, he definitely fell," Donnie muttered, eyeing the disturbed dirt on the steep sides of the hole. Leo nodded and slowly walked into the darkness, jumping the last bit to the rocky floor of the cave, which seemed more like an underground ravine at this point. He knelt and picked up Raph's mask, one of the tails and a spot near where Raph's temple should be had blood on it as well, Leo bit his lip and shone his light around.

"Raph?" he called, it echoed in the darkness as his brothers and April joined him. Leo sighed and tucked the mask into his belt. "Let's go, we need to find him." he glanced around. "Mikey and Don, you take that way. Me and April will take this way." he gestured to each side of the cave, everyone nodded. They started out and Leo shone his light around. Looking for anything that might show his brother had been there. Then he stopped.

"Leo?" April asked, looking around. Her eyes fell at where he was shining the light, a partial three-fingered handprint of blood. "Well, we know he went this way now."

"Raph!" Leo yelled, the echo was the only response and he groaned, starting forward again, then paused and looked at the handprint. It was on a rock on the floor, not the wall. And it was positioned in a strange way, had Raph been grabbing the rock for some reason? He shook his head and continued on, watching for anything else. They didn't see any more blood or footprints, and then Leo stopped and stared in dismay.

"Seriously?" April asked, shoulders slumping. "You have to be kidding me. You're kidding me right?" Leo shook his head grimly, shining the light around. It was a dead end.

"Raph where are you?" he growled in annoyance, turning back the way they came. He was surprised to see Donnie and Mikey walking toward them. "Don?"

"We got a dead end," Mikey said moodily, then stopped. "You too?! Come on man!"

"There has to be a turn off we missed." Donnie mumbled, "maybe if we walk the other way we'll see it." Leo sighed, shining the light around again.

"Worth a shot." he sighed, the group of four started back down the tunnel only to find themselves right back where they started by the log. "Augh!" Leo growled, grabbing his head. "He has to be down here! We must have missed something!"

"Like the second hole?" Mikey asked numbly, everyone spun to where he was standing. Just into the tunnel, they'd just exited, near the handprint. Leo walked over, shining his light. Mikey was right, there was a second hole. It was like a third tunnel, a cave. There was a gigantic rock rolled in front of it. Leo narrowed his eyes. Raph wouldn't have done that, so who, or what, had?

"Oh geez." Donnie sighed.

"Help me," Leo said, handing April his phone and going to the stone, pushing on it. Mikey and Don joined him. It was heavy, but they finally moved it enough to provide access to the third tunnel.

"Raph!" Mikey called into it, there was still no reply. But Leo spotted a streak of blood on the floor like he'd been dragged. A sick feeling entered the leader in blue's stomach and he started forward.

"Come on, hurry," he said as they walked after him. They could make out marks in the dirt where Raphael had been dragged, some drops of blood as well. What had taken him, and why?

"Oh, Raph…" April said softly, Leo looked at her sympathetically. The tunnel turned and twisted, it was longer than the other one.

"Raphael!" Donnie called, it echoed back and he sighed. "Come on Raph, where are you?"

* * *

It was two things. Dark and cold. That was Raphael's least favorite combination. Then again, the turtle wasn't exactly sure where he'd woken up. It was about four feet by four feet by five feet, and he'd felt all the stone walls for cracks and doors, finding none. So it was dark and cold, and he had a bandage on his head instead of a mask.

"Raphael!" someone yelled, Raph heard it echo and he jumped, hitting his head on the ceiling. He gasped, holding his head gingerly. "Raph, where are you?" that sounded like Donnie, and he was close. Raph moved toward the noise, opening his mouth to speak, and then he noticed something he hated even more than the cold and dark. A metal, not leather, contraption strapped around his face. Locked with a key. Tears sprang to his eyes and Raph tried not to panic as he rammed his fist into the stone wall. There was no reply. Raph let out a muffled sob and slid down the wall, hugging his legs. They were so close, what was going on? His head hurt, he was cold, and he had no clue what was going on. The last thing Raph remembered was running into the forest, which probably wasn't a smart move on his part. Another sob shook his shoulders and Raph buried his muzzled face in his arms, clamping his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears. The attempt was unsuccessful.

"Raph!" a voice called farther away. "Come on dude!" Raph choked out another sob, an ugly one. The stupid muzzle made it quiet, which was undoubtedly the purpose.

"Oh don't worry." a voice said, Raph's head jerked up. "They'll find you, Raphael. When I want them to." Raph heard a stone shift and someone dropped down into the small space from above. He could barely see, but their voice told him exactly who it was. Karai. Raph whimpered, eyes wide. "What's the matter?" Karai crouched in front of him. "Is Raphie having a bad day?" she grabbed Raph's face and held it firmly. "We noticed that you went out of connection for the special dreams we gave you," she said sweetly, Raph's eyes widened in horror. "And while I could have just brought the tech here, my father didn't really care. He thinks you're a lost cause you see…" she paused. "But I proved him wrong." Raph struggled out of her grip, kneeing her hard in the stomach. Karai grunted in pain, then held a blade to his throat. Raph's eyes widened. "He thinks the mind control serum failed. Why don't we test it out?" Raph let out a muffled cry as Karai pulled the blade away and shoved his head against the wall, making it ache again. "Stand up. Now." no, Raph wasn't going to. Stand up. He couldn't. Stand up! Raph stood up, tears rolling down his face. Karai smirked.

"I thought so," she said, smiling. "You have to do everything I say, don't you?" Raph glared at her, Karai smiled, grabbing hold of the back of the muzzle and forcing him to spin before slamming him up against the wall. "I could tell you to...kill your brothers, and you'd have to do it." Raph whimpered, trying to struggle out of her grasp. "I could tell you to never speak again no matter what anyone else tells you, and you'd have to do it." she continued, pressing a blade to the back of his knee. "I could tell you to kill that girl, slowly so you'd watch her die…" Raph let out a sob. "And you'd have to do it." then she released him, Raph nearly collapsed out of fear, but he turned to face her with narrowed eyes. "But I won't." Raph scowled. Karai smiled. "Oh, that doesn't mean we can't have some fun first, does it?" she smirked, shaking her head. "Raphael, you are very interesting. Intriguing, I might add. But your father killed my mother, so here's what you get to do." Raph's eyes widened in horror at Karai's smirk. She couldn't, he wouldn't! He shook his head desperately and Karai laughed.

"I didn't even tell you what you had to do yet," she laughed, "and you won't be able to stop yourself. I'm sure of that, now." she paused, thinking. "When you speak to Splinter…" Raph flattened himself against the wall, tears running down his face and neck. "You either tell him you hate him, or you never speak to him again." No, Raph clamped his eyes shut. He could never do that! Tell him you hate him or never speak to him again. "This way you have a choice, you see." Karai smirked, "but it will make Splinter so miserable either way, and it will be all your doing." Raph opened his eyes and glared at her, Karai smirked. "What? I gave you the order. You have to follow it." you have to follow it. Raphael's shoulders slumped in misery, and he didn't notice Karai bringing the hilt of her tanto up until it hit him in his other temple, and the darkness became darker as he slumped against the wall.

* * *

"Raph!" Mikey yelled at the top of his lungs, "RAPH!" no response, it was another dead end. Leo growled, spinning to punch the wall.

"Where is he!" he growled, "I can't do this again! We can't just lose him again!" Mikey gasped as a shot of pain wracked through his head again, he grabbed it.

"Leo…" he whispered, everyone looked at him. "Raph got hurt again…" everyone paled.

"Someone must have him," Donnie whispered in terror. "They must be hurting him…"

"RAPHAEL!" April screamed, whirling around to the tunnel they'd just exited. "Raphael!" she all but sobbed as she started running through, the brothers all looked at each other worriedly and ran after her.

"April be careful!" Donnie called, jumping over a large rock. April seemed to either not hear him or ignore him, Mikey ran faster.

"RAPH!" he yelled, also beginning to panic.

"Guys stop freaking out!" Leo begged, "we have to search for him logically!"

"I Am LOGICAL!" April yelled, whirling. "We've searched all the tunnels! What are we supposed to do, Leo!?" she brushed tears away angrily. "Raph's missing and he's hurt and, and, and we need to get him back!" Mikey glanced from April to Don, who had a strange expression on his face. The freckle-faced ninja sighed, this really wasn't the time for a love triangle but hey, it had to happen sometime.

"RAPH!" Mikey yelled, running past his family. "Hey RAPH! Uh, MARCO!"

"Polo." a voice suddenly called back, Mikey froze and the voices behind him paused. It wasn't Raph's voice, who was it?

"M-marco…?" Mikey asked, voice shaking.

"Polo?" the voice asked back, Mikey spun toward a wall, it had come from there for sure! He ran over to it.

"Marco!" he said urgently, knowing he was probably just going insane.

"Polo!" the voice replied, then laughed. Mikey heard footsteps and shivered as they faded into nothing.

"Marco…" he said again. No reply. Tears welled up in Mikey's eyes as he examined the rock, and then his eyes widened. Whoever made this made it really well, you could hardly tell which rock was fake! Mikey reached up and knocked gently, hearing the echo.

"Mikey, how did you do that?" Donnie rushed over, knocking on different places quickly. "There's a whole room in there!"

"Look out!" Leo said. Mikey turned to see him hefting a large stone.

"Leo what are you-"

"Look out!" Leo snarled, they stepped away and Mikey's eyes widened.

"Leo what if you hit-" Leo ignored him and slammed the rock into the fake stone wall. It cracked. Leo hit it again, then backed up and threw the rock as hard as possible, ignoring April's scream

"LEO!" she yelled as the wall crumbled to pieces, showering the room and whatever was in it. Leo ignored her. Mikey ran to the room and shone his light in, tears filled his eyes.

"Oh no…" he whispered. "Raph…"

* * *

"Sensei!" Leo called as they rushed into the farmhouse. "First aid kit! Quick!" Donnie and he lay Raphael down on the couch, and Don immediately knelt to start picking the lock on the muzzle.

"My sons, what happened?" Splinter gasped upon seeing Raph's battered form.

"We don't know!" Mikey sobbed, "he was missing and then we found his mask but he wasn't there and there was blood and-" he dissolved into tears on April's shoulder. The girl had been crying the entire way home, and Don had a small feeling he knew why. He shook his head, focusing on picking the lock. It had been obvious the past week, really. He had no idea why he didn't notice sooner. Donnie stuck out his tongue in concentration.

"He's hurt bad Master Splinter!" Mikey choked out, Don glanced up to see Splinter cleaning and bandaging the wounds on Raph's arms. There was a click and the back of the muzzle popped open, Don smiled and gently lifted it from Raph's face.

"Okay, now his head." Donnie murmured to himself, glancing at the hasty bandage on one side. Whoever had Raphael had patched him up from his fall, and then hurt him more. He had wounds from blades, as well as rocks.

"I shouldn't have smashed the wall." Leo mourned, sitting in the chair heavily. "I could have-"

"Forget it, Leo." Donnie said sharply, "focus on now. We need to make sure Raph is okay, pity party later." Leo sighed, staring at the ceiling. Donnie wrapped a clean bandage around Raph's head, covering both wounds on his temples. As he did so, Raphael's eyes flickered open.

"Raph!" Don gasped, Raph blinked at him in confusion.

"Raphael, my son!" Splinter said in relief from where he bandaged Raph's arms. Raph visibly flinched at his voice, and he still didn't talk.

"Ohmygoshyou'reokaywhatwereyouthinking!" April said without breathing, kneeling next to Raph. Donnie smirked and scooted aside, Raph turned his head sadly away, and the smirk melted off. What had happened?

"Raphie?" Mikey asked, wiping tears away. "Raph please talk to us! Please! We were so worried about you, you just disappeared and then I weirded us all out by playing Marco polo but then someone answered and-" everyone gasped as Raph rolled onto his side, Donnie's eyes nearly popped out of his head. Someone had written a note on Raph's shell, in what looked like blood. Raph didn't seem to know this, and he frowned when they all fell silent, then he turned to look and his eyes widened. Japanese symbols, Donatello wasn't sure what they all meant, but he knew one was his father's name. Splinter's eyes widened in horror.

"What…" April reached forward and gently touched Raph's shoulder, he looked away again. "What does it mean?"

"The Shredder found us here." Splinter said softly, staring at Raph's back. "He did this to Raphael."

* * *

 _ **Dun dun dun…. Karai really isn't a nice person in this… of course, she thinks Splinter killed her mother. Hmmmm *wink* anyways… That's that for ya! Some Raphril fluffies… and Donnie seems to notice. What will happen next, will Raph ever be able to talk to Splinter again? You'll know on Friday because I'm about to go set an alarm! Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday, (i promise it won't be as late)**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	13. Compromised

_**Hey guys! I didn't forget this time! (I put an alarm on my phone…) This might be late, but I'm doing it at like four in the afternoon I'm just in a place with no wifi…. So hopefully I find signal soon? Lol. As you can imagine, this chapter will be very emotional… Thanks to everyone's favorite kunoichi that is. Lol.**_

 _ **To CocoKissesTMNT: It's totally fine you didn't review! You saved my skin on Tuesday, so thanks for that. 3**_

 _ **To YouCanDoThis: Thanks! Yeah… thanks again CocoKisses! As for the dilemma with talking to Splinter…. You'll see. :) hehehe yeah,... I do try to bed nice to people. I really hate conflict (hard to believe, I'm sure). I just love people, and you guys are always so great! 3**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

"There were no tracking devices!" Donnie protested, Raph clamped his eyes shut. "I scanned him for trackers when we found him!" Tell him you hate him or never speak to him again. Raph shook his head, trying to block out the thoughts. He couldn't, he had to break this stupid curse! You have to follow it.

"Raph?" Leo asked anxiously, Raph's eyes flew open and he found everyone looking at him, and Raph found his gaze automatically drawn to Splinter. His hands shook. He couldn't just not speak to his father again, it would be impossible. But he couldn't say what she told him to say. Tell him you hate him. No! You have to follow it. He wouldn't! Tell him you hate him!

"Raphael, my son." Splinter lay a hand on Raph's bruised cheek. "What is the matter? Who did this to you?" Tell him! Raph felt his mouth open, he tried to close it but his own body wouldn't obey. No, please! Raph choked back a sob as he stared up at his father. How could he do this? How could he be so weak? "Raphael?" Tell HIM!

"I…" Raph's voice trembled, then hardened. "I hate you." The room fell deadly silent and Raph couldn't look away from his father's shocked face. Tell him! I already told him! TELL HIM!

"Raphael…?"

"I hate you!" it forced it's way past Raph's lips and he started to sob, shaking his head even as he spoke again. "I hate you, Splinter!"

"Raphael!" Leo shot to his feet. Raph pulled a couch pillow over his face and sobbed, nearly screamed into it. How could he do this? He couldn't do this! Tell him. No. Tell him! No! You have to follow it! I already did!

"Raphael…" Splinter sounded confused, not to mention heartbroken.

"I hate you!" Raph screamed, smashing the pillow against his face in an attempt to muffle it. Why? Did Karai know this would happen?

"Raph what are you saying?" April asked, voice soft and horrified. Raph sobbed harder, clenching the pillow tight in his fists. Tell him.

"I...I hate you…" Raph whimpered softly, refusing to look at his father. He wanted to apologize, but when he tried it just came out wrong. Completely wrong. "F-father...I….I hate you!" Raph shook his head desperately, and then Mikey's eyes widened.

"Raph, Raph stop!" he suddenly said, jumping between him and Splinter. "Talk to me instead!"

"M-Mikey…" Raph choked out, "I don't want to...I don't want to say it to him…" everyone else's eyes widened in realization. "Sh-sh-she's making me!"

"You're talking to Mikey," Mikey said firmly. "Not Splinter. Okay? Can you tell us what happened?" Raph hiccuped, he rubbed the tears off his face.

"I...I...she…" he whimpered, reaching up to his face and feeling the marks from the muzzle. "I fell…" Mikey nodded patiently and Raph choked back more sobs. "Woke up...in the dark stone room." he began to calm down as he realized Mikey was right, it only happened when he spoke to Splinter. "I w-was muzzled… I was alone. I was scared." he took another deep breath. "I heard you calling for me, but I couldn't tell you I was there...and then she came…" Raph swallowed. "Karai…" his voice cracked. "Sh-she said they knew when I was out of range for the serum, she tracked me somehow...caught me…" he shook his head miserably. "Sh- they know...I have to do it… she said she could make me do bad things, very very bad things." he whispered. "And...then she told me wh-what to do...and she hit my head again…" he buried his face in his arms miserably. "And I woke up here."

"I'm sorry Raph," April said softly, rubbing Raph's shell comfortingly. "I'm so sorry." Raph just shook his head miserably. He could never talk to his father again, he could never say anything but hurtful words to Splinter again, ever!

"Raph…" Donnie said slowly, Raph looked up at him. "What exactly, the exact words, what did Karai tell you to do?" Raph clamped his eyes shut, remembering.

"Wh-when you speak to Splinter…" Raph grimaced. "T-tell him you hate him or y-you c-can never...speak to him again…" tears began to stream down his face. "I thought it meant once!" he sobbed, "but it's every time!" Splinter's ears drooped back as he watched this, and that made Raph feel even worse. Donnie smiled.

"Raph, I want you to listen to me very carefully," Don said, he took April's place and lifted his chin gently. Raph looked at him with eyes bloodshot from crying. "I want you to disregard everything Karai said to you today. Ignore it. And never obey Karai again." Raph blinked, shocked. Disregard it. Ignore it. Never obey her again. The words repeated in Raph's head and he wanted it to work more than he'd ever wanted anything. Donnie smiled and sat back. Raph looked at Splinter, but couldn't meet his eyes. How could he? He'd told his father he hated him…. Raph banished the thought. Ignore it. Ignore it!

"F-father…" he whispered softly, then threw himself into Splinter's arms. "I'm sorry!" he sobbed, "I didn't mean it, I...I love you, Master Splinter!" Splinter hugged him tightly, Raph felt his entire body shake with sobs. Never obey Karai again. A small smile appeared on his face as Splinter continued to embrace him.

"Raphael, it was not your fault," he says softly. "You are forgiven, though you do not need it." it was like a weight lifted from Raph's chest. He was forgiven. Not just for today, but for everything. He let out a shaky laugh, hugging Splinter tighter.

"Love you, Father," he said softly, Splinter ran a hand over Raph's shell.

"I love you as well, Raphael," he replied, Raph felt himself relax in relief and he finally sat back, wiping tears from his eyes. "And I am sorry this is happening to you." Raph nodded but still couldn't help the twinge of guilt that remained. He should be strong enough to fight it.

"There's still a problem," Leo said, everyone looked at him and he folded his arms. "Shredder knows where we are now." Raph looked down, feeling another twinge of guilt. His family could be in danger now, and it would be his fault.

"We will find a place to go." Splinter said, "do not worry Raphael." Raph blinked, looking up. "Shredder will not harm you again."

* * *

Raph paused, listening to the silent house. It was silent, that was a good sign. He took a deep breath and pulled the oversized jacket he'd found closer around him, opening the door. He walked out and into the grass, telling himself he wouldn't turn back, but then he did. He looked up at the house, eyes watching each window carefully, pausing on the one he knew April was sleeping behind. A pang of guilt gripped Raph and he hesitated, but then he shook his head. He couldn't stay here, not anymore. His family was in danger because of him, Raph turned and started down the driveway quickly. Where he'd go, Raph had no clue, but he had to leave.

"Goodbye," he whispered, taking one last look at the house before plunging into the trees.

* * *

April woke with a start, something was wrong. She didn't know what, she just knew something was wrong. The red-haired teen scrambled out of bed and went into the hallway, turning on the light. The house was silent, it was unnerving how quiet it was in the country this late at night. Why did she have such a bad feeling? April sighed and walked down the stairs, looking around. The lower level of the house was deserted...her eyes widened in realization. Raph wasn't sleeping on the couch.

"Raph?" April hurried down the stairs, running through the different rooms. "Raphael!" there was no reply, he was just gone. "Leo!" April ran back up the stairs and to one of the doors. She flung it open, "Leo!" Leonardo yelped in shock and fell off his bed, Splinter remained asleep.

"April?" Leo groaned, getting to his feet and glancing at the window. "It's like, super early."

"Raph's gone!" She said, spreading her hands. "I woke up and he's gone!"

"What?" Leo's eyes widened and he ran to the door. April right behind him. The leader in blue ran down the hall, flinging doors open. Mikey and Donnie sat up blearily as they passed.

"What are you doing?" Donnie groaned, stumbling out into the hall.

"Raph's gone!" April replied as Leo ran down the stairs.

"RAPHAEL!" He screamed, "where are you!"

"Leonardo." April jumped when Splinter spoke, when had he come downstairs? "Your brother has gone of his own free will, at least that is how it would appear." everyone turned to look at him. Splinter was standing near the couch, a slightly wrinkled paper in hand.

"What? Where?" Leo demanded, walking over and taking the paper from his father. His eyes widened in horror.

"What is it!" April gasped when she saw the short note in Raph's handwriting. "No…"

"He was forced to, he had to have been!" Leo insisted, Splinter stroked his beard thoughtfully. "We have to find him!" April covered her mouth again and leaned against the wall, trying not to cry. They'd just gotten Raph back, they couldn't lose him again.

"April." she opened her eyes to see Donnie in front of her, face set in determination. "We'll find him, I promise."

* * *

Raphael grimaced, leaning against a wall for support. After getting to the main road, it had been easy to hitch a ride on the back of a truck. It had been carrying a huge cement pipe, perfect for a turtle to hide in. except now that he was in New York, Raphael was exhausted.

"Not the best day…" He grumbled to himself, sliding down the wall to sit on the sewer floor. "Geez… what am I doing?"

"Languishing." an all too familiar voice replied. Raph's head snapped up and he glared at the person standing in front of him.

"What do you want, Karai?" he snarled, grimacing as pain shot through him. Karai smirked, squatting down in front of him.

"Raphael, I thought you were at least smarter than this," she said tauntingly, drawing out her tanto blade. "Returning to the city alone, under the influence of a brain serum? Don't tell me your father threw you out. It seems like just the dishonorable thing he'd do." Raph narrowed his eyes as she held the tanto under his chin.

"I left of my own free will!" he snarled, "and my father is not dishonorable!" Karai scowled.

"He killed my mother, remember? You've been hoodwinked, Raphael. Raised and trained by a treacherous snake." Raph narrowed his eyes, jaw hardening. Karai smirked.

"Do yourself a favor, Raphael," she said, holding the blade out to him to take. "And end your pathetic life." End your life. Raph stared at the blade she offered him, then scowled.

"No." End it! Ignore her. He growled, snatching the blade from her hand. "I won't!" Raph jumped up and whirled, slamming Karai against a wall and holding the blade to her neck. "Nice try Karai." Karai stared at him.

"How…?" she gasped, "only Baxter Stockman can reverse the effects! Only he has the antidote!"

"I don't have to follow your orders anymore." Raph snarled, feeling rage well up inside him. "You made me do something I can never forget, but it's been forgiven by my father already." he grimaced. "But not by me."

"How did you reverse it?" Karai asked, still shocked.

"Shut up!" Raph growled, "shut up Karai!" Karai narrowed her eyes. "Tell me what I want to know or I won't hesitate to kill you!" that was probably a lie, Raph didn't want to kill her.

"What do you want to know?" Karai finally asked.

"How did you track me?" Raph asked, tightening his hold on Karai. "How did you find me upstate and how did you find me here?"

"Finding you here was an accident." Karai confessed, "we only found you upstate because that's where the connection died." Raph scowled. "What, you think I'd lie when I had a knife to my throat?"

"Yes." Raph shrugged.

"You'd usually be right, but this time I'm telling the truth," she said, Raph narrowed his eyes, staring right into hers. Then they widened and he relaxed his grip a bit.

"You're telling the truth," he said in surprise. Then scowled. "So if you weren't looking for me, why are you here? Enjoy strolling through the sewers?" Karai frowned.

"I never said I wasn't looking for you, Raphael," she confessed. "I was looking for your lair." Raph narrowed his eyes.

"Why?"

"Because…" Karai hesitated, "I found out that my father lied to me." Raph blinked in surprise, "I needed to find out the truth."

"What are you talking about?" Raph asked, grabbing her shoulder tightly again. Karai pulled something out of her pocket with her free arm, holding up a picture Raph recognized. His eyes widened and he released her, stepping back.

"Where did you get that?" he snarled, snatching it from her hands. It was a taped together picture of Splinter as a human and Tang Shen. "why do you have this?"

"My entire life, I'd only seen my mother's half," Karai replied. Raph's head shot up and he stared at her. Her mother? But that would mean...no way. "But then I found this in my father's office, that's not him." Raph inspected the paper, shaking his head.

"Karai, I don't know what the heck you think you're doing, but that's not true. That's Tang Shen and Splinter, a long time ago."

"What?" Karai's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?" Raph stared from the picture to Karai, mind whirling.

"Karai...Splinter didn't kill your mother…" he said numbly. "Shredder did! And Splinter thought he killed you too, but…."

"What are you trying to say?" Karai asked, "that Shredder's been turning me against my _own_ father in an act of twisted revenge? Do you really think he'd-" she fell silent and Raph looked back down at the picture, shaking his head. "Holy Crap, you're right." Karai fell back against the wall and slid down it, shaking her head. "Splinter's my father?"

"Looks like it." Raph snorted, sitting down next to her, gripping the picture tightly. "And your real name's Miwa." Karai snorted. "What?"

"This is so messed up," Karai said, burying her face in her hands.

"Well, I'm not crazy about you, just so you know," Raph growled, twirling her tanto in his fingers. "You have a strange enjoyment in seeing people suffer." Karai looked up at him.

"Then why didn't you kill me? I did so much to you!"

"That's just it Princess Foot." Raph snorted, "I don't like seeing people suffer. And thanks to your little trick upstate, I've had enough of that." Karai shook her head, leaning forward. "Not to mention that I'm not a killer. We don't kill, Karai. That's just Shredder."

"I can't believe this," Karai mumbled into her knees. "Raphael, I...what can I say?"

"You can't." Raph snapped. "It's done, the damage is done. Alright? So here's what we'll do. You can talk to Splinter, you can do whatever girly repentance stuff you want. But stay the shell away from me and my brothers." Karai hugged her knees, nodding slightly. "Good." Raph sighed, covering his eyes. He was going to regret this. "But they're still upstate, probably. So until then, You can stay at the lair. But if you make one wrong move I'm tying you to a chair, sticking you in a closet, and keeping you there until I feel like letting you out. Which will probably never happen, got it?" Karai nodded.

"Got it."

* * *

 _ **MWAHAHAHAHA! PLOT FREAKING TWIST! Love it! Like I said… emotional. Again, sorry if I end up posting this really late…. Wifi is a fickle thing. 0-0 Next chapter has some Donnie Genius and MORE ANGST! Love me some angst. Anyway… yeah. Thank you for watching and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	14. Realized

_**Omg, I just realized how close to the end we are…. 0-0. My last fic was so long compared to this, LOL. That's so weird…. There are only four chapters after this! Two weeks! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm sorry guys! Anyway…. You all ready for some angst?**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and I'm fairly certain that there's a goblin eating the fanfiction reviews because I thought I got one but I can't find it for the life of me. Sorry. :/**_

 _ **And now, The chapter!**_

* * *

"Leo, I just got an alert that someone is in the lair," Donatello said from his laptop across the van. Leo looked over in surprise.

"Raph?" Donnie held up a finger, biting his lip, then nodded. Leo frowned. "If he was gonna run away then why did he go home?"

"Maybe he was homesick," Mikey suggested, Leo leaned forward.

"Kirby, how far away from home are we?" he asked. They'd been heading to the lair to gear up, to go find Raphael. The man glanced back at him with a frown.

"About a half hour, Leonardo. How's April?" Leo glanced to where the teen girl was sitting with Splinter, he had his arm around her and she was half asleep. Donatello suddenly gasped, everyone looked at him.

"Donatello, what is the matter?" Splinter asked.

"I was checking more of the DNA sensors that I installed in the lair for security," Don began, typing furiously. "And Raph isn't in the lair alone!" Leo's eyes widened.

"Who is it?" he demanded, Don looked up with wide eyes.

"It's Karai!" he choked out. "She found Raph, and he showed her the lair!"

"What!" Leo jumped to his feet.

"My loophole must not have worked!" Donnie stammered, "Sensei what do we do?" Splinter was stroking his beard thoughtfully.

"We do nothing." he finally said. They all stared at him. "Not yet." as if on cue, Don's T-Phone started ringing. He picked it up and his face brightened.

"It's the Cheese-Phone!" he said, Leo grabbed it from him and answered, ignoring his protests.

"Karai, is this you?" he snarled.

"Geez, chill out Leo," Raph growled. "How the heck do you even know she's here?"

"DNA sensors," Leo said dismissively. "And now that we're on the topic, what the heck is she doing there!"

"Currently?" Raph paused. "Sleeping. Can I talk to Splinter please?" Leo scowled.

"Raph, tell me the truth," he commanded. "Are you doing this of your own free will?"

"Yes," Raph said in annoyance. "Please Leo, it's important!" Leo frowned.

"Can you tell me?" he pressed, putting a hand on his belt. Raph groaned loudly.

"Fine, but you won't believe me." he snarled. "Karai's actually Miwa and she just found out that Shredder turned her against her own father all her life, can I talk to Sensei now?" Leo blinked.

"She's what?" a gentle hand grabbed Leo's and took the phone from him. Splinter held it to his ear and listened to what Raph said, nodding every few minutes.

"I see." he finally said. "Raphael, you will stay at the lair until we return. We are near. Understood?" there was a faint murmur, and Splinter hung up. Leo stared at him.

"Did you hear what Raph said!" Leo gasped, "is he right? Is Karai actually-"

"My daughter?" Splinter looked at him and everyone else stared. "Yes, Raphael is correct. It seems that Saki's plan was flawed and that he has now turned Karai against himself." Leo stared at him in shock. Karai was his daughter?

"Karai's our sister?" Mikey asked in shock. "Whoa, dude. That's intense."

"Wh- bu- what?" Leo spread his hands, standing up. "We've been fighting her this whole time and she's been your daughter?" Splinter looked at him and Leo realized his father wasn't happy about that fact either.

"I only discovered Saki's trick a few months ago," he said coolly. "When you four succeeded in saving earth from a Kraang invasion. I was fighting Shredder, trying to assist April. I did not succeed, but I learned this."

"Oh." Leo sat back down, chagrined. "I'm sorry sensei."

"It is quite alright, Leonardo." Splinter said, nodding. "But I am curious as to how Raphael and Miwa discovered this, we will see, my son." he stroked his beard. "We will see."

* * *

Raph leaned against the wall, balancing a sai on his finger as he kept one eye on the couch, where Karai was sleeping. His family was almost back, he hadn't planned on seeing them so soon. Or ever again. The turtle sighed, slipping his sai back in his belt. He still felt guilty for what he'd done under the influence of that brain serum, even though Splinter had forgiven him. That's why he ran. Because he couldn't face the guilt. But Raph's feet had carried him back home, and then this crap had happened. His head turned as footsteps ran toward the lair, Leo came first with April right behind. Raph barely had time to utter a greeting before she'd flung her arms around his neck.

"You're such an idiot!" she chastised, Raph snorted.

"What were you thinking, Raphael?" Leo agreed, April stepped back and put her hands on her hips. Raph waved their questions away as Splinter walked toward Karai, Raph jumped down into the pit to join him. Karai's eyes opened and she stared at the old rat for a minute, then got to her feet and bowed. Raph raised his eye ridge as he crossed his arms.

"Miwa." Splinter said softly. "Is what my son tells me true?" Karai looked up with remorse in her eyes. Raph knew she felt bad, but he still basically hated her.

"Yes, Splinter." she nodded. "I didn't know, but I do now." she took a deep breath, holding out the picture. "This belongs to you."

"Thank you…" Splinter accepted the picture gently. "You are forgiven, my daughter. You did not know the truth, you were doing what you thought was right." Raph stared at him. Karai shook her head.

"No, I did unforgivable things Splinter." she said softly, "I just wanted to tell you I was sorry." she slowly turned and, as everyone stared at her, walked to the exit.

"Where are you going, Miwa?" Splinter's ears flattened sadly. Karai looked back at them, then at Raph, who was watching with narrowed eyes.

"I can't stay here, Splinter," She replied. "After what I did to Raphael? No, I'm sorry." Raph felt a twinge of guilt at the heartbroken look on his father's face but pushed it down. He didn't want Karai here...Raph looked at the floor. April, who was standing next to him, watched him sadly. Raph knew what he should do, he should say that it's fine. That Karai can stay. But Raph really didn't want to do that. He didn't want to be around her any more than he had to be.

"I see." Splinter said softly, Raph was shocked to feel a hostile gaze on his shell and turned to see Leo glaring at him. Panic rushed into his mind and Raph stepped back, eyes wide. The message in Leo's eyes was clear, and Raph swallowed thickly. He stared at Leo for a moment more before looking at the ground.

"Karai, stay," he said softly, pushing away from April. "I was the one that didn't want you here, so I'll go." he turned and sprinted before anyone could reply. He felt their shock but was too busy trying to escape from Leo's angry glare.

"Raphael!" Leo shouted after him, but it was faint. Raph didn't think he'd ever run this fast before. A small sob crept up his throat as he skidded through the tunnels, he couldn't stand being looked at like that, not in real life. Raph ran harder, feeling tears well up in his eyes as he did so. He had to get away, so he would stop feeling his brothers hate.

* * *

Leo stared in dismay after Raph as he ran out of the lair. Then Mikey shoved him sideways, glaring angrily.

"What the heck Leo!" he yelled, Leo stared at him. "You just totally gave Raph a panic attack! Did you forget the part where he hallucinated the times we hated him so much we killed him? Geez, Louise man! Why the heck were you glaring at him like that anyway?"

"I…" Leo blinked, had he been glaring? "I…"

"Leonardo, what is the meaning of this?" Splinter asked, sternly. Leo shook his head.

"I didn't mean to glare at him!" Leo said, beginning to feel guilty. "I was just looking at him, and then I realized he must have told Karai she had to leave, and I guess that made me accidentally glare. It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally glare at someone like that?" Donnie demanded. "Leo, Raph just ran away from us and then worked up the courage to stay in this place with Karai until we got here! Do you even remember what she did?" he paused, "no offense." he added quickly, Karai hugged herself and looked down.

"You're right." she murmured. "Leonardo, your brother has a right to want me to leave your family alone." Leo's shoulders fell, he closed his eyes guiltily.

"I'm sorry." he said softly, "I didn't try to make Raph run away, I was just… I'm sorry." Splinter sighed, rubbing his temples.

"We all make mistakes, my son," he said softly. "Do not worry, but we must get Raphael to return." he sighed, "does anyone have an idea?"

"I'll go after him," April said, turning to the exit. Leo watched her hurry out regretfully, then turned to Splinter.

"I really messed up, Father," he said, rubbing his arm. "How can I make this right?"

"You find your brother and apologize, first." Splinter said, smiling slightly. He turned to look at Mikey and Don. "go after him, my sons. I must speak to Miwa." the three of them nodded and they ran out into the sewers, Mikey and Don still seemed mad at Leo. Heck, even Leo was mad at Leo. They ran in the direction Raph had gone.

"Raph!" Mikey called, then shot a glare toward Leo. "geez, I have the weirdest feeling of deja vu right now! I wonder why that would be!"

"I'm sorry!" Leo snapped, "I didn't mean to make him freak out!"

"You failed," Donatello informed him as they ran around a bend. Leo rolled his eyes.

"Raphael!" he called, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Raph, I'm sorry! Come back!"

"Well you don't have to shout." the three of them skidded to a halt and looked around. Leo scowled. "I'm right here dude." Leo blinked, then looked up. Raph was reclined across a few parallel pipes, watching them from above.

"Raph!"

"What do you want?" Raph asked moodily, picking at the rusted metal.

"Get down before you hurt yourself!" Don said shrilly. "Might I remind you that you're still injured?" Raph jumped down, landing heavily and splashing them all with sewage.

"Ew!" Mikey stuck out his tongue. "Dude! Not cool!" Raph folded his arms.

"Sorry," he said, Leo wasn't sure if he was being honest or not. "What are you doing here Leo, don't you wanna paint your nails with your new sister?" he snarled, Leo took a step back in surprise. "It takes a lot to make me angry these days, congratulations!" Raph threw his hands in the air. "And I'm not even angry at you!" Leo blinked.

"Who are you angry at, then?" Mikey asked. Raph closed his eyes, shaking his head.

"It doesn't matter Mikey," he muttered. "Just leave me be, alright? I told you I'd never be the same, and you just don't seem to get it. So I'll stay away from you."

"Raph, I didn't mean to-"

"You already said that!" Raph interrupted, poking Leo in the forehead with each word. "And that's why I'm so shelling angry at myself! I thought you were gonna attack me for being weak, okay? Are you happy now? Will you let me live my miserable life in peace?" Leo blinked in shock.

"Raph, I-"

"I'd suggest you stay silent for a moment." Donatello butted in, taking a step toward Raph. "Raphael, you know we would never hurt you. Those memories aren't real. Leo didn't mean to scare you, we want you to come back. You have to, you're injured."

"Enough with the 'you're injured' excuse!" Raph snapped, folding his arms again. "I know I'm injured, Donatello! Why do you think I stopped and hung out like a freaking monkey when I nearly passed out? I'm not an idiot, guys!"

"Raph please." Mikey said softly, "we just want you home." Raph fell silent and there were sixty seconds that the only sound was water dripping.

"Do you want me, or do you want Raphael?" Raph finally asked. "Because a few weeks ago, I couldn't even be sure that was my name." Leo felt more guilty than ever. He'd sparked this, this outburst from Raph. it was his fault Raph suddenly had doubts.

"I want you!" Mikey burst out, tackling Raph in a hug. "I don't care if you changed, but I missed you while you were gone! And yeah, I miss the old you. But only because you miss it too!" Leo nodded, stepping forward.

"I'm sorry Raph," he repeated once more. "I didn't realize...I just should have been a better brother. Splinter's worried about you Raph, not to mention mad at me. And April's wandering around looking for you somewhere." Raphael softened a bit at the mention of their red-headed friend.

"Speaking of which, we should call her." Don pulled out his phone, dialed, and then did something he'd never done willingly before. He handed his own phone to Raph. Leo blinked, then nearly laughed at how surprised he was. Don took his possessions seriously, and he never let anyone use his phone unless they did it without asking. Raph smiled slightly, just enough that Leo could tell, and then pressed the call button.

* * *

April answered her phone, hugging herself worriedly.

"You find him?" she asked, then gasped as she heard a familiar laugh on the other end. "Raphael! Where are you!"

"I'm fine April." he paused. "Fine being a lie, but the guys found me and Don said we should call you, so we called you." April nodded, turning to head back toward the lair.

"Good, are you okay?" she asked softly. "We were really mad at Leo you know." Raph sighed.

"Leo's mad at himself too, which is a load of bull," he muttered. "How close are you to the lair April? Do you want to meet there or on the way?"

"I'm pretty close," April said as she turned a corner. "I'll head back, but if I run across you guys on the way I wouldn't mind." Raph snorted and April heard footsteps on the other end, they must have started walking.

"Alright, I better give Don his phone back before he has a panic attack." Raph mumbled, April heard an indignant 'hey!' from the other end and laughed.

"Good idea." she agreed. "See you soon Raph."

"See you soon." Raph hung up and April tucked her phone into her pocket, hurrying toward the lair. At least they'd found Raph quickly, but she had a feeling this problem was far from solved.

* * *

 _ **Oh, April you right. You right. Hehehe. So yeah, I promised angst… lol. What did you guys think of this chapter? Any thoughts are welcome! Also, for those who may watch Sanders Sides, I'll be posting a one-shot in that fandom later today! :D Thank you for reading and please please review! It makes my heart happy when you do!**_

 _ **Until next time,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	15. Planned

_**Hey Guys! It's Friday and I'm a big ball of stress and depression but it's all good haha! I get to go in to work an hour early, but that means I might get home early. Hope so, but tomorrow is Saturday so it doesn't really matter except I have mental illness so yeah. Haha. This chappie… has some interesting stuff. Some fluffy Raphril… some angst… some battle plans… that kinda thing. Mwahahaha.**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: I love seeing familiar usernames and knowing you love this story! I know, it surprised me too. My last one was just SO LONG that I forgot how long a regular fic took lol. Lots of things will happen…. Lots and lots. HEHE.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, enjoy!**_

* * *

"There's an antidote," Raph said as they neared the lair, everyone paused and he folded his arms, frowning.

"To what?" Mikey scratched his head, Donnie rolled his eyes.

"To the brain serum, Mikey." Raph sighed patiently. "Karai said that Baxter Stockman had an antidote." they stood for a moment, Raph looking at the turnstiles warily.

"You don't have to go near her."

"Oh, I wasn't going to." Raph growled, "I'm no fan of hers, but she knows things about the Shredder's lair that…" he trailed off, biting his lip. "There's an antidote."

"Raph!" Raph turned and April flung her arms around his neck. "I'm sorry." she said, then stood back. "But what the heck! You just took off? I would have gone with you, or-"

"April." Leo said, walking toward the lair. "We have more important things to worry about, apparently there's an antidote to the brain serum. Come on." April blinked, looking between the four of them. Then she smiled and linked her arm through Raph's.

"Okay, I'll stay with you Raph," she said softly, Raph nodded, lips pursed as he slowly walked toward the entrance.

"Karai!" Leo called as he hurried in, "Sensei!" after a moment, Raph had climbed through the turnstiles by then, the two walked out of the dojo. "Karai, Raph says you told him about an antidote for the serum!" Leo said, eyes wide. "Is it true?" Karai nodded.

"Yes. After I returned to him and told him the serum had worked, he planned to lure you there with the antidote...Baxter Stockman completed it and tested it yesterday." She replied, Raph narrowed his eyes, she seemed to hug herself tighter.

"Who did he test it on?" he growled, Karai glanced at him.

"Me."

"WHAT!" Leo yelled, then shook his head. "You can't be serious!" Karai shrugged. Raph sighed, folding his arms tightly.

"Cool it, fearless," he said softly. "The fact is that the antidote worked, and that means it'll work on me." he turned to Karai, who avoided his eyes. "I'm no fan of yours and I still don't want you anywhere close enough to touch me," he warned, then took a deep breath. "But we need you to help us get that antidote." Karai looked at him in surprise, then nodded. Splinter stroked his beard at the interaction, but Raph ignored that.

"Of course." she agreed.

"Hold up." Mikey walked forward. "How do we know Karai isn't under the brain serum right now? Or lying to us? She just said that they were going to use the antidote to lure us into a trap, she could be winning our trust by telling us their plan!"

"That...makes sense," Donnie said regretfully. "Sensei, how can we know for sure?" Raph scowled, then glanced at April. She looked at him and then nodded.

"I can." She said, stepping toward Karai and Splinter. "I've been working with Raph, and I can distinguish his own mind with the part that's been corrupted. I'll be able to tell if Karai is under its control...and if she's lying to us." She stood in front of Karai, who lifted her chin with defiance. After a moment, April stepped back, shaking her head. "No. Karai's telling the truth, which is surprising." Raph sighed, closing his eyes. Of course, she was, of _course_. So now he basically had to let her help them. After all she'd done.

"So now we need to figure out how we're going to get that antidote," Donnie said, Raph opened his eyes again, clenched his fists, then nodded.

"I'll tell you how," Leo said, folding his arms. "We go to the Shredder's lair, we break into the shredder's lair, and we get the antidote to Raph. the end."

"That's a stupid plan," Raph muttered, rolling his eyes. Leo sighed.

"Why don't you come up with a better one then? Since your mind is in such good condition!" Raph narrowed his eyes, and Leo stared back. Then Raph threw his hands in the air and turned away, walking toward his bedroom.

"Raph…!" April hurried after him, gently touching his shoulder. Raph turned at looked at her, not saying anything. How could he explain any of this? April has said it minutes ago, his mind was… corrupted. Leo was right, Raph still had trouble telling dream from reality, how was he supposed to help plan an attack on their worst enemy? "Oh, Raph…" April sighed, hand sliding down to entwine with his, she leaned her forehead on his shoulder.

"I'll be okay," Raph said softly, looking at the floor. "I just hope the antidote works when we get it."

* * *

"Here's what I know," Karai said, once they were safely in the lab. They, meaning Leo, Donnie, her and Splinter. Leo watched her, arms folded and a frown on his face. "Baxter Stockman has the antidote in his lab, in the middle of Shredder's lair."

"So first we need a way to get in." Donnie murmured, staring intently at a blueprint he'd found online. "And that's just getting past the guards on the outside, there's bound to be… unless…"

"Unless what?" Leo asked.

"We could split into two groups," Donnie said, looking up at him. "One group strikes first, draws Shredder's attention and the foot ninja. Then a second group sneaks in under the radar and gets the antidote. Once the antidote is secured with one of them, they go and back up the other group until we can make a retreat. Give Raph the antidote, and then focus on how to take down the shredder, because we won't be able to while he's still forced to do things." Leo nodded slowly, thinking.

"Alright." he finally said. "Two groups. I think Mikey, Karai, and Sensei could be the diversion, then Donnie and I go in and get the antidote for Raph. he stays here with April, just in case." Donnie frowned.

"He's not going to like that." he pointed out, biting his lip. Leo shrugged.

"Unless we pull this off, it doesn't matter if he likes it or not," he stated, Donnie stared at him and he frowned. "What?"

"Do you hear yourself right now?" Donnie exploded, throwing his hands in the air. Leo scowled. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't _want_ to get Raph the antidote!"

"What?!" Leo's eyes widened. "Donnie, of course, I do! Who do you think I am?"

"Well, you need to take him into account!" Donnie snapped, "just because he doesn't have a choice doesn't mean Raph likes it!"

"I know that!" Leo snarled, "Donnie, I know! I'm just saying, that this is the safest course of action. We don't want to risk not getting him the antidote, so we have to get him to stay here. Without the antidote, it's going to be kinda easy." Donnie snorted in disgust, turning away.

"I can't believe this," he growled.

"My sons." Splinter said, stepping between them. "Again, I say to you that arguing will not help anyone. Especially not Raphael. I think Donatello's plan may work, but there are also things that need to be decided. Raphael may accept that he should not let himself be controlled, but that does not mean he must stay in the background. This is a discussion for the entirety of your team to have, Leonardo." Leo sighed, closing his eyes.

"Hai, Sensei," he said softly, bowing. "Should we go now?"

"The sooner the better." Splinter nodded decisively, "come my children. Let us join the others, we have many things to discuss." Leo nodded and followed him out. Raph, April, and Mikey were all sitting in the pit. When they saw the others coming out, Raph stood, eyes hard.

"Well? Do you know what we're doing?" he asked immediately.

"We will speak in a moment." Splinter said as they all sat down, Raph pointedly not looking over at Karai. Leo cleared his throat, and Splinter nodded.

"We know where the antidote is, but the problem is the footbots." he said, "so Donatello thought we could split into two teams. A diversion, and under the radar. The diversion will strike first, drawing Shredder and the foot ninja out of the base. Then, under the radar, we'll slip in and get the antidote."

"Great!" April said, grinning. "Who's on each group?"

"That's what we're trying to decide," Leo said, frowning. "I want Mikey and Sensei as the diversion, for sure."

"Why us specifically?" Splinter wondered, stroking his beard. Leo glanced around at them, taking a few deep breaths.

"Well, Shredder wants you, Sensei. So you being there will definitely draw him out. And Mikey is less good at being under the radar, so he'll go with you. I want Donnie with me when we go get the antidote. That leaves Karai, Raph and April."

"Karai should go with you," Raph said, glaring at the floor. "She knows where the crap is." Leo frowned, then nodded.

"Okay, Karai will come with me and Donnie." he said, "and Raph and April will stay-"

"No way," Raph said, standing up. "I am not just sitting on my shell, Leo!"

"Raph." Leo sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Until we get the antidote it'll be risky having you where Shredder could get to you, you know that."

"I'm not staying!" Raph snapped, "I mean it, Leo! You can't make me!"

"Yes, I can," Leo said, narrowing his eyes. April stared at him, obviously hurt. "You know that. Sit. down." Raph tensed, then rigidly sat, burying his face in his hands.

"Leonardo!" Leo gasped, body tensing up as Splinter jabbed a pressure point. "That is enough! If you continue like this, you will no longer be the leader of this team!" he pulled his hand away and Leo stumbled, rubbing his neck. "Understood?"

"Yes, sensei." Leo gasped, eyes watering as he rubbed the spot harder.

"Raphael and April will join Michelangelo and me." Splinter said firmly, folding his hands over his cane. "Shredder wants you as well, Raphael. He knows he will have an advantage, and that will only persuade him more fully to leave the antidote unattended."

"Hai," Raph said softly, not looking up.

"Raph…" Leo looked at the floor. What had he been doing? He knew it hurt Raph, both emotionally and physically, to have to do everything he was told. Why had he been so cruel? "Raph I'm sorry."

"It…" Raph sighed, rubbing his face. "It's fine Leo. Just forget it." Leo stared at him, then hung his head. Forget it? How could he forget that? He'd been deliberately cruel to his brother, that wasn't okay. It wasn't something Leo would usually do. So why had he?

"I suggest you all go and get some rest." Splinter said, turning to the dojo. "Karai, I wish to speak to you. The rest of you, you would do well to relax, maybe sleep." they all nodded, and Karai followed him past the rice paper doors, which moments later slid shut.

"I need to go work on something," Donnie said almost immediately, getting up and turning toward his lab. "Sensei's right, worrying about the mission won't do any good." Leo watched him go, then sighed and sat on the bench that went around the pit.

"I really am sorry, Raph-"

"Save it," Raph grumbled, still with his face in his hands. "Okay? I get it. You just can't help yourself."

"Raph, that's not-"

"Save. it." Raph snapped, Leo sighed, looking at the floor, April looked between them anxiously.

"I…" Mikey glanced between them all. "I am going to get something to eat." he quickly left as well, leaving the awkward silence between Raph Leo and April.

"Raph…" April said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Leo didn't mean it."

"Doesn't matter." Raph muttered, "he did it. It's done. Can you guys please just let it go? And leave me alone for a bit?" Leo sighed, standing up.

"Alright, Raph," he said softly. "I really am sorry, and-"

"Just go," Raph said softly, face in his hands. Leo could tell he was close to tears, but that old stubbornness had begun to return, and so Leo turned and walked toward his bedroom, head hung low, wondering why he'd done what he did.

* * *

"Raph, we're going to get the antidote," April said. Raph sighed, nodding.

"I know, April. I just… it hurt." he mumbled.

"I know it did," April said softly, leaning on his shoulder. "But it hurt Leo too, you know." Raph snorted, shaking his head. April reached up and pulled his hands away from his face. Raph sighed, wiping tears from his eyes. Of course, she'd have to see him like this, why the heck not?

"I have never been good at listening to him." Raph muttered, "why wouldn't he take advantage when I have to? I'd do the same thing if I were him…"

"Raph…" April sighed, tracing her fingers across his open palm. "We'll fix this. I promise. We'll get the antidote and we'll take Shredder down."

"I know," Raph said, forcing a smile. "It's just…." he shook his head, looking away. "So stupid. I still have nightmares…." he shuddered a bit, wrapping his hand around her fingers.

"It'll be over soon Raph," April said softly. Raph nodded.

"Hey April…" he muttered softly, not looking at her. He was embarrassed.

"Yeah?" Raph sighed.

"Can you give me permission to stand up?" he murmured. April took a quick breath in, then nodded.

"Yeah," she said, rubbing her thumb over his fingers. "You can stand up Raph." Raph felt his muscles relax slightly and smiled, looking over at her.

"Thanks." April just looked at him strangely for a moment. "What?" Raph grinned, leaning back against the edge of the pit.

"Well didn't you want to stand up?" April asked, raising a brow. Raph shook his head.

"Wanting to be able to do something…" he said slowly, "it's not the same as wanting to do it," April smirked.

"Oh, right. Of course." she laughed, then paused, looking closely at Raph. he was looking around the lair as if he wanted to memorize every detail of the place. His green eyes were more thoughtful than she'd ever seen them, April smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder and fingering a red mask tail. Raph looked at her in surprise.

"You tired or something?" he wondered, April laughed.

"Yes, I'm trying to sleep.," she said softly, Raph smiled, leaning his head back to look at the ceiling.

"Alright alright, I'll shut up." he laughed, "sleep tight."

* * *

 _ **Man, I forgot how bad Leo is at not giving orders. Lol, he's stressed, I'm stressed, everything's just stress. Next chapter is a mess. I could keep rhyming but I could also care less. Hehehehe. Anyways… don't have much to say. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	16. Attacked

_**Hey, everyone, I feel like complete crap. Also, I'm touch starved. Also, I think my friends were avoiding me at school even though my rational brain says they were at book club. So yeah, short AN today and an explanation why the ANs are salty and depressing. Haha.**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: you have a guess, hm? You're probably gonna go nuts when you read this chapter, then. And I'll just let ya know that not everything is as it seems, and tragedy isn't always death. ;) Also, I think I may add a bonus chapter on to this in a couple weeks with an Alternate Ending. But that's for after I actually finish posting the full fic.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: you guys know the drill and I feel like crap so there**_

 _ **Let's go see their world fall apart just like mine.**_

* * *

"You guys all know what you're doing?" Leo asked. Raph rolled his eyes.

"Yes, we're being a distraction." he said, "we know already." Leo scowled.

"I mean it guys, don't get killed," he said, folding his arms.

"That an order?" Raph grumbled, Leo looked at him, obviously unamused. "Alright alright, let's just go already!" he wanted to get this mission done so that he could be himself again. Things had been getting better, but he needed that antidote.

"Come on yo!" Mikey laughed as they started through the tunnels. "Shredder won't know what hit him!"

"Sure he will," Raph said with a smirk. "I want the guy to know who slit his-"

"Raphael." Splinter said sternly, Raph shrugged, turning to grin at April who ran beside him. "Remember my sons. We are not here to finish this fight, we are here to provide your brothers with the cover they need to get the antidote."

"Right." Raph nodded, smile melting off his face. They ran in silence for a bit, approaching the Shredder's lair.

"So how do we do this?" April wondered as they started toward the surface. "We can't attack inside the lair, because that's where we don't want him to be."

"That is a point." Raph agreed, glancing at Splinter, who was looking at them all thoughtfully.

"When we arrive…" he said slowly. "We will be sure to be spotted by his ninja. They will undoubtedly alert Shredder to us being here. The prize of both Raphael and me will draw him out." Raph scowled.

"I ain't no prize," he growled, gripping the ladder rungs tighter as they started up a fire escape. Splinter sighed softly but didn't say anything. They halted on the edge of a building, staring across the street to the old church Shredder had taken as his lair.

"I got this yo!" Mikey declared, pulling out a kusarigama chain.

"Michel-" but Mikey didn't wait for Splinter to shut down his plan, he launched himself into the air, the end of his chain fixed around part of the church as he swung down Tarzan style, making faces at the foot ninja. "Oh, my reckless son."

"Think they saw me?" Mikey asked, arriving back on the rooftop, a breathless grin on his face.

"Nah," Raph said, watching as ninja streamed out of the building toward them. "They hear the ice cream truck."

"Ice cream!?" Mikey gasped, face lighting up. Raph sighed, shaking his head as he pulled out his sai.

"No genius, they saw you!" he said, rolling his eyes. "Get ready… oh, shell." in the midst of the ninja, he could see Tigerclaw and Shredder, their eyes trained right on the group poised above.

"Hey come to get us Shred head!" Mikey yelled, sticking out his tongue. Raph glared at him, punching him in the arm. Mikey giggled, then pulled out his nunchucks, falling serious as the first wave of ninja arrived on the rooftop.

"Stay close together." Splinter said, throwing two away, already unconscious. "If we are separated we are vulnerable."

"Got it." Raph nodded as they got into a circle, back to back. "You good April?"

"Yep," April grunted, punching a ninja in the jaw, they stumbled back and tripped a few of their comrades. Raph frowned. How many of these ninja had no choice but to fight for Shredder? Be it because of brain serums or something else.

"Dudes, how many of you are there?" Mikey complained, kicking one off of himself.

"A lot," Raph said, grinning as he moved through opponents quickly. "How you doing Sensei?" no answer and the foot ninja all stopped attacking. Raph spun around, eyes wide. "Sen- SENSEI!" Shredder was holding Splinter tightly by the throat, Splinter narrowed his eyes angrily at the man in metal.

"Put him down!" Mikey howled, running forward.

"Mikey no!" Raph gasped, but Mikey yelped in pain when Tigerclaw jumped on him, pinning him to the rooftop with his claws.

"Owww! Dude!"

"Oh no." April gasped, eyes wide. Raph looked at her worriedly. "They were expecting us." Raph's eyes widened and he spun, staring down at the seemingly deserted church.

"Leo."

* * *

"They were expecting us!" Donnie yelled, smacking a few ninjas away with his staff. "Karai, where's the antidote?"

"It's in the lab," Karai said, working her way through another group of ninja. "Down this hall!"

"Let's go!" Leo said, "if they follow us, fine! But we need to get the antidote and get the shell out!" Donnie nodded, forcing past the wall of ninja and sprinting toward the lab, he heard Leo and Karai close behind. At least he hoped it was them. Donnie ran a bit faster, sprinting into the large lab. His eyes widened.

"Oh wow."

"Over here!" Karai said, running to a large storage unit, forcing the door open. "It's…" Donnie ran over as she looked at all the shelves. "It's a pinkish liquid, Donnie, do you see it?"

"Um….." Donnie frowned nervously, shaking his head. Then Karai groaned, holding up a paper.

"Of course," Donnie growled. "Of course he's keeping it with him! Leo, we have to get out of here now! The antidote isn't here!"

"Oh great," Leo growled as they fought their way toward the exit. "So where is it?"

"Baxter Stockman is staying with Shredder." Karai said, "who is most likely out there fighting your family right now!"

"And they brought whatever it was they used to make the hallucinations," Donnie growled, crumpling the paper in his fists. "We need to get to Raph. now."

"Kinda hard, Donnie." Leo grimaced, hacking through his opponents. "I'm sure they can take care of themselves for ten minutes."

"Because we obviously can," Donnie muttered, wincing slightly.

"Ninja, back off!" Karai growled. They didn't. Donnie glanced around, making mental tallies of his brother and Karai. Then his eyes widened.

"Leo look out!" Leo glanced at him, then spun. Too late.

"AUGH!" Leo yelled, grabbing the blade that had stabbed into his shoulder. Donnie's eyes widened and he fought his way over, nearly dropping his bo in fear.

"Leo, Leo hold on!" he said shrilly, staring in horror at the wound. "Ah man, Leo they got you good."

"I noticed," Leo growled, ripping the blade out. Donnie gasped.

"Leo-"

"Just wrap me up." Leo snapped, "we need to get to the others!"

"Hurry up Donnie!" Karai said, fending off ninja that were approaching the downed turtle. "I can't hold them forever!"

"I'm trying I'm trying!" Donnie growled "just a little stressed over here!" he tied the bandage tightly around Leo's shoulder, still scowling. "Are you sure, Leo we should get you-"

"No." Leo snarled, pushing Donnie away and gripping his katana tightly with his good arm. "We're here for Raph. We can't fail." Donnie stared into his brother's eyes, then nodded, face grim.

"Alright. Let's go." the three fought their way through with new vigor, and soon reached the surface, when a scream erupted from the nearby rooftop.

"NO!" Leo yelled, eyes wide in fear. "We have to get up there!"

"Alright, come on." Donnie nodded, running toward the street, putting his bo in its holder. "We'll get there. We have to get there."

* * *

Shredder laughed cruelly above Raph's head, and the red-masked turtle shook with anger, not to mention he was trying to fight past the command of the man in metal.

"Stand up Raphael." Raph stood, fists clenched, and he glared murder at Shredder. Splinter, Mikey, and April were being held by foot ninja, with injuries keeping them from fighting back. "Choose one to kill."

"N-never." Raph snarled. Choose one. CHOOSE ONE! NO!

"You don't have a choice." Shredder spat, "choose one or they all die!" Raph looked at his family in fear, hands shaking. Everything was wrong, so so terribly wrong! "One will die tonight and it is up to you to decide." he grinned, "and kill them."

"I…" Raph clamped his eyes shut, shaking his head. No, no no no! Yes! Kill one! You have to! "I choose…" that's right. Just do what he says, that's the easy way. "I choose…" Raph opened his eyes again, feeling tears well up in them.

"Raphael…" Splinter said, voice raspy. Raph met his father's eyes, terrified. "No one… no one controls flame." no one controls flame. Raph stepped back, eyes narrowed.

"I won't do it." he declared.

"You have to!" Shredder roared, stepping forward and grabbing Raphael's plastron. Raph glared at him.

"I'd rather go through everything you've done a hundred more times." he snarled, "than betray my family." Shredder narrowed his eyes.

"Oh really." he hissed, Raph glared at him. "Very well then, Raphael." a needle appeared in Shredder's free hand and Raph's eyes widened in terror. "If you don't kill them, you will."

"Raph no…!" Mikey gasped, Raph's gaze flicked to him. He could see the pain written across Mikey's face, and it made him want to scream. "Just choose me."

"N-no!" Choose me. "NO!"

"Raph…!" Mikey begged. Raph shook his head, clamping them shut. No one controls the flame.

"I made my choice Shredder." he snarled, Shredder roared in fury, plunging the needle into Raph's neck. Almost immediately, Raphael's vision grew fuzzy. He screamed as a muzzle wrapped around his face, trying to shake it off.

"NO!" someone screamed, but Raph didn't know who. He collapsed to the ground, in the darkness. No, where was he? Where was he?!

"S-Sensei…?" Raph whimpered, reaching through the dark. The muzzle was gone, but so was everything else. "Wh-where am I…? Father! Father don't leave!" but they were already gone. They'd left him. "Sensei!" Raph cried, arms flailing as he searched through the darkness. He was blind, he was blind. "Master Splinter! Wh-where are you?" no one said anything, no one was there. Raphael felt tears well up in his eyes and he fell to his knees, chest heaving as he tried to keep himself composed. "D-Dad…! D-Dad… I want you… please!" he lost the battle and a sob ripped from Raphael's throat. "please!"

* * *

Leonardo screamed in fury, kicking Shredder away from his brother as he jumped onto the roof. But it was too late. He was too late. Raph's eyes were glazed over, and he obviously wasn't seeing reality.

"Leo!" Mikey cried, lifting his head. "Donnie, you guys made it!"

"Shredder took the antidote." Leo snarled, glaring at the man in metal as he regained his footing. "Karai, cut them loose. Donnie, try to wake Raph up." he pulled his other katana out, ignoring the pain in his burning shoulder.

"Foolish turtle." Shredder snarled, stalking forward. "You really think I would give you the antidote?" Leo narrowed his eyes, holding up his katana as he got into a stance.

"No. I don't." he growled, "That's why I have to take it." Shredder laughed, unsheathing the blades from his gauntlets.

"Why don't you try." he challenged, Leo screamed again, rushing forward and slashing downward with his katana. Shredder blocked the blow easily, and Leo stumbled back, breathing hard. "Give up." Shredder hissed, eyes narrowed. "It's too late. Raphael will never know reality again, and it was his choice." Leo narrowed his eyes.

"You _liar!"_ he yelled, fighting harder. Shredder laughed cruelly.

"And Hamato Yoshi is finally broken!" he added softly, Leo glared at him. "Raphael believes he is abandoned… and it is all your father's fault."

"Shut up!" Leo snarled, blades clashing furiously. "Give me the antidote!"

"Even now, Raphael is sinking further away from you." Shredder laughed. Leo growled in anger, slamming his knee into a lucky hit on Shredder's ribcage. The man groaned in pain, stumbling back. Leo took that second to look over at Raph, who was reaching out into the air as if trying to grasp something.

"D-d-don't leave me alone…" he was whispering beneath the battle noises. "P-please…" Shredder laughed evilly again and Leo whirled, blue eyes fiery with anger.

"You!" he hissed, attacking with a stronger force than he could ever remember. "You did this!" Shredder's eyes widened slightly in surprise as Michelangelo appeared beside Leo, joining the fight. "I'll end you!"

"You… you cannot defeat me!" Shredder yelled. "You will never defeat me! You pathetic reptiles!"

"Where's the antidote?" Leo demanded, kicking Shredder in the chest as he was distracted by Mikey. "I know you have it!"

"We want our brother back!" Mikey yelled, angrier than Leo had ever seen him. "Give him _back_!"

"Come back!" Raph screamed, Leo felt chills down his spine. "I'm sorry for whatever I did, I'm sorry!"

"Raph no, Raph wake up!" Donnie was begging. "Wake up! Please wake up!"

"Dad!" Raph screamed, "Dad don't leave!"

"Oh no." Mikey gasped, eyes wide as they fought Shredder, "Leo…"

"Can it wait?" Leo snapped, blocking a blow with his katana. "We're kind of in the middle of something!"

"I know that!" Mikey said, ducking as he swung a kusarigama chain around Shredder's leg. Shredder snarled, yanking backward and sending the handle flying. "Oh great."

"Give us the antidote!" Leo yelled as Mikey scrambled for his weapon. Shredder just laughed.

"I don't have it, you imbecile!" he taunted, Leo scowled.

"I know you do!"

"Leo listen!" Mikey said, rejoining the fight. "He already gave us the antidote!"

"What are you talking about?" Leo snapped, jabbing his katana at a small exposed patch of skin. Shredder snarled in pain, backing away.

"He injected Raph with that thing! That was the antidote! That's the whole point!"

"What?"

"Either Raph lives having to do whatever he's told," Mikey growled, glaring at Shredder. "Or he lives in his own corrupted head!" Shredder laughed, stalking forward again. Leo felt his heart plummet. Oh no. oh _no_.

"Donnie, get Raph and Sensei away from here!" he yelled, blocking the blades from slicing off his head. "We need to retreat!"

"One of you will die!" Shredder snarled, slashing the bandages off Leo's arm. Leo growled in pain, stumbling back.

"Leo!" Mikey gasped, eyes wide. Then he glared at Shredder. "Just back off dude! You got what you wanted! Okay? Just leave us alone!"

"Fool." Shredder snarled, "when you are dead and spread out on a table for all to see, then I will be done with you!"

"Mikey no…" Leo gasped, falling to one knee as his arm began to bleed profusely. "Mikey… get… away."

"Shell, Leo…" Mikey's baby blue eyes filled with tears. "Wh-what do I do? He-" Mikey yelped as Shredder slashed his blades across his side, sending the younger turtle crashing to the rooftop beside him. "Leo, what do we do?"

"I don't know…" Leo whispered, eyes filling with tears of his own. "Mikey I just don't know."

"Fight me." both turtles, and Shredder looked around to see Karai standing with a murderous look on her face, a tanto blade outstretched in her hand. "Shredder, fight me instead."

"Foolish girl!" Shredder snarled, "I am your father, abandon this rebellion!"

"You aren't my father." Karai hissed, eyes narrowed. "You never were." Shredder turned away from Mikey and Leo. Mikey whimpered, grasping his side as he picked himself up, then helped Leo. Karai and Shredder were locked in combat, then there was a flash of metal, and one of them fell to the rooftop. "Goodbye, Shredder." Karai snarled, dropping her blade before running to Leo's side, helping both him and Mikey stand.

"K-Karai…" Leo said, eyes wide. "Y-you…!"

"We need to hurry," Karia said, worried. "If we don't, we might never get your brother back."

* * *

 _ **Hahahaaaaa so yeah. Someone's dead alright…. And there be a lot of bad things. Injuries, sadness, and not to mention Raphael's state… forgot how violent this is. Geez, Louise. Anyway, yeah. Two more chapters left! But I'm writing a bonus chapter with an alternate ending, don't get your hopes up. :) Thanks for reading and please review,**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	17. Retrieved

_**H-hey… so I did that thing again. Where I got it all ready to post. And then didn't. I'm really really really really really sorry… and now I'm posting the second to last chapter! Woo woo! Oh man… OHHH MAn you are gonna hate me after this chapter. Oh yes indeedie!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, enjoy if you dare!**_

* * *

Two months. Two months, that's how long they'd been waiting, trying, working non stop. Leo sighed, rubbing his face wearily. Two months, and this was all they had to show for it. Two months, and Raphael still hadn't woken up. Not that he was sleeping. Donnie had tried to explain it, but that was a month or so ago, and Leo was tired.

"It's the serum." he'd explained, "it keeps him from seeing us, hearing us, maybe even feeling us. It's like solitary confinement within his own brain. We can hear him, but he doesn't know it."

Not that it helped to hear what Raph said, because he'd stopped speaking after two weeks. Leo groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, then looking over at the much too still form of his brother. His eyes were closed, now, and that only gave off a better impression of him being dead. But he was breathing steadily, though did hyperventilate at times. It was horrible to watch. But Leo couldn't help it, he had to be there in case Raphael ever awoke. No. Leo glared at the ground. Raph _would_ wake up, he had to.

"We miss you Raph." he said softly. "Been a while since you saw us. Maybe you could wake up. Tell me I'm a mother hen, always sitting around in here. Just like the good old days." and just like the past two months, Raphael didn't reply. Leo sighed, burying his head in his hands. "Shell Raph, we need you. I need you. April needs you." the redheaded teen had been injured in the fight, and badly. She hadn't been allowed to visit them since, but she called every day. Asking about Raph, and got the same answer. She stopped asking after a month and a half. Leo blinked, lifting his head. He'd thought, maybe, if just for a moment when he said Aprils name, that Raphael had moved. Shifted slightly, maybe just twitched.

"Raph?" no response. Leo sighed miserably, shaking his head. "Raph…"

"Leo." Leo turned, eyes widening in surprise and a bit of happiness to see April O'Neil standing behind him. He stood.

"April, you look better." he said, forcing a smile. She did, though she wore her bangs differently to hide a scar across her face. April looked past him now, blue eyes filling with tears when she looked at Raph. Leo turned as well, shoulders slouching. "No change." but there it was again, something seemed different. April walked over and knelt next to the cot. She gently reached forward and grasped Raphael's hand, and Leo heard her sniff back tears.

"Oh Raph…" She whispered, almost cried. "Oh Raph." then Leo saw it again, and knew he hadn't imagined it. April's eyes widened as well, as Raph peeled his dry lips apart, breathing deeply through his mouth. "Raph? Raph can you hear me?" Leo stepped closer, blue eyes wide in excitement. Raph's head moved slightly, twitching back and forth. Like he was trying to hear something soft. "Raphael…?"

"Guys…" Leo stepped back, heart thumping as Raphael moved his head again. "GUYS!" immediately, Donnie Mikey and Splinter were there, the latter leaning on Donnie's shoulder for support. He hadn't been the same since the fight.

"Raph.. Raph can you hear me?" April was asking, voice shaking in emotion. "Raph please." then, Raph drawing in a larger and shakier breath, Leo saw his brothers hands moving slightly, fingers running over hers.

"April…" he breathed out, and Leo felt tears spill over his eyes and down his face. It had been weeks since they heard Raphael's voice. And now they heard it again.

"Raph!" Mikey cried, falling to his knees next to the cot as well. "Raphie, Raph can you hear us?!"

"Mike…"

"He can hear us." Donnie whispered, a hand on his forehead as he leaned on the wall. "He can hear us, Leo he can hear us!" Raphael's eyes fluttered, then opened wearily, eyes scanning the room tiredly.

"See ya...too...you dorks…" he rasped out, trying to sit up. Leo hurried forward, putting a hand on Raphael's shell to help him steady himself.

"My son…" Splinter gasped staring with wide eyes. "My son…" Leo hugged Raph gently as Raphael's eyes filled with tears.

"I-I thought you left me…" Raph rasped out, burying his face in Leo's shoulder.

"No Raph." Leo whispered, breath shaky as tears spilled from his face. "We would never abandon you."

* * *

Raphael sat stiffly on the bench, a blanket draped around his shoulders and a mug of steaming tea in his hands. Everyone was there, but no one was speaking. How could they? Raph had just learned he'd been out for two months, two months of his life he'd never get back. Everyone had already cried, laughed through tears, and expressed how worried they were. And now it was silent, Raph lifted his gaze warily, scanning the room and pausing on each face.

"We missed you Raph," Mikey said softly from Raphael's right, where he was snuggled up close. Raph smiled tiredly.

"Well I missed you too, little guy," he said softly, then took a sip of tea. It felt good on his throat. "Knew you'd get me back though." this was met by a somewhat shocked silence and Raph frowned. "What?"

"Raph…" Leo cleared his throat and glanced around, not at Raph. "wh-what did you see?" Raph frowned, shaking his head.

"Nothing. It was the scariest thing in the world." he shuddered softly, pulling the cup closer to him like it was his only lifeline to the real world. "But after a while… I dunno." he frowned. "At some point, I knew it wasn't real. I knew you'd get me out. So I waited."

"Oh my gosh…" Donnie whispered, staring at the floor. "If only I'd… Raph I had no idea what to do." Raph shrugged blankly, then swallowed the rest of the scalding tea in one mouthful, grimacing at the sensation, but then grinned. Leo snorted.

"Of course the first thing you'd do is something idiotic." he muttered. Raph set the cup down now, running his hands over the blanket, then onto the bench.

"Well it's not everyday you wake up from a two month coma." he muttered, "man it's nice to see again."

"We were so worried." April said from where she was mirroring Mikey's pose, but on his left. Raph reached over and grabbed her hand, relishing the touch.

"About me? April you know me." he laughed softly, shaking his head. "You were absolutely right to worry. I really dunno if this is real or not…" he trailed off, closing his eyes. "But either way, it's better than the nothingness." no one replied to this, Raph knew that wasn't what they'd want to hear. But what was he supposed to think? That after that eternity, he'd just wake up safe at home? At least now there was something tangible.

"Oh Raph…" April whispered, leaning her head sadly on his shoulder. Raph was reminded bittersweetly of that last day before everything went wrong. The last day he knew was reality. At least this time, he wasn't afraid. He hadn't been forced to go through terrible experiences, in all honesty Shredder hadn't been doing his best on that one. Raph smirked at the thought, then frowned, lifting his head.

"What happened?"

"Um, what do you mean?" Leo asked, frowning. "We already told you."

"Not to me, shell brain." Raph grumbled, rolling his eyes. "To the fight. What happened?"

"Oh." Leo leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Well, a lot happened. The serum he injected you with was also the antidote, which is why you didn't wake up when we told you to."

"Well at least I got my beauty sleep." Raph said softly, eyes sparkling. Leo rolled his eyes.

"Mikey's the one who figured it out, while we were fighting the guy. Kinda pissed me off."

"The fact that Mikey figured it out or the fact that I got trapped in my own head for two months?" Raph wondered, frowning. Leo smirked.

"Both, actually-"

"Hey!" Mikey whined, "it's not my fault I'm a secret genius!"

"Of course not." Donnie said sarcastically. Raph looked back at Leo expectantly.

"Well once we figured it out, Mikey and me distracted Shredder so that Don April and Sensei could get you to safety." Leo continued, frowning thoughtfully. "We both went down-" Raph's eyes widened. "But not too bad, Raph, don't worry. Then Karai fought Shredder, and killed him." Raph blinked in surprise, then nodded.

"He's dead, then." Raph murmured softly, "gone."

"Yep." Leo nodded. "We got back home and patched ourselves up, and waited for you to wake up."

"Hmm." Raph nodded, staring at the floor absently. "So how bad were you guys?" he glanced sideways at April, whose hair was down covering half her face. A few moments passed before Leo spoke.

"It was…. Pretty bad," he finally said, rubbing the back of his neck. "But it's been getting better, Mikey's all healed up and my arms been getting better every day… we've all been doing pretty good."

"That's good," Raph said softly. "really good."

"What is important now, my family," Splinter spoke for the first time since they all sat down. "Is that we are all alive and well, that Shredder is gone." Raph hesitated for a moment, then looked up at all of them.

"What happened to Karai, after she killed Shredder?" he asked, swallowing thickly. No one spoke for a moment, then Leo sighed softly.

"She went back to Japan… she's trying to restart the foot clan into something _honorable_." Leo said the last part almost bitterly, and Raph nodded.

"Good for her." he said with yet another small smile. No one said something for a moment. Then,

"Really." Donnie turned to look at him, eyes searching. "After all that happened, everything she did to you, that's what you say?"

"Yep." Raph nodded, then looked up at his family. "I had a lot of time to think the past few months." he said, voice barely above a whisper. "And yeah, that's good for her." Splinter was watching him with an interested expression, so Raphael went on. "She knew what she was doing, when she helped them hurt me…" Raph scowled a bit, then cleared his throat. "But she was angry, she thought that Sensei killed her mother."

"Really?" Mikey asked incredulously. Raph nodded with a shrug.

"Yeah, and I guess that'd be a hard thing to know, that you were so close to finding someone like that… and then finding out you were the person like that all along." he took a deep breath, shifting uncomfortably. "And you can't tell me that all the foot ninja were working for him willingly, not anymore. So yeah, that's good. That's really good."

"You really did have time to think," Donnie mumbled softly, looking away. "Gosh Raph… I'm so sorry I couldn't… I didn't know what to do… I…"

"Donnie," Raph said softly, closing his eyes for a moment, welcoming the familiar darkness. "It's okay, it really really is. Like Sensei said… we're okay now." if only he could truly fully believe that, Raph thought to himself before opening his eyes and searching each family members face, just in case he never saw them again.

"Yeah." Mikey snuggled closer to him and Raph smiled, looking sideways at his little brother. "We won't ever let you get hurt again." Raph snorted.

"Mike… you can't promise that." he said softly. "We're ninja, and sometimes I guess we're gonna get hurt." a lopsided grin split across his face them. "Especially me."

"Don't say that." April said softly. Raph nodded, then grinned.

"Especially me." he said, just because he could. Leo snorted.

"Very funny." April sighed, but still smiled a bit. Splinter stood, face grim. Raph glanced at him warily.

"Raphael, it is well that you have woken and are able to disobey freely once more…" he paused and stroked his beard, Raph grinned. "But you must give your soul time to heal, as well as your mind and body. You are not to be getting hurt anytime soon, understand?"

"Yes Father." Raph said, smiling wider. "I understand."

"Good." Splinter said with a smile. "You will begin training again tomorrow, and I want you to focus much of your time on meditation as well as building up your physical state."

"Hai." Raph said, bowing slightly.

"Very good." Splinter said, smiling as he walked toward the dojo. "Until then, my children, do enjoy yourselves and the company of your brother. It has been a long time since you all laughed." Raph watched his father all the way until he passed through the rice paper doors, and then the lair fell silent. What were they supposed to say? There was literally nothing to talk about, nothing that wouldn't be forced like the rest of it. Donnie was scowling slightly, as if he were trying to figure something out. Raph raised his eye ridge, glancing at the purple masked terrapin.

"Whatcha thinking about Donnie?"

"The largest calculated number of thoughts is sixty thousand in one day." he said softly. "Roughly thirty days a month. That's over a million thoughts per month. Times it by two, over three million." Raph blinked, then rubbed his head.

"What?" he asked like an idiot.

"You were alone with nothing but thoughts for over three million thoughts." Donnie continued softly, fingers fumbling a bit. "Thoughts are closely interconnected but can also go off on tangents very easily, because everything is connected. You thought about Karai and the foot ninja and the foot clan as a whole. That could really be done in a few hours, maximum one day." Raph's shoulders fell, and he was wary now.

"And?" he asked.

"What else did you think about?"

"That's what you wanted to know," Mikey held up a hand, "and you decided to give us a science lesson instead?"

"...yeah." Donnie smiled sheepishly. "Basically." Raph smirked, shaking his head. They all looked at him expectantly, and Raph realized they wanted him to answer the question. He frowned now, looking at the floor.

"I dunno…" he shrugged. "Stuff, I guess. You guys, I thought about you guys a lot." real slick, Raph. Now they think you're a big softie, heh.

"Yeah other than that." Mikey joked, bumping him with his elbow. Raph made a face at him, then jabbed a finger into his stomach. "Hey!" Mikey giggled, falling sideways onto the bench.

"Yeah you're hilarious." Leo said, though he was smiling.

"I thought sensei told us to enjoy ourselves." Raph said, suddenly reaching back and grabbing the corners of his blanket, then he swooped it over his head and bundled it around Mikey's torso, pinning his arms to his sides.

"Hey!" Mikey giggled, rolling off the couch. "I'm a worm now!"

"You're a dork." Raph said fondly, watching Mikey roll across the floor toward Leo, who was watching impassively.

"No I'm a worm."

"Mikey I hate to tell you this…" Donnie said with a small grin. "But you're a turtle." Mikey made a face and rammed himself into Leo's legs. Leo yelped, shaking his head in surprise.

"Mikey! No fair!" he complained, lifting his legs up by his head. "I was distracted!"

"By what?" Raph snorted, leaning back with a grin. "My good looks?"

"Oh yeah totally." Leo rolled his eyes. "No Raph, I think April is distracted by that one." Raph blinked, feeling his face flush.

"Hey wait a second-" he protested, only to be interrupted when Mikey threw a pillow at his face. "Blerg- again, Mikey?" Mikey laughed, rolling away from them across the floor. Raph folded his arms, then glanced sideways at April who was grinning at their antics. "That was totally not fair."

"You know what else isn't fair?" Leo asked, grinning. Raph raised an eye ridge. "Four against one pillow fight." Raph grinned and Mikey shrieked as Leo pelted a pillow at him. The youngest turtle tried to get up, but was tangled in the blanket.

"Leo!" he whined, trying to untangle himself. "No fair!"

"That's kinda the point." Raph grinned, reaching down to grab a beanbag chair. "Get ready little brother."

* * *

 _ **Hate me yet? I know there was fluff, I could have drug this on and on and on and on and on. But I didn't. Heh. Anyways… I have a few things to say in this AN. One is that there will most definitely be an alternate ending chapter coming out after the last one next time, and you can imagine what that will be ;). The second is that I'm already thinking about what story to post next, and I've narrowed it down to two.**_

 _ **The first is another Human AU (not at ALL related to 'Shall My Brother Be' in any way shape or form) and it's has nineteen chapters PLUS a prologue and epilogue. And it's Raph-Centric.**_

 _ **The second is a Turtle universe that focuses on all the brothers, and it's full of torture and angst and very sad stuff. It has thirty chapters without a prologue OR epilogue.**_

 _ **I'm torn between which one to start posting next, and so I'm leaving it up to you guys. I might make a temporary story with this same explanation and some teasers for the two and have a vote there, but only if you guys reading this don't vote.**_

 _ **Whew! That was a lot, and I'm sorry once again for missing on Friday. I was so sure I posted. :/**_

 _ **Thanks for reading and please Review with your vote on my next story!**_

 _ **Until Next time (I pROMISE),**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	18. Healed

_**HAHA, I told you I'd remember and here I am posting hahAHAHAHA! Anyways. Yeah, it's Friday and I feel really sick. Also, my depression has been visiting, good times. I'm okay right now though, so don' worry about me.**_

 _ **This is the last 'chapter' for Detached, even though there WILL be a bonus chapter with an alternate ending. I think you can all imagine what that ending will be. Mwahahaha. Anyways. Yeah.**_

 _ **To Shaymandy: Who isn't a sucker for torture and angst? Lol. I'm looking into making that poll as soon as I finish posting, so if Y'all are reading this please vote?! Idk I'm kinda torn! I'm super glad you're excited, Shaymandy! I hope I don't disappoint!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

 _Raphael paused, hearing footsteps echoing behind him. He turned, eyes wide when he saw the silhouette of the one person he did not want to see ever again._

" _No…" he whispered, eyes wide. "You…. you're dead!" a dark chuckle was the only reply, and Raphael sprinted away through the darkness, heart thumping in his ears. "Leave me alone!" Raphael scrambled around a corner, only to see them standing before him. He'd run in a circle. Another dark chuckle met is ears, and a shining silver gauntlet raised above his head. Raph's eyes widened in terror as bright emerald eyes glared out at him from beneath the mask._

" _No… NO!" Raph screamed, scrambling away. "St-stop it!" the gauntlet flashed, driving down toward him and Raph gasped, one arm raised in front of his face to protect it._

Instead of dissolving into darkness and nothingness, however, like all the other times, Raphael woke in a cold sweat and jerked upright, eyes wide. The door to his room flew open and he looked up wildly, meeting Leo's worried cobalt gaze.

"...Leo…?" Raph panted, staring around the room. Of course, he was back. He was finally awake, he knew that.

"What happened?" Leo sat on the edge of his bed, reaching gingerly to touch Raph's shoulder.

"I… uh… I didn't mean to wake you up." Raph said, looking away. "I was just… dreaming." a dream, it was a dream. He knew that for a fact, and he was glad.

"Oh," Leo said, face falling. "Right." Raph took a deep breath and buried his face in his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do I ever?" Raph mumbled, shaking his head. "It's just… I'm fine Leo. It's just a stupid… I'm fine." Leo didn't say anything for a moment, then turned to face Raph more fully, eye ridge raised. "I told you, I-"

"You never did tell us what all that you thought about," Leo said softly, Raph's eyes widened and he glared at the wall, refusing to look at his brother. "You know it won't change anything right?" Raph groaned, burying his face in his arms.

"Leo, I just… It's just taking some used to being awake and all, that's it," he muttered, Leo didn't look convinced. "And I don't _want_ to remember everything."

"Yeah, well…" Leo folded his arms. "Having nightmares every night of your life isn't going to help either." Raph sighed, closing his eyes.

"...not every-"

"Yeah, Raph, every night since you woke up I've heard you talking in your sleep." Leo interrupted. "It scares me, Raphael." Raph groaned.

"Well it's not like this is just something I could forget, Leo!" he growled. Leo didn't say anything for a minute, then he sighed and nodded.

"I know. Maybe you don't need to forget it."

"Do not turn this into some kind of lesson please." Raph sighed softly. "I'm really not in the mood."

"I wasn't going to," Leo said unhappily. "I was just trying to help."

"Yeah, well…" Raphael shrugged helplessly. "You can't really make the dreams go away."

"I can't." Leo agreed softly, hanging his head. "I'm so sorry Raph…" Raph sighed heavily, then propped his chin on his knees to look at Leo. his eyes were still bleary and he wasn't wearing his mask, and that made reality just so much more real. Raph was sure it was real, now. The dreams were always kind of strange, smoother surfaces and perfect figures. But this? This was one hundred percent real.

"It's alright," he said with a thin smile. "They're just dreams." Leo smiled, and Raphael could see relief reflected in his brothers' eyes.

"Well, there's that." he agreed, leaning back on his hands. "The meditation has been helping, then?"

"Not one 'I told you so' or I'll shove a sai down your throat." Raph grumped, flopping backward onto his bed. Leo chuckled.

"Alright, I promise," he said, getting to his feet. "Well, just try and get more sleep okay?" Raph watched as he walked to the door, and waited until he was closing it to reply.

"You could….stay." he didn't expect Leo to hear the whisper, or respond to it, but he did. A few moments later Leo appeared in the doorway again, a pillow under his arm.

"Alright," he said, dropping it on the other side of the bed. "But you have to sleep." Raph smiled, propping his hands behind his head. Leo was right, not to mention he was tired.

"Thanks, Leo," he mumbled softly, rolling onto one side and closing his eyes. He dimly heard Leo's soft chuckle.

"It was nothing."

* * *

Raphael's eyes cracked open blearily, making out the shape of Leo asleep at the foot of his bed. Raph blinked, then reached up and rubbed his eyes before looking at the clock. His eyes widened in surprise. It was morning. Not only that, but he felt _rested_. The green-eyed turtle sat up, rubbing his eyes again. Yeah, he was definitely awake. He wracked his brain thoughtfully, then grinned when he realized that after the one, he hadn't dreamt again.

"Get up ya bonebag," Raph said, kicking Leo off the bed. Leo yelped and tumbled to the floor, then sat up with narrowed eyes.

"What the heck was that for?"

"Fun," Raph said with a grin. Leo rolled his eyes and stood up, then pulled Raph off the bed as well. Raph stumbled, then turned back to his brother with a wide grin. Leo raised his eye ridge.

"Why are you so happy?" he asked suspiciously. Raph shrugged, folding his arms.

"No reason." he replied, "just don't have a reason not to be I guess." Leo blinked, then smiled and fist-bumped his brother. "Now let's get something to eat, I'm starving."

"Of course, your majesty." Leo rolled his eyes as they walked out toward the kitchen. "Y'know, just because you had a bad dream doesn't mean I have to do stuff for you."

"Well, you will anyway." Raph pointed out with a grin. Leo gave him the stink eye, then laughed and shook his head. "It'll probably get annoying soon enough," Leo smirked, shaking his head, then bolted to the kitchen. "Hey!"

"Yeah well, you snooze you lose!" Leo called with a grin, backflipping through the doorway. Raph rolled his eyes, grinning as he ran after his brother.

"Slow and steady wins the race!" he hollered at the top of his lungs, tackling Leo to the ground. Leo shrieked, then laughed as he tried to shove Raph away.

"Dude I just want toast! Is that so bad?" Raph raised an eye ridge and Leo made a face at him. "That was a year ago!" Raph frowned, trying to remember.

"It was, wasn't it," he said then, getting off of Leo's chest and helping him up. "Well, you know the saying, time flies by when you're in a coma."

"That's not funny," Leo said, scowling. Raph grinned. "Okay, really, what's so great about today?"

"Nothing." Raph shrugged nonchalantly, grabbing a loaf of bread from the counter. "It's just a good day, that's all." Leo folded his arms, eye ridge raised. "What?"

"Raph, come on," he said as Raph put bread in the appliance. Raph ignored him cheerfully.

"Dudes…." Mikey groaned, walking in tiredly. "You woke me up with all your screaming, if I didn't know any better I'd think that there was a bug in here." Raph scowled, then rolled his eyes.

"Luckily," he turned with a grin. "There are none. Be at peace."

"What the heck." Mikey stared at him like he was from another planet. "You're talking like Splinter again."

"Yeah, I'm trying to get him to tell me why he's so happy," Leo said, starting a pot of water for tea. "But he's being all weird about it."

"Yeah and he's right here." Raph snorted, elbowing his brother lightly. "And I guess I'm just well-rested, okay?" this was, more or less, the truth. There were a few minutes of silence, while Raph buttered toast.

"That's great, Raph." Leo finally said. "Really great."

"Yeah well…" Raph shrugged, frowning down at the butter knife he was holding. "I just hope it lasts."

"I'm a bit lost here…" Mikey said, eyes darting from brother to brother. "But I think something good happened." Raph snickered.

"Go back to sleep, Mike," he said, flicking butter at Mikey. It hit his face and Mikey just blinked tiredly, then grinned.

"Well someone in the room needs to be sleep deprived, otherwise it's less fun," he said, jumping onto the table and grabbing an apple. "Food fight!"

"Uh oh." Raph's eyes widened and he ducked, then rolled toward the fridge and yanked the door open with a grin. "You're gonna pay for that, Mikey."

"Guys…" Leo sighed in defeat and sat at the table, toast in hand.

"Hey who said that was for you?" Raph asked indignantly, then was blindsided by a piece of bread. "Hey!"

"Gotta stay on your toesies!" Mikey sang, sitting cross-legged on the counter. Raph grinned.

"Oh yeah?" he grabbed a leftover pizza and flipped open the box, "well so do-"

"Good morning, my sons." they both froze in what they were doing, and Leo nearly choked on his tea. "I am glad you are all getting along so well." Raph lowered the pizza box, smiling sheepishly. "I would prefer that you eat something a bit more nutritious, Raphael."

"Right," Raph said, slapping the box shut and stuffing it in the fridge. "Like toast, that I'd make myself," he said, staring at Leo, who stared back innocently.

"Tensions are rising," Mikey said in a stage whisper, grinning wildly. "Who will be the first to-"

"Shaddup," Raph said as he walked back to the toaster, snatching the loaf away from Mikey.

"Ah man! My ammo!" he complained. Raph threw a piece at his bread, then stuck two more in the toaster.

"I take it Donatello is still asleep?" Splinter asked as he poured himself tea.

"Probably." the three others replied in unison. Mikey giggled.

"Dude that was creepy!" he squealed, Raph smirked evilly.

"Y'know what's even creepier?" he asked in a stage whisper, Mikey glanced at him and he narrowed his eyes. " _Nothing at all…_ " Mikey blinked in surprise as Raph turned back to the toaster, then winced as he realized what he'd just said. "Um… nothing is creepier than that…" he said, clearing his throat. No one said anything for a moment, and Raph didn't turn away from the counter.

"Raph slept well last night." Leo finally said, a little louder than necessary.

"Yep!" Mikey agreed immediately, bobbing his head up and down.

"That is good, my son." Splinter said softly, Raph stared at his toast, which was blackened and burned, but he didn't care. He knew his family had been worried to hear him say that, to use what had happened as a joke again. What else was he supposed to do? He didn't want to just… hate everything.

"I think it's broken again," Raph said as his toast practically crumbled in his fingers. "Leo, what did you do?"

"Haha." Leo snorted. "Mikey turned the heat to the maximum while you were getting pizza, it wasn't me." Raph glanced at Mikey, who smiled back sheepishly.

"Hehe… whoops."

"...why?" Raph shook his head as he asked this, then handed Mikey the remains of the bread. "I think that's yours."

"Aww, thanks Raphie!" Mikey beamed, then took a bite and winced. "...I deserve this."

"Just throw it away, genius." Raph sighed, facepalming.

"You rang?" Donnie slouched into the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffee maker. Raph snorted. Donnie ran a hand down his face, mumbling something to himself about mutagen and cheese… or maybe it was something else, Raph couldn't be sure.

"After you eat, my sons," Splinter said and they all turned to look at him. "I would like to reconvene regular morning training."

"Awww!" Mikey slouched, but Raph grinned to himself.

"Michelangelo, if you do not train as a team how will I decide whether or not you are allowed topside once more?" Splinter raised a brow, and their jaws dropped. Mikey mouthed wordlessly, then his face lit up.

"Topside! YAY!"

"Really?" Leo asked, though he was smiling just as wide. "You mean it?"

"I will decide," Splinter stood and stroked his beard, eyes sparkling. "After morning training." Raph snorted, though he was grinning. "Half an hour, my sons, and I expect you to be in your places."

* * *

"You are to stay close." Splinter said, standing in front of his sons worriedly. They all nodded with a chorused, 'Hai Sensei!' "and you are not to stay out very late." they repeated it, and Raph could barely keep a hold of his excitement. Splinter smiled in amusement. "And, most importantly, my sons," Raph looked at him curiously. "Stay safe and enjoy yourselves."

"Yes!" Mikey cheered, running to the turnstiles. "The last one to the docks is a double mutant!" Raph was right behind his brother, feet practically itching to run across the rooftop.

"Mikey he said to stay together!" Leo protested.

"He said to stay close." Donnie corrected matter of factly. "So in theory-"

"We get it, brainiac," Raph said with a grin. "Let's just go!" the two turtles behind him fell silent, and Raph glanced back to see grins on their faces. Man, he'd missed this. They all had, the red-masked turtle felt a twinge of guilt before pushing it away with a shake of his head, scrambling up a manhole after Mikey. The sun had set an hour before, but Raph could see the barest of pink on the clouds above, and he grinned wider.

"I'm gonna get there fi-irst!" Mikey sang and stuck out his tongue, then backflipped up onto the fire escape.

"Mikey, be careful!" Leo chided as they followed, much more carefully. Raph breathed the new york air in deeply, relishing the sensation of cold air on his skin. Oh yeah, it had been a long long time since he felt like this.

"Betcha you can't!" Raph laughed as he caught up with Mikey, legs pumping. Mikey grinned.

"Bring it." he taunted, speeding away. Raph laughed, he'd forgotten how flipping fast Mikey had always been.

"Guys, we're supposed to-" Leo sighed and shook his head. Donnie grinned at him.

"Let him run, Leo." he said happily. "Remember, Raph loved the night more than any of us, and he was the one who went without it the longest." Leo nodded at the truthfulness, and they hurried after their brothers.

Raph knew Mikey wasn't running as fast as he could, mostly because he was making jokes and snide comments every thirty seconds, but he didn't mind. All he wanted to do right now was run.

 _ **The End**_

* * *

 _ **Yeah, I know, I know, I suck at endings. I'm sorrrryyyy! But yeah. If any of you do review this last chapter, I'll try to answer it in the alternate ending chapter in a few weeks (once I stop procrastinating writing it lol) anyway. Look for a poll for my next story if I can figure out how to do that, if not I'll just post a new 'story' with the poll until I start posting again. Lol. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until next time,**_

 _ **-Jelly**_


	19. Alternate Ending!

_**Okay okay okay. I hope I didn't get anyone's hopes up with the alternate ending because it's really short and is kinda in the mood of Halloween, even though it's still technically September I don't care fight me. Heh. anyways, yeah.**_

 _ **To Jordan: I can't usually tell when a guest reviewer reviews twice, so thanks for clarifying. For starters, I'm so glad you enjoyed this fanfiction? My brain wasn't so confident about the plot and quality but your review helped me feel a little better about it. So thank you. As for my next fanfiction, I was originally torn between two but recently realized that one of the two - the one in the Turtle Verse - needs some serious overhauling because of some plot poles I left there. So my next one will be a Human AU called "Bad Marks". I'm thinking I'll post the first chapter next week, and if not It will most definitely be the week after. Until then I hope you read some of my one-shots and other fics, but don't feel pressured. Any support is greatly appreciated, and thank you so much for reviewing! Sorry about the Novel, LOL.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and this isn't… 'canon' to my fic. Just what might have happened if I was a tad crueler…**_

 _ **Enjoy!**_

* * *

"Guys…" Donnie stumbled into the room and Leo stood, fear striking his heart. "It's Raph."

"What do you mean?" Leo demanded, walking toward the lab. Donnie was crying, this was bad. Very bad. "What do you mean it's Raph!?"

"H-he…" Donnie clamped a hand over his mouth and leaned against the wall, shaking his head. Leo felt his stomach drop.

"No." he shoved past Donnie to the lab. "NO!"

"Le-Leo please!" Donnie sobbed, grabbing his arm. "Wait… wait for Mikey…" Leo's face fell into one of horror. Mikey had _not_ been doing well the past five months. Raph was some kind of soulmate to him, and him being in a coma had hurt Mikey. A lot. And now…

"Mikey!" Leo yelled, running toward the bedrooms. Donnie slid down the wall and buried his face in his arms. Leo grabbed Mikey's door handle, but it was locked. "Mikey, please open the door!" no answer. Leo sighed, then rammed his shoulder into the door and heard it splinter open. It made his shoulder throb, not quite healed from that fight, but he got in.

Michelangelo was huddled in the corner of his bed, staring blankly out at the room. The sight of his dull eyes made shivers go down Leo's shell.

"Mikey?"

"He's gone," Mikey said, voice flat and expressionless. Leo felt his stomach twist into knots.

"Mik-"

"Gone." Mikey echoed himself, closing his eyes.

"Mikey, it's going to be okay," Leo said, sitting next to him on the bed. "R-Raph… maybe it was just his time. Y'know?" Mikey didn't answer. "Mikey?" Leo reached out and touched Mikey's arm, he didn't react in any way. "M-Mike!" he lifted Mikey's chin and Mikey opened his eyes but seemed to stare right through him. Leo felt terror rip through him.

"DONNIE!"

 **...**

Two of four were laid to rest beside their father.

* * *

 _ **Geez, I'm evil, aren't I? Sorry not sorry lol. As I said, this is just a little 'what if' scenario. If it actually happened I'd have written at least several REAL long chapters for it, but I wanted to get this out to you and I thought a short, simple, depressing thing like this would do the trick. Lol, sorry not sorry again! Be on the Lookout for 'Bad Marks' in the next two weeks, a Human Au that's Raph-centric because I can. If you review this ending chapter, I'll try to reply privately and if you are a guest reviewer I can't, but just know that I read and loved your review!**_

 _ **Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time!**_

 _ **-Jelly 3**_


End file.
